 The Clarinet BBoard
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Author: wjk
Date: 2003-04-04 16:48
The day is gloomy
The sky is gray
I need some laughs
to come my way
Can some of my favorite bulletin board blokes
Brighten my day
and share a few jokes?
(best clarinet/musician jokes please!)
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Author: Ralph G
Date: 2003-04-04 17:15
There was a similar thread sometime back, but here's another one:
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The viola player was down on his luck and desperate. So he decides to kidnap a kid for ransom money. So he stakes out this house and one night goes in and kidnaps the owner’s kid. Everything goes well until he gets the kid back to his hideout, when he realizes he didn’t leave a ransom note. What to do? He hits on an ingenious idea: he’ll send the kid back to his dad with the ransom note.
Off to home he send the kid with the ransom note. And, sure enough, a few hours later the kid comes back with a bagful of money, with a note attached from the father that read, “Here’s your filthy money. And I gotta tell you, this is a rotten thing for one violist to do to another.”
(This was originally an Aggie joke -- Gig’em!))
________________
Artistic talent is a gift from God and whoever discovers it in himself has a certain obligation: to know that he cannot waste this talent, but must develop it.
- Pope John Paul II
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Author: Todd W.
Date: 2003-04-04 17:18
Standard clarinet lightbulb joke:
Q: How many clarinet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but s/he will go through the entire box looking for just the right bulb.
ACTUAL clarinet lightbulb joke (as evidenced by postings on this BB):
Q: How many clarinet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Any number. One to change the bulb and the rest to talk about why they don't like [fill in the name]'s sound.
Todd W. ;+))
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Author: GBK
Date: 2003-04-04 17:42
With sincere apologies to Sir Alec Issigonis:
The alto clarinet is a woodwind instrument designed by a committee....GBK
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Author: Todd W.
Date: 2003-04-04 18:12
Of course, some people might say that about the Mini or Morris Minor.
Todd W.
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Author: Pam H.
Date: 2003-04-04 21:51
I heard Ralph's joke just the other day as a "blonde" joke. I'm glad I'm a brunette!
By the way, I like Ralph's signature line...![[grin]](http://test.woodwind.org/clarinet/BBoard/smileys/smilie5.gif)
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Author: wjk
Date: 2003-04-04 22:43
How can you tell which side of a stage is slanted?
Look at which side of the guitarist's mouth the drool is coming out of.
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Author: sfalexi
Date: 2003-04-04 22:57
Q: How many principle clarinetists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but he just sticks it in the socket and waits for the world to revolve around him.
(It was actually supposed to be about a soprano singer, but I figured why not change it to whatever I want?)
US Army Japan Band
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Author: Ed
Date: 2003-04-04 23:49
-How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but he has to go through an entire box of bulbs to find just the right one.
None- instead they stand around and talk about how Marcellus would have done it.
-How many Juilliard students does it take to change a lightbulb?
21, One to change the bulb and the other 20 to stand around and talk about how much better they could have done it.
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Author: Bob A
Date: 2003-04-04 23:54
It's 2:30 a.m. and this hip musician is slouched on a bench at the Bus Stop when a breathless man comes running up and says, "Cross-town Busses run all night." The hipster looks at him and goes, "Doo Dah, Doo Dah!"
Or as the Canadian trumpet player said, "Take the Train, eh!"
Bob A
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Author: jack
Date: 2003-04-05 01:49
What's the difference between a clarinet player and a large pizza? A large pizza can feed a family of four.
What do you call a clarinet player that just broke-up with his girlfriend? A homeless person.
What do you call a beautiful girl on the arm of a clarinet player? A tattoo.
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Author: John J. Moses
Date: 2003-04-05 02:05
A great book of musician jokes circulated here in NYC a few years ago. They were compiled by a brilliant trombone player (not an oxymoron), named Alan Raph.
One of his most clever finds was:
"A Basset Horn looks like it should sound better!"
JJM
Légère Artist
Clark W. Fobes Artist
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Author: Joel Clifton
Date: 2003-04-05 02:56
Here are some great ones that I got from "classical music for dummies".
A woman went out on a date with a trumpet player. When she came back, her roommate asked, "well, how was it? Did his trumpet skills make him a great kisser?"
"Nah." She replied, "That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all."
The next night, she went out with a tuba player. When she came back, her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?"
"Ugh!" She exclaimed, "Those huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat; oh, it was just gross!"
The following night, she went out with a horn player. Once again her roommate asked afterward, "Well, how was his kissing?"
"Well," she replied, "his kissing was just so-so, but I loved the way he held me!"
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A great violinist died and went to heaven. But when she joined the Celestial Philharmonic, she found, to her amazement, that she was sitting at the very back of the violin section.
As she looked around, she found out why. In front of her were all the greatest violinists in history: Paganini, Heifetz, Joachim . . . all of them were there. Similarly, all the other positions in the orchestra were filled by the greatest virtuosos of all time.
Then the Maestro entered, raised his baton, and started to beat time - but not all that well, to tell the truth. His beat was unclear and sloppy, and his musical ideas were not well thought out.
Our friend the violinist turned to her stand partner and asked, "Who is that guy, anyway?"
"Oh," replied the stand partner, "That's God. He thinks he's a conductor."
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In the Ninth Symphony, the bass players didn't have a thing to do. Not a single note for 20 minutes.
Therefore, at one particular concert, the bass players decided that, after playing their parts in the opening of the symphony, they'd quietly lay down their instruments, leave the stage, and visit the bar next door to the concert hall for a while. THey planned to return just in time to play their final notes.
That's just how it went. But after ten minutes at the bar, two of the bassists passed out, and the rest of the players in the section were rahter drunk. Finally one of them looked at his watch and exclaimed, "look at the time! We'll be late!"
On their way back into the concert hall, the bassist who suggested this excursion in the first place said, "I think we'll still have enough time - I anticipated that something like this could happen, so I tied a string around the last pages of the conductor's sheet music. When he gets to that spot in the score, he'll have to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with the other!"
Sure enough, when they got back to the state, they discovered that they hadn't missed thier enterance. But one look at their conductor's face told them that they were still in serious trouble.
After all, it was the bottom of the Ninth, the basses were loaded, the score was tied, and two men were out!
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The concert was about to begin, and the principal viola player was nowhere to be seen. The conductor rushed backstage and found the violist in the dressing room, weeping.
"What's the matter?" the conductor asked.
"Oh, it's that darn principal bass player," the violist cried, "he put one of my strings out of tune - and he won't tell me which one!"
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"You have to play just right to make dissonant music sound wrong in the right way"
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Author: Tom A
Date: 2003-04-05 04:14
A violinist and a violist were walking down to the river for a swim.
As they approached the stream, the violin player said to her companion, "You know, I can hardly swim at all."
The viola player replied, "Why don't you just fake it, dear?"
(I guess it's in the delivery.)
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Author: joevacc
Date: 2003-04-05 04:23
A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft."
Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!" he says.
She reaches over, unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"
Then she asks, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"
He replies, "Ten years!"
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"
And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me you've got a clarinet in there!"
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Author: Mark Pinner
Date: 2003-04-05 05:44
Q: What do you call a jazz bassoonist with a pager?
A: An optimist!
I actually did a jazz gig last Tuesday night and did the first two sets on bassoon. I will be doing the same gig in a week or so time for two weeks and I will do it again. Anything to see the looks on the faces of some of the yuppies.
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Author: GBK
Date: 2003-04-05 06:20
For those of you who have been gigging all your life, like I have, here are:
The 40 Great Lies of The Music Business:
The booking is definite
Your check's in the mail
We can fix it in the mix
This is the best dope you've ever had
The show starts at 8
My secretary will take care of it
I'm sure it will work
Your tickets are at the door
It sounds in tune to me
Sure, it sounds fine at the back of the hall
I know your mic is on
I checked it myself
She'll be backstage after the show
Yes, the spotlight was on you during your solo
The stage mix sounds just like the program mix
The club will provide the PA and lights
I really love the band
We'll have it ready by tonight
We'll have lunch sometime
If it breaks, we'll fix it for free
We'll let you know
I had nothing to do with your marriage breaking up. It was on the rocks long before I ever met you
The place was packed
We'll have you back next week
It's on the truck
My last band had a record deal, but we broke up before recording the album
Someone will be there early to let you in
I've only been playing for a year
I've been playing for 20 years
We'll have flyers printed tomorrow
I'm with the band
The band drinks free
You'll get your cut tonight
We'll supply someone for the door
There'll be lots of maintenance guys when you get there
You'll have plenty of time for a sound check
My other horn is a Mark VI
We'll definitely come to the gig
You can depend on me
...GBK
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Author: Don Berger
Date: 2003-04-05 14:24
Very good, GBK, I've heard most if not all of these "off the top of the head" remarks, promises etc. Don
Thanx, Mark, Don
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Author: Benni
Date: 2003-04-05 16:39
How many jazz musicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, really - First, they realize that they can't afford a new lightbulb, so one of them says, "Don't worry, man, we'll just fake the changes!"
What's the difference between a insert musician here and a bond?
One matures and earns money.
(I've heard that one with so many various musicians, I though I'd let you decide  )
(This one only works if you're familiar with the grading scale of Superior, Excellent, Good, etc.:)
A school jazz band is playing their Duke Ellington program before a panel of judges. The band wasn't together at places and the soloists were a bit timid. Also, their intonation wasn't great. The next day, the band members asked the director how they did. The director replied, "We got a Good, and ain't that bad!"
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Author: Liesel
Date: 2003-04-05 20:30
How many jazz musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
6 - one to change it and 5 to stand around complaining that it's electric.
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Author: Donn
Date: 2003-04-05 22:59
Did you hear the one about the two musicians were walking down the street and behind them, a truck hits a manhole cover and flips it into the air. It comes down behind them with a loud CLANG! One says to the other "What was that?" The answer "A flat".
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Author: Ralph Katz
Date: 2003-04-07 20:03
"-How many Juilliard students does it take to change a lightbulb?
I heard Ed's joke as a 3-part one:
How many Eastman students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two - one to change the bulb, and one to say "I could have done that."
How many Curtis students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two - one to change the bulb, and one to say "I could have done that better."
How many Julliard students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two - one to change the bulb, and one to kick the chair out from under the first one.
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Author: Ralph Katz
Date: 2003-04-07 20:17
It is opening night of a Broadway show, the conductor falls ill at the last moment and his understudy is nowhere to be found. After polling the orchestra, the 2nd chair viola player says he has conducted and offers to fill in. The director has no choice but to let him try. To everybody's amazement, he does a great job, until the regular conductor recovers and returns.
After a week of conducting, the substitute conductor returns to his stand to resume playing viola. His stand-mate turns to him, and says:
"So, where have you been?"
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The principal viola of an orchestra returns home one night to find his street blocked off and full of police and fire vehicles. The officer blocking the street. upon finding out who he is, takes him aside in his patrol car.
"Sir," says the officer, "I don't know how to tell you this, but the conductor of your orchestra has just come to your house, killed your wife and kids, and burned your house down."
The violist is incredulous. "The conductor came to MY house?"
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How is a trumpeter different from a Certificate of Deposit?
The CD ultimately gains maturity and generates income.
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What is the difference between a trombone and a chainsaw?
Vibrato.
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How do you get a musician off your front porch?
Pay for the pizza.
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A jazz musician and a country musician, have commited a heinous crime together, for which they have been found guilty and are scheduled to be executed on the same day.
The Warden asks if they have any last requests.
"Yes," says the country musician. "I'd like to hear 'Achy, Breaky Heart' one more time."
"Take me first," says the jazz musician.
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|-(8^)
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The Clarinet Pages
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