Author: clarinet581
Date: 2009-11-21 22:33
Ok, thought that I'd find support from fellow musicians... Well, I shouldn't call myself a musician anymore. I'd like to be there, again.
Let me start off by saying, I started on clarinet at 8 years old. I played for a total of 12 years. I'll never forget the first time I picked one up. It was a magical experience. From that day on, I knew what I wanted to be in life. It had of course become a dream. I didn't come from a wealthy family, so at the time, music was all I had. They tried the best they could to make all my dreams come true. I started off with a plastic selmer student version, hahaha. HE (I named him Anselmo) was my best friend.
Years of tutors, years of playing, I was a pre-professional. I can honestly say on a professional level. I would always hold positions in honor orchestra on state, local and one time national honors orchestra. Behind my favorites in the states, but I didn't care. They were my friends. I had a great pre-professional career. Towards the end of high school, I finally decided, I wanted to turn the passion I had into a FULL OUT CAREER.
I had a few setbacks of course. Obviously I was good enough to get accepted into Northwestern. I was of course shooting for Julliard, NE Conserv, or Boston... Yet, when it came time to go, there goes the parents. I didn't get a scholarship like a few of my friends did. I ended up going to a different school that was more in my parents budget. Of course, I started out in music, until all my friends were getting gigs in their respective 'great' music schools. So, I thought, "hey, I'm in a great city" I think I'm good enough. I'm making a career out of it. So I try out for a symphony here. FAIL... I tried out for the orchestra for the ballet, FAIL... I tried out for the last and final, for the civic symphony, FAIL. Of course, there were like 10000000000 people trying out for like 1 or two chairs.
After those setbacks, I did the unthinkable.... QUIT.... I hadn't picked up a clarinet since.... I ended up with a degree in Mathematics. How does one go from Music to Mathematics you ask? Well, I went from something I LOVE, CHERISHED, and was DEDICATED to, to something I was just good at.
Fast forward to present day, I work a 9-5 in a petroleum conglomerate, I'm bored with life. NOTHING gives me the same love and passion as I had for music earlier in life. I've had everything from fancy cars, to great gadgets, a life one would call, wonderful... Yet, still, nothing gives me the same passion for life.
I happened to be riding in my car the other day, as you know, we're coming up on Christmas time. So, I put it on Sirius Pops, you know, the classical station, and Jesu, joy of mans desiring came on. I finally FELT it. The one thing I've been MISSING in life for 9 whole years, PASSION. I closed my eyes, and I honestly FELT it. I tuned the whole orchestra out, and heard the 1st and second clarinet part. It was something I vividly remember. Then a little Tchaikovsky came on, Waltz of the flowers. I picked up my phone, and googled the NEAREST music store to my home.
I saw it, and there it was, a row of clarinets... I fell in love with the LeBlanc Heritage Series Opus. It was BEAUTIFUL.. Let's remember I haven't played in 9 years, so I opted for the buffet e-11. $1700 later. I had one, my best friend was back. His name is benny.. Well, I got benny home, and I just looked and stared at it. I waited until morning....
Well, that was THIS morning. I picked benny up, popped a CD in the stereo that I bought, and sat in my chair, back straight. I felt the music in my soul, I saw the music on each sheet... BUT, it didn't translate to my fingers. Of course, I remember all fingerings, but it didn't transfer at the rate of the required to play. At least, to the point I was at earlier in life. As I sit here in tears, like earlier this morning. I feel maybe the passion has gone. There isn't anymore. I felt I found it once again. For now, I can feel it slipping away again. Just as I let it slip away when I gave up after not becoming pro. Maybe the time wasn't right for me at that time. I wasn't ready. My heart was, but I wasn't.
Will it ever come back? Will ever be as great as before? Why isn't it like riding a bike? I can still read music immpeccably, just not play like I could before. My tone is still very mature and rich.. BUT instead of playing the notes, my fingers have just learned how to type 110WPM... Is there any advice anyone can give me?
Regards,
Sad here with my new best friend....
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