 The Clarinet BBoard
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Author: Ken Shaw ★2017
Date: 2016-04-02 05:15
The Buffet Crampton Co. announced nine new clarinet models today. Spokeswoman Lirpa Loof released this statement to the press:
Today, we announce a major change and upgrade in our company.
First, we are splitting into the BUFFET and the CRAMPTON companies. Buffet will keep all its current models, while Crampton will issue nine new models, which are:
The ALPHA MALE. This is designed based on our bass clarinet body, with a bass clarinet diameter and bore. It requires a new mouthpiece based on the standard bass mouthpiece, but even bigger. Sales of the ALPHA MALE will be limited to men only who are also principal clarinetists of major orchestras, or who are candidates for those positions. The ALPHA MALE is more than nine times louder than other models and should probably seated in the trombone section to protect the hearing of other players. The Bb weighs 35 pounds, and the A weighs 40. It will be tuned to A 445, and everybody else HAD BETTER tune up to match.
The POSCA is identical to the Tosca, except that it has the emblem slanted from lower left to upper right, and the metallic ground is red with silver engraving. This alters the sound completely by forcing the airstream to spin counterclockwise rather than clockwise. We are also releasing matching POSCA flutes, oboe and bassoons so that wind players can match their sounds.
The RUNCIBLE has its keys designed in a spoon shape with forklike tines. Nicknamed the “Spork,” this model will play only open G.
The IDJIT has no reed and unmovable keys. The interior electronics handle all the playing chores. The player must only pretend to blow, preferably puffing out his or her cheeks, Dizzy Gillespie style.
The LESTIGE will be identical to the Prestige, except that it is missing one key. The missing key will be different on each clarinet. This model will be sold only to those who have no standing in the clarinet community.
The F0 is a new sub-beginner model. It will be made of cardboard and is designed only to be stored in a closet.
The OVINE is identical to the Divine, except it is made of highly compacted sheep’s wool. This material is as dense as grenadilla, but gives a warmer sound. However, it must be protected from moisture, since it will unravel when wet.
The OOPSKIE has the most complex mechanism ever made. It will open holes and keys at random as you play, covering up all the mistakes you make.
The LOLLALAPOOZA is built into a steam calliope. Unfortunately, the clarinet part will be inaudible due to the steam whistles playing the other parts, but we think it will be a huge success, particularly for people who don’t like their playing to be heard.
ALPHA MALE
POSCA
RUNCIBLE
IDJIT
LESTIGE
F0
OVINE
OOPSKIE
LOLLALAPOOZA
Read them vertically and you can see the future of the Buffet and Crampton companies.
Nek Wahs
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Author: Hank Lehrer
Date: 2016-04-02 14:47
Nek,
You have outdone any of GBK's or Dave Spiegelthal's wonderful limericks with this one. A stunning performance.
Knah
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