 The Clarinet BBoard
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Author: Ron Jr.
Date: 2005-08-18 13:35
Hello,
Yesterday while practicing long tones in the altissimo register, I had a pianist friend ask: "Do you really have to make all that noise?!" Of course for the clarinetist, long tones are important because they are esseintial to improving and refining our tone. But the pianist had no idea why I had to "sit on a note forever".
Are there things that you do musically or in practice that drive other musicians, especially non-wind players, crazy?
Ron Jr.
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Author: Brenda
Date: 2005-08-18 13:59
Why would you do long tones in the altissimo range? Galper always taught that the lowest notes are the basis for any of the high notes - plus it's easier on the listener's ear. (Coming from a person who used to get after her brother for making annoying noises while waiting for the school bus!!)
I guess the biggest thing that could drive others crazy is to play parts repeatedly, first slowly then a little faster. That's why I prefer to practice where nobody has to hear it.
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Author: Clarinetgirl06
Date: 2005-08-18 14:16
It drives me crazy when I'm in a small space and people are playing so loud that I can't hear myself.
-Coming from the girl that can outwind all the other clarinets at her school and even all the freshman combined.
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Author: Ralph G
Date: 2005-08-18 15:14
I'm sure I annoy the bassoonist next to me in my orchestra by squeezing my ProTec double case in the tiny space between our chairs. I'm forever bumping the bottom of his bassoon when I open the case to grab a cloth, swab, reed, etc.
He gets his revenge by playing horribly out of tune at all times. Well, I hope that's just revenge...
________________
Artistic talent is a gift from God and whoever discovers it in himself has a certain obligation: to know that he cannot waste this talent, but must develop it.
- Pope John Paul II
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Author: 3dogmom
Date: 2005-08-18 15:33
My all time favorite - counting "your" multiple measure rests out loud. (ONE - two - three - four, TWO - two - three - four, etc.)
We've already discussed foot tapping (stomping) to an inaccurate or imaginary beat.
I could go on.
Sue Tansey
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Author: Synonymous Botch
Date: 2005-08-18 15:41
Arriving late.
Answering a cell phone call.
Neglecting cleanup duties after a gig.
Substance abuse.
Eating up rehearsal time with anecdotes about "days gone by" on stage.
Telling anyone that will listen "That's not how THEY do things in ...."
(Go play there, already, if we're not up to your standards.... unless YOU're not up to theirs.)
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Author: Terry Stibal
Date: 2005-08-18 16:11
Practicing can be very irritating to others, at the same time that _their_ practicing isn't seen to be offensive at all. But, it's only one of many behaviors that drive me nuts when I'm setting up for a job.
Brass players maintain that they need to "warm up" their lips, and I can see the logic of this. But, I can't see the reason for sitting in your hole in the set up and running through endless repetitions of jazz scales if you are otherwise set up and ready to go. Even if you aren't willing to help with the setup process (and some aren't, for whatever reason; guess which players don't get combo jobs?), you can at least do the minimum warmup, and then just sit still and wait for the baton to drop.
One of the most frustrating things about being the leader of a group is having to deal with the "non-music" distractions that come with "being in charge". While most things are planned for in advance, there's always some unique situation that needs my attention at every rehearsal and performance. Trying to deal with the lack of black socks on a soloist can be frustrating enough, but having it all overlain with "noise" of unneeded warmup or "jobsite practicing" makes it all the worse.
I've even gone so far as to take all "personnel" and "appearance" issues out of the equation by assigning them to my wife (back up vocalist and "band boy"). That means that she gives added directions on the phone to a lost trombone player, and that she gets the venue staff to turn the AC down lower, and that she minds the spare ties, cummerbunds, socks and (yes, Virginia) the spare black shoes.
I've got an "all quiet" signal that I use when I have to, but most are aware that once you are ready, make yourself as non-instrusive as possible and ready to go when summoned. Warm ups are done well ahead of start times on jobs, and usually my "screamer" brass folks do them outside in the loading dock.
The "practicers" are generally warned once, and that's all that it takes. If they don't get the message, well...it's time for them to move on.
leader of Houston's Sounds Of The South Dance Orchestra
info@sotsdo.com
Post Edited (2005-08-18 16:12)
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Author: Keith Ferguson
Date: 2005-08-18 16:12
Consider this package: (1) In addition to counting rests out loud, get into an argument with one of the people sitting next to you about which bar the band is at. (2) Use your metronome (and DON'T push the mute button) to try to figure out the precise tempo the conductor has chosen. (3) Record rehearsals on an old casette recorder with lots of clunky, noisy push buttons and, in case you can't recognize the piece later, bellow its title into the recorder on the downbeat ("Overture to Candide - take two").
It was a looong season.
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Author: Alphie
Date: 2005-08-18 16:41
Practicing the principal's solos for the upcoming week (just kidding).
The rest of our woodwinds get frustrated by us clarinets when we warm up in the morning in the same room with the radio on full blast. It's just an old habit of ours.
Alphie
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Author: SueSmith
Date: 2005-08-18 17:57
Quote:
Telling anyone that will listen "That's not how THEY do things in ...."
(Go play there, already, if we're not up to your standards.... unless YOU're not up to theirs.)
Botch, ITA with you on this one. At my last school, there was an Oboist who had attended Aspen the previous summer (Although he paid, wasn't good enough to be a fellow!), and was constantly comparing every wind player to those at the Festival. Finally Karma got him in the butt, when he re-applied to our school as a Grad Student and got denied because he wasn't "of caliber."
I love when people with inflated ego's get shot down - ah ... sweet redemption!
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Author: Bob Phillips
Date: 2005-08-18 19:28
I like playing jazz variations on my solo passages with the up-tight director in the room.
Maybe that's why he didn't invite me to go to the premiere of his Mass in London.
Bob Phillips
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Author: Alseg
Date: 2005-08-18 19:47
Spit valve emptying that goes astray.
"pffffffhtttt....oops, sorry 'bout that"
Former creator of CUSTOM CLARINET TUNING BARRELS by DR. ALLAN SEGAL
-Where the Sound Matters Most(tm)-
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Author: allencole
Date: 2005-08-18 20:25
The practicing thing is pretty rampant. I know some good players who may never see a paying gig because they practice at rehearsal instead of at home. They can show off some fine chops, but no one knows if they could be trusted to show restraint in a theatre pit.
Allen Cole
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Author: sfalexi
Date: 2005-08-18 21:59
Quote:
the pianist had no idea why I had to "sit on a note forever". THat person is just jealous because they CAN'T sit on that note forever. Also irking to them (maybe only because I point it out), is when I say, "look what I can do" and I hold one note and continually get louder . . .
One thing that irks others is when I'm trying out different setups (I mix and match my setup often, although I always end up right back where I started). To do this I will often take two passages (one slow and lyrical, one fast and technical) and play them over and over and over again. With different setups, listening for differences and feeling for them.
Alexi
US Army Japan Band
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Author: lowclarinetman
Date: 2005-08-18 22:03
Conductors
the number one cause of my headaches and back-stress-related-pain while playing music...
for example: we're playing rhapsody in blue this week and the "CONDUCTOR" decides he wants to conduct the first measure....
sigh
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Author: larryb
Date: 2005-08-18 22:08
"get into an argument with one of the people sitting next to you about which bar the band is at."
What? Now that's what I'd call a band with a substance abuse problem!
I usually pass out before getting to that stage.
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Author: BassetHorn
Date: 2005-08-18 22:25
Foot tapping, and acting as if in love with the music (eyes close, big smile, head swinging).
OK at rehearsal, but major turn off at concert times.
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Author: DougR
Date: 2005-08-19 01:45
Er, playing a close-quarters big-band gig and getting whacked in the back of the head with a trombone slide? ...REPEATEDLY?
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Author: Terry Stibal
Date: 2005-08-19 03:11
"Er, playing a close-quarters big-band gig and getting whacked in the back of the head with a trombone slide? ...REPEATEDLY?"
I tend to get it from the bass trombonist...on a tight stage, the rhythm folks tend to shift the brass over behind us saxes slightly, and suddenly Leon only has a four inch gap into which to reach for sixth and seventh positions.
All part of the fun, though...it's worse on a cruise ship, in any event.
leader of Houston's Sounds Of The South Dance Orchestra
info@sotsdo.com
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Author: Sovek
Date: 2005-08-19 03:11
Trumpets on overdrive, every week I play at church I get three trumpets sitting right behind me blasting in my ear who think they must play as loud as the can and leave my ears ringing after everysong. I asked them to tone it down one week, they said they must play loud.
relatives, I can a peice perfectly and sound very good, but they think its annoying.
musicians who have talent and wont use it, ircs me to no end.
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Author: mkybrain
Date: 2005-08-19 03:25
talentless trumpet players in a highschool band room hitting the highest notes they can, thats what annoys me most, well that and people playing after the conductor stops conducting...
Post Edited (2005-08-19 03:26)
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Author: marcia
Date: 2005-08-19 04:01
For those of us that must endure loud trumpets, and piccs.--earplugs work and are essential to preserve hearing. By the time you notice your hearing is deteriorating.....it's getting too late!! I think all of us old dogs know this but the young and invincible might need some persuading.
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Author: diz
Date: 2005-08-19 04:07
marcia is spot on when it comes to piccolos ... try sitting in front of one (like 2nd violins in most orchestras) ... they are ear splitting (mind you 2nd violinists are usually off with the pixies most of the time).
Without music, the world would be grey, very grey.
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Author: Bob Phillips
Date: 2005-08-19 04:39
3dogmom,
In our quintet, we actually count aloud during our rests. This helps the others keep the beat. Of course, the person not playing doesn't count the measures, just the beats.
NOT 123 223 323 423, ...
BUT 123 123 123 123, ...
It really tightens up our rehearsals!
Bob Phillips
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Author: DTH
Date: 2005-08-19 05:49
How about sucking the saliva from your mouthpiece with a loud slurrping sound - that's what one clarinettist always did as a habit. Sounds totally gross!
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Author: Gordon (NZ)
Date: 2005-08-19 13:02
The flute player who plays with such a broad pitch vibrato that the only possible way of playing in tune with it is to join it!
Vibraphones do this too.
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Author: Don Poulsen
Date: 2005-08-19 14:44
At the risk of being repetitious (while somewhat surprised that no one mentioned it before mkybrain)...
- people who continue playing long after the conductor stopped (hmm...were they not even watching him?)
- brass players keeping their lips loose during a concert by buzzing them during rests in their parts (Why do they assume the audience can't hear them?)
- counting out loud, especially during a piece we've rehearsed several times before and during a concert! (Initial sightreading and first rehearsal may be forgivable.)
- using rehearsal time to discuss non-critical issues (I joined my community band to play music, and would prefer not to use our limited rehearsal time doing otherwise if possible.)
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Author: Rick Williams
Date: 2005-08-19 16:24
About the only thing as an amateur player in volunteer groups that annoys me is when the clarinet section gets handed a challenging piece of music and we have problems getting it together and some smart aleck (typically a trumpet player for some reason) makes a derogatory remark about our playing.
This got so bad in one group I played with that the conductor grabbed our music and switched it with the trumpets and then we all got to listen to them struggle with it for a while. Cured them pretty quickly of the habit but it was still really annoying.
Interestingly enough I once had a piccolo player complain to me about playing scales into the altissimo before rehearsal started. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black. She asked if I really had to play that high? I told her; “yeah I do because our charts go that high and reeds behave differently in each register and I need to know that the reed will respond well with any passage I need to play." She acted surprised and said she didn’t know that and it was never an issue again. Before that she probably assumed I was being a pain in the butt. Amazing the things we don’t know about the issues we each face getting music to come out.
Best
RW
Best
Rick
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Author: 3dogmom
Date: 2005-08-19 16:51
To Bob Phillips:
I can see how that would be helpful in rehearsals. Some people really have a problem with internalizing the beat and foot tapping becomes an issue. Some get angry if you don't tap, which I usually try not to do. Counting in a small group is a huge problem, though.
Another annoyance - how about those two first and second chair clarinetists (or trumpets, or flutes) in a large band who are competing to see who can play the "best", which I guess means loudest, and slightly ahead of the beat? Talk about not blending, the rest of us might as well go home.
Sue Tansey
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Author: DavidBlumberg
Date: 2005-08-19 17:34
One time in Youth Orchestra (I was in 8th grade) the Clarinets decided to screw with the Flutes by taping our feet on the back of their chairs.
Probably wouldn't have been nearly annoying if we had been keeping the correct beat 
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Author: Carol Dutcher
Date: 2005-08-19 18:40
I played in a trio, clarinet, accordion, drums. The accordion player NEVER learned how to set up his amplifier and midi, week after week, it was like the whole system was brand new to him. Then when he finally got all the plugs pushed in the right holes, he would turn me way down, so you could not hear the clarinet at all. Yes, it really drove me crazy and that's why I won't deal with him anymore. I never could figure out if he was senile, demented, retarded, or just plain nuts.
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Author: Hank Lehrer
Date: 2005-08-19 18:47
There is a clarinet player that sits in the row behind me that seems to be "trying to save her entire section" by playing too loud (as though she is showing the others how the part is to be played). Forget any idea of blending as I, as well as the others, can always hear her above the others.
She is not a bad player at all but may be trying to show those in the upper parts of the clarinet section that she is "just as good, thank you!" I think she has forgotten that she is not her part's "designated soloist."
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Author: David Peacham
Date: 2005-08-19 20:58
Doug and Terry -
Much more annoying for the trombone player than for you. Trombone slides are fragile, and expensive. Also, if you hit your slide on something, the mouthpiece is likely to smack you in the mouth.
-----------
If there are so many people on this board unwilling or unable to have a civil and balanced discussion about important issues, then I shan't bother to post here any more.
To the great relief of many of you, no doubt.
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Author: ClarinetConnoisseur
Date: 2005-08-19 21:27
I have many ways to annoy other clarinets (or musicians!)
*Play everything up two or three octaves
*Add random runs or turns between notes
*Play an Eb clarinet for the Bb or A part
*Play an Eb clarinet
*Trill on high notes for a long time
*Flutter tongue every note
*Sway with the music dramatically
*Play on bad or chipped reeds
*Put coins between the mp and barrel of other clarinets
*Hide the violinist's bows
*Stick a hackey-sack in a bassoon (or a wad of paper!)
*Put numbing gel on a brass player's mouthpiece
*On a multiple page song, tape the music to the stand
There's a lot more, but these work best!
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Author: clarinet D. A.
Date: 2005-08-19 23:12
Reading this thread pretty much annoyed me.
Basically, unless you play 1st clarinet, just sit there quietly. And don't play as loud as the 1st clarinet.
Don't talk.
Then you have a chance of not annoying too many people.
On the other hand, most of you don't care who you are annoying. . .obviously.
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Author: Markael
Date: 2005-08-19 23:40
Clarinet DA, I see this is your first post.
Welcome to the Clarinet Bulletin Board.
Maybe it’s just me, but I find your post to be annoying. If it’s not just me then it would seem that you are getting off to a bad start.
In the clarinet section I would prefer to sit next to real people. I think it would be most fun to sit next to Rocky Mountain Bo. He said it best: “I pretty much annoy everyone with my clarinet.” What a role model!
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Author: psychotic lil clarinet girl (don't as
Date: 2005-08-20 00:07
oh... one of the best things to do is to play your high G very softly (when no one else is playing)... slowly crescendo and then play it as loud and piercing as possible ^_^
What do you mean just sit there quietly and not play as loud as the first clarinet?
That's a bunch of B.S., the third clarinet is supposed to play the loudest. Not over ride the melody, but still play just a bit louder than the dynamic marking.
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Author: Hank Lehrer
Date: 2005-08-20 00:19
Hi Clarinet D.A. (aka Joe Jones),
Welcome to Clarinet BB.
My advice is if you don't like the thread, don't read it. Then you will not be annoyed.
SYL
HRL
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Author: mkybrain
Date: 2005-08-20 05:20
I actually think your band director might tell the thirds to play louder because they probably play timidly and with very little air in the first place. I would think the balance between sections and such are mostly circumstantial.
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Author: EEBaum
Date: 2005-08-20 05:40
Excessive, and I mean excessive, physical movement, with an irritating smirk and a good deal of eyebrow giddiness.
Those same @#$% four bars of Stravinsky 3 Pieces, Midsummer Night's Dream, or whatever the audition piece du jour is.
Loudly blowing spit out of a tone hole during a concert.
What do *I* do that's irritating? I've been known to play a concert Bb (our C, above the staff) about a quarter tone flat when people are warming up for rehearsal. I'll also harmonize people's random warmup doodling.
-Alex
www.mostlydifferent.com
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Author: phillyhotshot
Date: 2005-08-20 17:22
That's a bunch of B.S., the third clarinet is supposed to play the loudest. Not over ride the melody, but still play just a bit louder than the dynamic marking.
In what orchestra do you play 3rd clarinet? You'd get kicked out of any of the ones I play in.
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Author: marzi
Date: 2005-08-20 17:26
the band director does tell us thirds to bring it out more as being deep down it doesn't carry as well as the two firsts playing, then i find it annoying to be the only third playing as the other two drop out. there goes the "blending in"...but at least they can hear someone in the third section playing.
now what i want to know is how can i annoy the trumpets?
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Author: phillyhotshot
Date: 2005-08-20 18:31
OIC. . .this board is for jr. high and high school.
Never mind. Someone said it was for pros.
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Author: BassClarinetGirl
Date: 2005-08-20 18:47
"Er, playing a close-quarters big-band gig and getting whacked in the back of the head with a trombone slide? ...REPEATEDLY?"
How about the third trombone not only being a danger to the tenor saxes heads, but having a leaky spit valve?
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Author: marcia
Date: 2005-08-20 18:54
A trumpet player who complains about awkward fingering on his trumpet, while claiming to know all about clarinet fingering. I mentioned this at a sax quartet rehearsal and the other three just about fell off their chairs laughing.
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Author: DavidBlumberg
Date: 2005-08-20 19:47
That's the beauty of it "phillyhotshot", it's for all players from a kid who's played for 1 month to the Clarinet Professor at Oxford.
Literally
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Author: mkybrain
Date: 2005-08-20 19:59
I played principal in orchestra and bands. I highly doubt that I'd be 'kicked' out.
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Author: vin
Date: 2005-08-20 20:49
In the professional orchestra I play in, a few subs were not asked back for a variety of "annoying" traits, such as talking too much, excessive practicing. People being inconsiderate of others doesn't only happen in junior high, unfortunately. Several of the people were fine players, but no one wants to have to focus on anything but the music and their own playing.
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Author: rc_clarinetlady
Date: 2005-08-20 21:42
I agree with Hank. The clarinetist that wants to "save the section" drives me crazy. I think a lot of clarinetists think they're WAY better than they really are.
I second, third, fourth,....(whatever number we're on).....the issue of not stopping after the conductor drops the baton. Why aren't people watching??? Any conductors out there want to comment on that one? And why does it always seem to be the string basses? Can they just not see as well as the rest of the orchestra or do they have other issues I don't know about? It seems like they have the best view to me. Maybe they're just on a roll and can't stop. I really don't know.
I've read some of this thread to my family and we've had a few laughs at the trumpet posts. I live in a family of brass players and two are trumpeters. I loved the idea of switching the clarinet part for the trumpet part. Hilarious! Not only are they loud but they do the spit thing and the buzzing lips thing too. I have to be careful because the trumpeters are my beloved sons. We give each other grief all the time. It's a fun household.
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Author: missclarinetist
Date: 2005-08-21 06:05
Repeatly practicing the same pieces at home driving my mom crazy that I practice the same pieces again, and driving my partner in orchestra crazy when I play flat instead of in tune.
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Author: EEBaum
Date: 2005-08-21 06:12
A poor conductor will make people go "visors down," though that's very rarely the reason people don't stop.
If a conductor doesn't establish a good rapport with the ensemble, the lack of stopping is likely to be more rampant, in my experience. If you can get them to hang onto your every move, they're more likely to notice when you stop.
-Alex
www.mostlydifferent.com
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Author: D
Date: 2005-08-21 13:48
There is a woman at one of the groups I attend who drives me(and others) nuts. Among her offences are:
Continually criticizing the choice of music, the composer, the conductor, the tempo, the dynamics, etc.
Talking 'under her breath' almost all the time she is not playing, fondly imagining that because she is loosing her hearing, we are too and therefore can't hear her.
As a consequence of the talking, not hearing the conductor giving instructions and then having to ask where we are........after everyone else has started playing of course. This is not because she is hard of hearing, many people in this group are. The conductors take care to be very clear.
Overblowing so we can all hear her above everybody else, especially in quiet sections (she often plays the lowest parts so in the loud sections tends to be out gunned).
Playing everything legatto, even when staccatto are clearly written in and have also been requested by the conductor.
Looking round in irritation when she can hear someone else playing at the same time she is, whether they are on the same part as her or not.
Staring pointedly at people to try and make them butcher the part in the same way that she is doing.
Continually belitteling the playing of others (bearing in mind this is a group of deliberately mixed abilities ranging from people who teach the instrument to those who have very little ability).
Deliberately ignoring requests which pertain to her position on the committee, but interfering with the duties of the rest of the committee members.
Constant repetition of 'I took my ABRSM grade 8 you know'
etc.
I feel so much better!
Some thing else that drives me nuts, but that is not actually caused by other musicians, is unsuitable venues. You know when you turn up somewhere for a rehersal and there is enough room for you and your chair and stand. But there is no where, either in the room or outside it, for all the cases, coats, bags etc. Orchestras generate a vast amount of 'stuff'. Howcome no one every remembers this?!
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Author: Terry Stibal
Date: 2005-08-22 02:43
I worry about all of those cases all of the time. My standard contract requires that the client ensure that a secure room is provided at the venue, and we always visit a new venue before the date of the performance to ensure that this has been taken into account.
It's never a problem at a big hotel, but some of the smaller venues don't provide this sort of thing automatically. And, during your two hour set up window, you don't want to have to find the guy with the keys to open up a room that will suit the purpose. (Instead, you spend that time saved getting the trombone players properly dressed...how those guys ever get out of the house with their pants on two legs is beyond me.)
In all my years "in the business", I've learned to never assume things will go smoothly, and plan for the worse. For example, we carry around two hundred foot long heavy industrial extension cords, just in case. I've only needed them twice, but they were a lifesaver when they were needed.
Speaking of "annoyances, musicians, the cause of by", yesterday morning we were in the process of lapping in a couple of new female vocalists. This involves surveying through all of our arrangements that they feel they know the words to the tune, then running each one three times. The first two times are for initial exposure for the girls, with the third being so that a practice "music minus one" recording can be made for them to practice with on their own (karaoke style, as it were).
With so many arrangements to run through and "learn", and such a short time to do it in, it's the only realistic way to rehearse them. Once I've heard them with enough tunes to "make do", we'll then put together the set lists for the next two months and polish them up once the gals have "learned" the arrangements.
(They are both great gals, by the way, and we're glad that we were able to get them, having lost both of our previous female soloists, one to relocation and one to a lighting strike (don't ask).)
So, I'm seated up on the stand at the union hall, and I tell the girls to come up behind me while we play for the microphone so I can keep them on track in their music. (Like many vocalists, they "read music" but not very well.) Then, we launch into Rhythm Is Gonna Get You, a hot Latin Gloria Estephan tune that one of the two does VERY well. (She is also a positive distraction to watch from behind, and my wife gets a kick out of looking at who's play attention to her rather than to the music.
When we started, everything was pretty normal. However, as we got into the vocal sections (there's a long intro section in our arrangement), the floor of the bandstand beneath me started to shake like I had never felt it before. The two girls, swept up in pantomiming through their parts, were wiggling, writhing and foot tapping with a vengeance. Once I got used to it, it was okay, but for a while there I thought a stampede was happening
leader of Houston's Sounds Of The South Dance Orchestra
info@sotsdo.com
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Author: Aussiegirl
Date: 2005-08-22 09:36
At a stage band gig once, the bass trombonist deliberately dripped "musical juice" on my headn when i was playing bari. That was not only disgusting, but annoying! But i did eventually forgive him...sometime after that he became my boyfriend!
About a month before my end of year 12 solo performance music exam, my brother who was 11 at the time and plays trumpet, came in when i was practicing and said "Dont you know any other pieces? Youve been practicing those ones all year!" Gave me some insight into how sick my family musta been of Malcolm Arnold and Finzi.
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Author: 3dogmom
Date: 2005-08-22 13:27
I enjoyed Terry's post about vocalists. I have little patience for those who "sing", but have no musical training or experience. My favorite was the one who said to us, "We can't sing it up that high, so we'll just sing lower while you play". Maybe a transposition would have been in order...an unfamiliar concept.
Sue Taney
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Author: Terry Stibal
Date: 2005-08-22 15:17
Sue, I know that a lot of musicians are peeved at vocalists who can't "read" music, but I think that it's more a function of the way that they are taught and learn on their own. And, they have other concurrent issues to deal with when performing that musicians never even dream of confronting.
Think about it for a while. We all learn "push a button (combined with some other factors, like lip tension and so forth), get a note". Pianists have it so simple in that they don't worry about intonation at all; woodwinds get their octave/twelveth shifts relatively automatically, and so forth. Brass players, particularly trombonists, have it a bit more complicated, but once the behavior is learned, it's down pat.
Vocalists, on the other hand, don't have a "one simple action equals one guaranteed result" option in their training. They learn intervals between notes in a relationship that's usually based upon real song performance (because it's so easy to fall into that trap) rather than exercises (such as we all practice 'til we turn blue).
As a result, unless you get one who has been "classically trained", you're not likely to get a good reader along with a good voice. Why should they bother to learn, anyway? Once they get their lead-in from the tune and know that their first note is a fifth down from the quarter in the bar before they enter, they're set and (after that) just matching intervals rather than singing a series like C C# D B and so on.
And, when you do get one who is "classically trained", very often they are so wooden as to not be able to adapt to "modern" music idiom. Much like a group of violinist trying to play "swing" rhythm (something that never fails to break me up when I hear it in a theater pit), most "legit" vocalists just don't get the connection between the delivery of lyrics and the timing of the note.
From any vocalist that I've ever had power over (sounds pretty kinky, but there you go), I expect the following:
1) Be on time (both for rehearsal/performance, and for your entries). Worked with one once who missed half of her numbers in the set list because she was at the bar being chatted up by some young stud. Good looking or not, she got the boot. I expect the vocalist to be on their way up to the microphone at the appointed time when we are ready to play the tune, and we roll through tunes with about a twenty to thirty second break. They get one warning, then they're history.
2) Be presentable. It's great to have the good looks and figure of a young Marilyn Monroe along with vocal ability, but even "plain" women can do the right things to look great up on stage. Basics like gown choice, open toed shoes, no glasses, and posture go a long way. Extras like smooth movement, eye contact, microphone technique, and clever patter help out, and stunning good looks and sex appeal are the icing on the cake. But, basic appearance is the most important.
Good looking guys follow a similar but slightly different path. Eye contact is the most important there (in my humble opinion), followed by good patter ability, with singing a third place item.
3) "Know the songs". That means no "Can you give me a pitch?" requests, but rather picking your note in the intro and taking your pitch from that (the interval style of performing music again). Ideally, I'd like for them to have the words down pat, but we have a lot of arrangements and that's asking a lot.
In effect, this means that the thrush or crooner should understand the rest structure of a given arrangement, know that instrumental breaks are usually (but not always) for eight or twelve bars of 4/4 time, and know which tunes are the exceptions to the general rule, know how to set their entry pitch in upcoming phrases, and know the endings and how to conduct them.
We had one gal who gave us the cue for downbeats in endings with a slight twitch of her ass...now THAT'S entertainment.
4) If you make a mistake, keep going and fake it. This happens a lot more in live performances that most folks imagine, and to the extent that a vocalist can pull it off in large part determines their overall success. In effect, it means that being free to fail has to be understood. When you perform perhaps ten thousand notes in a night's time, there's going to be errors. The important thing is that you learn from your mistakes, and for God's sake recover and keep going. Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, no one but you (and me) will even notice.
5) Be willing to be flexible. That means you may be a soloist, but you're also a backup singer when needed, someone to carry messages to the other vocalists during the current number where you might be sitting down (or should that be "should be sitting down"), and ready to follow simple instructions to deal with emergencies.
My vocalists are the ones who know where the circuit breakers are so if a breaker trips one of them is on the way in seconds rather than waiting for me to disencumber myself of the baritone in order to deal with it. Little Anissa was a whiz with the sound system, a decent jazz pianist in a pinch, and an administrative powerhouse with keeping the other vocalists on task. More's the pity that it now costs me a plane ticket as well as her share to use her.
6) (And a long way sixth, I might add): Be able to sing off of the chart without any help with pitch. Having an a capella capable vocalist is a great thing for a group, and one I've had in the past allowed me to do more dramatic things with her than I can with some others. But, it's far from essential.
When I bring a new vocalist on, I can tell within a day or so just how much "reading ability" that they have. At that point, if they don't understand the rests and the note durations, I give them a little guide book that has everything listed in reference format. That's so they can figure out the basics on their own. I then give them a couple of weeks and then check their "reading comprehension" on a simple chart with some pick up notes and band choruses and the like. If, at that point, they still don't understand what a fermata is and what to do when they encounter one, it's time for a serious reappraisal of their vitality. Sadly, some of the best in other departments don't make the cut.
There is a widespread perception among instrumentalists that vocalists have an easy time of it. After all, they only perform at about three-fifths the rate of the instrumentalists, and they do seem to be sitting around a lot in the interim. However, unlike certain dumpy looking trombonists of my acquaintance, they are "on display" every minute of the time that they are up front, and they are (in effect) the "personality" of the musical group.
Ten days from now, the customer might have an inkling that the group sounded "classy" or "professional", they might recall that the lead tenor player (if indeed they know what a tenor is) was a hot soloist. But, they will, without a doubt, recall an attractive vocalist who knew her stuff and looked as though she was "entertaining" rather than just "singing". And, _that's_ what matters, at least as far as business is concerned.
War story follows:
A job we did last year is a great case in point. I was forced to go with only my backup vocalist (the lighting bolt one), who was no way as polished as my then-Number 1 gal (who is a sight to see and hear in all senses). It was a high class client and venue, the kind of client that could afford to spend two thousand dollars on an ice bar erected solely for decorative effect.
Like we always do, a quality control recording was made of the performance. That performance, quite frankly, was one that I am embarrassed to acknowledge that we made (I have yet to share it with anyone). Blown entrances, poor musicianship, tuning problems, trombone players who must have been mentally wandered...you name it and it was musically wrong.
Guess what? That client was one of the most satisfied that we've had to date. The person who booked us was enthusiastic from the moment we started setting up, he got excited once we started the warm up (which we did to an empty room, since something downstairs hadn't started off on time (this was a very structured event, with lots of bells and whistles), and he made it a point to collar me during every break to praise what we were doing.
My two male vocalists, both quite visible among the guests due to their attire, were also approached numerous times during the job itself, praising what we had done. And the promoter, a relatively small time but still first class operator, was very complementary as well.
Now, I'm sure that part of it was based upon our organization (which is set up to be flexible from the get-go), some of it was no doubt due to people not being able to hear the "problems" that jump out at me from the recordings, and there were doubtless other factors as well. But, the main reason that I see for the success was that the vocalists were on top of their game that evening, and that the one female we had singing was a knockout both with appearance and presentation.
That she was scared to death the whole time didn't detract from her final impact, and even with two shaky entries, she still was a good part of the reason for the ultimate success. It was her first time performing under lights, she was scared out of her wits with having to go on without the leadership of Anissa (the number one), and she was almost as blind as a bat due to not wearing her glasses. (I had to give her massive pep talks every chance that I had during the performance; not easy to do when you're also 33% of the operation's bass section.) But, she was gorgeous to look at, good enough at singing, and personality wise a smash.
Was it a flawless performance? Hell no. Could we have done better? Well, in my opinion, there's always room for improvement with trombone playing, but there were problems overall as well. (We also had space problems in the venue, one more distraction made worse by the catering crew wanting to claim about a third of our staging area.) But, in overall terms (client satisfaction, future business derived) it was an unqualified success, plain and simple.
It just goes to show that music has many elements, and not always the ones that musicians worry about matter the most...
leader of Houston's Sounds Of The South Dance Orchestra
info@sotsdo.com
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Author: Kel
Date: 2005-08-22 16:26
Terry Stibal wrote:
> 4) If you make a mistake, keep going and fake it. >
About 1960 I attended an Ella Fitzgerald concert. She missed a high note, said "Come on, Ella" into the mike, hit the note , faked a few notes, and stayed in perfect sync with the band. She was a musician!
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Author: Lelia Loban ★2017
Date: 2005-08-23 11:42
How about violinists and violists who scratch the old, crusted rosin off their strings with their fingernails: skreeky, skreeeky, skreeeek! Scritch scritch scritch! SKREEEEK! Worse than fingernails on a blackboard....
Lelia
http://www.scoreexchange.com/profiles/Lelia_Loban
To hear the audio, click on the "Scorch Plug-In" box above the score.
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The Clarinet Pages
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