 The Clarinet BBoard
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Author: HAT
Date: 2002-09-15 23:44
THE BOOK OF JOBBING PART IV: GOD CREATES SIDEMEN
A newly discovered and translated fragment (c)2000 by Steven G.
Hashimoto
> "And so the great Leader Nebulon did embark upon a search for
> suitable Sidemen for his orchestra, and he could find none; For in
> those days there were not many, and those that he could find were
> already working; Some worked the Ark with the House of Noah, and some
> had the house gig at The Walls of Jericho. And many played behind the
> scat-singing team of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednago.
>
> So Nebulon did return to the Lord and saith, "Lord, there are many
> musicians, but no Sidemen!", and he rent his clothing.
>
> And the Lord did say, "Schmuck! Hast thou looked everywhere? Didst
> thou call the Union?"
>
> And Nebulon did say, "Lord, I have looked high and low, especially
> low, and only one or two could I find. What shall I do?"
>
> And the Lord did afflict Nebulon with boils, saying "Leave me to
> think on this!"
>
> And just to buy some time he did also visit a plague of locusts on
> Egypt. And the Lord did summon a league of Angels, and sent them
> forth over the land, commanding them to find him some Sidemen. And
> the Angels did go to the four corners of the earth, but the only
> unemployed Sideman they could find was one holy man in India who did
> play the horn with the slide.
>
> So with great fear the Angels did return to the Lord with the bad
> news, and filled with wrath he was. "How can this be? At one time the
> world did teem with Sidemen, as a dead oxen does with maggots!"
>
> And the Angels did say, "Lord, many left the business, many have
> become idiots, and some have even become Leaders, and no Leader will
> work for another Leader."
>
> So the Lord did cause drought for 40 days while he thought, and the
> answer came to him. He did recall that there was a factory, part of
> his Beasts Of The Field, Inc., division, that was in disuse. For it
> had been used to create Golems, for which there had been no great
> demand, and so He had closed down the operation. And He thought, We
> can retool, and start turning out Sidemen.
>
> And so it was done, and the Sidemen started rolling off the assembly
> line. But somehow a remnant of the Golem program remained, and the
> Sidemen did come out acting unpredictably.
>
> Some stammered and stuttered, some talked to themselves under their
> breath, and some would not bathe. Some refused to shave their beards
> or to have their hair shorn, and some refused to wear the Jobbing
> Toga.
>
> And some wore the Toga, but left them crumpled in their chariots in
> between Gigs, or slept in them, or wore Togas from eons past, with
> ruffles. And some did not believe in maps, and wandered the land
> aimlessly looking for the Gig, and some did not believe in the use of
> the hourglass, and arrived at the Gig whenever they chose.
>
> And some loved the wine of dates, and some loved the burning of hemp.
> And some were created without ears, and some with knuckles where
> their eyebrows should be. And some did worship the gods Trane, Jaco,
> Mahavishnu and Ornette, and mocked their Leaders.
>
> And some did steal food from the buffet line, yea, even before the
> Guests had dined. And some did try to lay with the Chick Singers, and
> some with the Guests. And some did not Read, and some could only
> Read, and not Blow. And some had no social skills, and some had no
> musical skills. And many of them were Dark, not in pigmentation of
> the skin, but in the Outlook on Life.
>
> But every once in a while the line did produce a Perfect Sideman; One
> who followed orders without question; One who showed up on time; One
> who wore the Toga; One whose chariot always ran; One who Knew Tunes;
> But these Perfect Sidemen were few and far between, and besides their
> eyes were glazed, and they were shunned, for they were Boring, and
> knew not how to Hang.
>
> And soon the land teemed with Sidemen milling about, looking for
> Gigs, complaining and whining and arguing and occasionally stabbing
> each other in the back. And the Lord looked down upon his work, and
> said, "It will do.
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Author: GBK
Date: 2002-09-16 00:54
"...And some loved the wine of dates, and some loved the burning of hemp..."
"... And some did not Read, and some could only Read, and not Blow..."
Hmmm...Sounds like the group I played with this afternoon....GBK
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Author: mike
Date: 2002-09-16 02:58
There are several other, equally funny, parts of this. Check out the Chicago jazz archives web page: http://www.lib.uchicago.edu/e/su/cja/hash.html
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Author: Lawrence
Date: 2002-09-16 03:09
So the only guy with no gig played trombone. Some things never change.
Lawrence
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Author: dc
Date: 2002-09-16 03:53
" And some did steal food from the buffet line "
hmmmmmmm.....
was this at the buffet luncheon at the Buffet company cafeteria in Paris, France ??
thank you for sharing !!!
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Author: JMcAulay
Date: 2002-09-16 05:17
Hey, Lawrence: Wish I knew a good trad sliphorn artist around here. (N of L. A.) Cornet, too.
Regards,
John
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Author: Ken Shaw
Date: 2002-09-17 14:49
David -
Great stuff. As Mike says, the other chapters are equally funny. My wife and I were chuckling and pointing out things to each other all evening. Keep up the good work.
Best regards.
Ken Shaw
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Author: Lawrence
Date: 2002-09-18 23:22
John,
Spend some time at www.trombone.org
You can search their roster or place a post. Could find what you're looking for.
Lawrence
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