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RE: WARNING!!!!

Author: Rob
Date: 2001-11-15 02:53

To Todd W.:

I did not feel criticized in any way. I wanted only to thank you for increasing my knowledge.

To Dan:

You obviously feel very strongly that a wrong (or many wrongs) have been committed against you and that in this case, that you are a victim of verbal abuse and character asassination. You mention also, rather dramatically, that you have dealt with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder all of your life and you and your wife have carefully read each response to your original "WARNING!!!" post. Some things you may want to bear in mind are:

You originally posted on the BB hoping to find suggestions for overcoming the problem you described, but your inclusion of information regarding your frustrations and personal (and rather sarcastic)criticisms of people you do not personally know (such as the clerk at WW&BW) indicated that you were also seeking validation for your feelings of frustration, expressed in the post. You did not find that validation. Instead you found some rather blunt criticism of your attitude and behavior. Was it unpleasant? Perhaps. Did it constitute abuse? No, it did not. Abuse by definition is maltreatment and you were not maltreated. You were told that your perception of a situation and the feelings of frustration that arose from the situation were invalid. That is not maltreatment. That is an opinion, no matter how stridently or aggressively it was delivered and no matter how accurate or inaccurate you felt it to be. It was nothing more than that. Was your character assaulted or criticized? No, rather your behavior and attitude were criticized. It would hardly be possible for Peter to criticize your character with any validity, since, as you have expressed, he does not know you.

You have expressed that you are a sensitive person and yet you seem to be quite ready and willing to publicly criticize the behavior of others, and with great vitriol I might add. I wonder if in your opinion, your public criticism of Peter (and others)contstitutes abuse. I learned, through many years of therapy, that no matter how valid or important I believe my feelings to be, that I am their sole custodian, that it is both folly and a recipe for failure and misery to hold others responsible for them. Seeking validation from others or trying to express the validation of your feelings through the actions of others (as you did when you mentioned that your wife had carefully read all of the responses to your post, and again when you mentioned that many of the respondents to this thread required additional education to recognize verbal abuse) indicates to others that you are unsure of your own opinions and that they must be validated by others. This indicates that you may have an immediate expectation that your own opinions will be dismissed and so you criticize the perceptions and opinions of others and then ask those you have criticized to seek validation of your criticism at the same time. That would be quite a feat if it actually worked. All it does is show others that you know only what you have been told or have read, but that you may not be able to actually understand it or believe it yourself and so, you invalidate your own statements when your intention is the opposite. It also may be a sign that your recovery may not yet have provided you with sufficient emotional maturity to successfully navigate critical discourse with other adults without risking damage to your psyche. I am realtively certain that no one on the BB wants to damage your psyche.

I for one, will never post another response on the BB to any thread in which I find you as a participant. It is apparent that any comments I might make could cause you extreme distress. I hope that you find the recovery that you seek, and I hope we have seen the last of this thread. If you are receiving therapy from a licensed psychotherapist or licensed clinical psychologist, I encourage you to to discuss your reactions to this discussion thread with him/her. I think you may find it to be an instructive conversation.

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WARNING!!!!

Dan

2001-11-14 05:51