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 How to Cook a Conductor
Author: Ken Shaw 
Date:   2002-10-10 17:17

How to Cook a Conductor

Ingredients

One large Conductor, or two small assistant conductors
Ketchup
26 large garlic cloves
Crisco or other solid vegetable shortening (Lard may be used)
1 cask cheap wine
1 lb. alfalfa sprouts
2 lbs. assorted yuppie food, such as tofu or yoghurt
One abused Orchestra

First, catch a Conductor. Remove the tail and horns. Carefully separate the large ego and reserve for sauce. Remove any batons, pencils (on permanent loan from the Principal Second Violin) and long articulations and discard. Remove the hearing aid and discard (it never worked anyway). Examine your conductor carefully - many of them are mostly large intestine. If you have such a Conductor, you will have to discard it and catch another. Clean the Conductor as you would a squid, but do not separate the tentacles from the body. If you have an older Conductor, such as one from a Major Symphony Orchestra or Summer Music Festival, you may wish to tenderize by pounding the Conductor on a rock with timpani mallets or by smashing the Conductor between two large cymbals.

Next, pour 1/2 of the cask of wine into a bath tub and soak the Conductor in the wine for at least 12 hours (exceptions: British, German and some Canadian Conductors have a natural beery taste which some people like and the wine might not marry well with this flavor. Use your judgment). When the Conductor is sufficiently marinated, remove any clothes the Conductor may be wearing and rub it all over with the garlic. Then cover your Conductor with the Crisco. using vague, slow circular motions. Take care to cover every inch of the Conductor's body with the shortening. If this looks like fun, you can cover yourself with Crisco too, removing clothes first.

Next, take your orchestra and put as much music out as the stands will hold without falling over, and make sure that there are lots of really loud passages for everyone, big loud chords for the winds and brass, and lots and lots of tremolos for the strings. (Bruckner might be appropriate). Rehearse these passages several times, making certain that the brass and winds are always playing as loud as they can and the strings are tremolo-ing at their highest speed. This should ensure adequate flames for cooking your Conductor. If not, insist on taking every repeat and be sure to add the second repeats in really large symphonies. Ideally, you should choose your repertoire to have as many repeats as possible, but if you have a piece with no repeats in it at all, just add some, claiming that you have seen the original, and there was an ink blot there that "looked like a repeat" to you and had obviously been missed by every other fool who had looked at this score. If taking all the repeats does not generate sufficient flames, burn the complete set of score and parts to all of the Bruckner symphonies.

When the flames have died down to a medium inferno, place your Conductor on top of your orchestra (they won't mind as they are used to it) until it is well tanned, the hair turns back to its natural color and all of the fat has dripped out. Be careful not to overcook or your Conductor could end up tasting like stuffed ham. Make a sauce by combining the ego, sprouts and ketchup to taste, placing it all in the blender and pureeing until smooth. If the ego is bitter, sweeten with honey to taste. Slice your Conductor as you would any turkey. Serve accompanied by the assorted yuppie food and the remaining wine with the sauce on the side.

WARNING: Due to environmental toxins present in conductor feeding areas, such as heavy metals, oily residue from intensive PR machinery manufacture, and extraordinarily high concentrations of E.coli, cryptosporidium, and other hazardous organisms associated with animal wastes, the Departments for Conductor Decimation (DCD) recommend that the consumption of conductors be limited to one per season. Overconsumption of conductors has been implicated in the epidemiology of a virulent condition known as "Bataan fever." Symptoms of this disorder include swelling of the brain, spasms in the extremities, delusions of competence, auditory hallucinations and excessive longevity.

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 RE: How to Cook a Conductor
Author: David Spiegelthal 
Date:   2002-10-10 19:13

Having a bad conductor day, Ken? {LOL}

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 RE: How to Cook a Conductor
Author: Ken Shaw 
Date:   2002-10-10 19:25

David -

Actually, it's for Melanie, who complained, a couple of items down, about a nasty conductor.

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 RE: How to Cook a Conductor
Author: GBK 
Date:   2002-10-10 19:26

Ken...Can I have permission to slip a copy into our orchestra conductor's score for this evening? ...GBK

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 RE: How to Cook a Conductor
Author: D Dow 
Date:   2002-10-10 20:43

This year in our orchestra we have a different conductor in each concert....hmmmmm.....I'm more in to sirloin steak....but I am keeping the recipe around!!!

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 RE: How to Cook a Conductor
Author: diz 
Date:   2002-10-10 22:36

that's brilliant - if I've learned one thing about being a good conductor - it's to treat the orchestra as equals and not patronise them - also, nothing pissess musicians off more than stopping every 10 bars to fix up problems that will be resolved with familiarity.

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 RE: How to Cook a Conductor
Author: John Kelly - Australia 
Date:   2002-10-10 23:39

Brilliant!

I'm not a classical player, but I know one or two jazz band leaders who could be substitute ingredients in your recipe.

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 RE: How to Cook a Conductor
Author: diz 
Date:   2002-10-11 00:18

Ken Shaw - very insightful Bruckner comment - his over use of tremolo for strings is downright painful to sustain.

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 RE: How to Cook a Conductor
Author: RA 
Date:   2002-10-11 00:51

LOL. That was great! Hm....might have to print that one out for my teacher who is a sub for the Westmoreland Symphony in PA.

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 RE: How to Cook a Conductor
Author: GBK 
Date:   2002-10-11 02:45

The next time someone says clarinetists do not have a keen sense of humor, point them to this particular article - for the author (David Borque) is clarinetist/bass clarinetist with the Toronto Symphony Orchestra...GBK

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 RE: How to Cook a Conductor
Author: Lindsey 
Date:   2002-10-11 02:51

I think my conductor from college needs to reevaluate himself let he end up like this...

Hence, I also should keep this in mind since I strive to conduct later on, not just toot my horn :)

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 RE: How to Cook a Conductor
Author: Mark Charette 
Date:   2002-10-11 11:55

GBK wrote:
>
> > for the author (David Borque) is clarinetist/bass clarinetist
> with the Toronto Symphony Orchestra...GBK

I don't know if David is the author, though he is the popularizer (he uploaded this to an AFM BBoard a long time back ...)

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 RE: How to Cook a Conductor
Author: Ken Shaw 
Date:   2002-10-11 14:24

As Mark says, this has been floating around on the net for several years. I remembered reading it and found it with a Google search on "cook a conductor." I probably should have cited a source, since I didn't write it. I only wish I had written it, since it's one of the great funny rants. (By the way, my nephew goes to Hamilton College, and the President was just forced to resign when he gave a welcoming speech to the students that included something he had found on the net, without citing a source. Political Correctness is getting out of hand.)

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 RE: How to Cook a Conductor
Author: David Pegel 
Date:   2002-10-13 17:56

I'm revising it for a marching band right now.

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 RE: How to Cook a Conductor
Author: TC 
Date:   2002-10-14 18:34

Re: Conductors
Know the difference between an operatic conductor and an infant?
The infant sucks his fingers.

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