 The Clarinet BBoard
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Author: ?
Date: 2002-07-29 03:28
Don't let your relationship with your teacher get out of hand! This is a true story that I thought might help someone in a situation like I was in:
I am 14. I had had a crush beyond a crush on my teacher for about two years. I was always very close to him- I confided in him a lot-more than I did my parents a lot. But about 3 monthes ago, he found out. He confonted me with a story about his long lost love, trying to tell me that he understood. (Oh, by the way, he's married, more than twice my age, and his wife is pregnant) I walked out of that room that day in hyserics. And to make a long painful story short, We've talked a lot..I've cried a lot...He's cried...We've both written poems about the situation...listened to so much Genesis that it's almost unbelievable..and finally, I'm starting to feel better..but it still hurts very much..So, if you've made it reading this far, take this advice, get help before you're in too deep- talk to a parent, close friend, relative, counsler, teacher, someone you TRUST! Stop seeing the "crush" so often-limit your visits!! I think if I had done that sooner than I would never have gotten so hurt. Just please, GET HELP!!!
Thank you for letting me vent....
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Author: Snoink
Date: 2002-07-29 04:58
Ouchie. That must hurt. Just don't quit the clarinet forever just because of that one experience. Fortunately it sounds like everything is going to turn out OK sooner or later. Thanks for the warning and advice. Hope everything turns out OK.
Another 14-year old,
Snoink
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Author: HAT
Date: 2002-07-29 12:45
Hey "?"
I feel for you. You're lucky that your teacher is a mensch and didn't take advantage of you. That crap happens out there.
The rest you'll get over. . .eventually.
David Hattner, NYC
www.northbranchrecords.com
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Author: David Spiegelthal
Date: 2002-07-29 14:31
Recently a high school band director in the county where my workplace is, lost his job for having an affair with a student --- this band director was married, had a couple of small children, and was highly regarded by his students, their parents, and other band directors. Apparently he was not a 'mensch' and let the situation get out of hand -- now his career and possibly his family life are ruined, and the student with which he had the relationship may carry emotional scars, and the integrity of the profession has taken a hit. The bottom line is that adults in situations like these must say NO, even if it's painful for both parties.
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Author: Mitch A
Date: 2002-07-29 15:08
"?" is 14 and she can write with this kind of depth and understanding of a bad situation??? I think we're being trolled here.
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Author: ?
Date: 2002-07-29 16:28
I have never used "?" as my identity before until now. I did not want to disclose the name I usually use in this board which is Bea Starr. I'm sorry for the confusion this may have caused. Yes, I really am 14 and everything that I wrote about really happened to me. If you don't believe me, then that's your problem but I am telling the truth!!! Thank you for the responces. And Mark, if you feel the need to get rid of this topic, then please do so.
I'm sorry about the problems I may have caused.
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Author: ?
Date: 2002-07-29 16:30
Oh. Mark, I just looked at the other topic- the teachers one. I have changed since I replied to that one, but he has probaly helped me more than he's hurt me.
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Author: William
Date: 2002-07-29 17:20
Adult teachers who work with children have an almost sacred responsiblilty for being the best role models they can be, offering advice, leadership and compassion while always maintaining "that distance." Some, unfortunately, let the "line" fade, or disappear altogether. These teachers who have not yet matured, need to find the emotional means to GROW UP or discover an alternative profession, away from young people. You're 14 yr old words of advice are "right on." Good luck.
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Author: nzdonald
Date: 2002-07-29 20:50
i could write about this for hours- i have been involved in a related situation as the "big brother/best friend".... i really have very strong opinions on this, it is in some ways a very complicated situation- but in one way it is NOT complicated. WILLIAM has mentioned the way in which it is NOT complicated....
the teacher is a ROLE MODEL, and some teachers have "NOT YET MATURED". The thing is, these teachers who get into these situations (often multiple times over the years) usually feel good being in a "relationship" where they are the ROLE MODEL, instead of being in a relationship where they are with an EQUAL PARTNER. um, i think it's called "insecurity" and it's not actually a disease, but sometimes the mess it causes feels like it!!!!!
a problem is that younger people don't want to feel patronised, and teachers want to be liked- so maintaining a situation where you have an established RESPONSIBILITY over someone can become more difficult as the student gets older. Maybe there is a point at which a relationship could develop, at what age? 16, 18, 20? is it suddenly ok when the student leaves school- because now it is legal?
it sounds like the situation described in this thread is not so sinister, and while it's obviously painful for those involved, it seems to have been dealt with well and with the minimum of deceit (that being the thing most hard to forgive and overcome).
chin up, you'll be ok
donald
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Author: Richard
Date: 2002-07-29 22:35
I just thought I'd say your nor on your own. My friend had a massive, lasting crush on her piano teacher, and although she never told him they became really close friends and the situation sometimes got uncomfortable for them both.He's in his 40s, she was 15 at the time. Me and my piano teacher also spend all my piano lessons telling each other about our lives (partly because i don't practise much)and we've found we have loads in common. He's actually become a really close friend, and like you I tell him a load of stuff I wouldn't tell my parents. We're not in love I guess, but we joke that we are sometimes. My mum'd probably be furious if she knew what she was paying for my lessons for!
Richard
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Author: Gordon (NZ)
Date: 2002-07-30 01:09
An extreme case of teacher-student relationship gone wrong, with each seeking to fulfil their own needs, is represented in the rather controversial film "The Piano Teacher" Not for young eyes though!
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Author: jbutler
Date: 2002-07-30 02:18
Excuse me, but she had the crush...not him, right? Being married, having children, and wife currently pregnant.....what was she hoping for....escpecially at 14! I can't fault the teacher here..grow up and get past it.
jbutler
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Author: Willie
Date: 2002-07-30 03:44
I make it a point now to have a parent of the child present now if I have to go give a lesson or make a quick "house call repair". With todays society, its the safe way to go.
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Author: Mark Charette
Date: 2002-07-30 11:56
Willie wrote:
>
> With todays society, its the safe way to
> go.
It's been the safe way long before today's society. It just used to be teachers or others in authority were not prosecuted.
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Author: Meri
Date: 2002-07-30 20:34
What you are going through is probably not a crush on your teacher, but a transformation on the relationship that you have with him. It is unfortunate that you see the opportunity to deepen the relationship with your teacher as an advance on you, when the signs point otherwise, considering how open he is with you about his personal life. The fact that you know that he talks about his interests, his family and that you know his wife and that you can comfortably talk to him about your personal life should tell you that he truly cares about people. How long have you been with your teacher? Have you felt that both you and your teacher always or almost always give your best at lessons? Do you find that the teacher/student relationship is enhanced or diminished by the fact that you and your teacher know each other on a more personal level? In many cases, I think it enhances the teacher/student relationship: when students see their teacher as an ally, they are more willing to do what is asked by the teacher, and not have discipline problems, with the result that students make better progress. When students see their teachers as adversaries, they are not as willing to do what is asked of them, and discipline issues arise. Such a transformation is natural when a student and teacher have been with each other for at least several months and have given each other their best at lessons. And it is normal to feel the suffering of someone you deeply care about. It sounds like he certainly did not mean to make you angry, some people like to reveal a more human side of themselves.
As for writing the poetry, it may be the most comfortable for both of you to express your feelings to each other, especially if you know that both of you have been writing poetry before you knew each other. If, however, you are not comfortable with the idea of writing poetry to each other, then say that to your teacher. If he cares, he will understand that you are not that conmfortable with it. The same goes for whenever he says or does something that makes you feel uncomfortable. If he's smart, he won't repeat his mistakes.
So, use common sense. Appreciate that your teacher deeply cares about you, and is very open and honest with you. There are very few people like that, consider yourself one of the lucky ones. You may just have a friend for life. Do not let fear of the potentially bad things prevent you from experiencing the joy of a potentially powerful, positive relationship.
Meri
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Author: nzdonald
Date: 2002-07-31 00:11
the teachers who DO form "illicit" or "un-well" relationships with students/ex students usually DO care deeply about their new, younger partner. They imagine that they are in fact doing what is good for the student. They often CAN'T see how their relationship has the potential to hijack normal/healthy socialisation and dominate the development of a younger person.
i know, someone somewhere has to decide what "normal/healthy" is, and will probably decide that "normal" should be different for every different person. Unfortunately, the younger student, impressed and flattered is no better at making this decision than the older teacher- also often flattered and intoxicated with the fabulous feeling that comes from being central to someone elses life.
again- this probably doesn't apply to the relationship described in the original thread. i know a teacher who has been in this situation multiple times in the last few years with students both under and over "age". That he continues to have a career is largely due to others wanting to "wash their hands" of the whole situation and let it rest.
donald
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Author: jbutler
Date: 2002-07-31 00:58
nzdonald,
It goes the other way also. I have rather strong concerns on this subject. I have a very dear friend who was "accused" of have relations with a freshmen female. She told her "Sunday school teacher" who just happened to be a district attorney that the teacher had sexually assualted her. He spent two years doing almost nothing but defending himself. His first trial ended in a "mistrial" and during the second the young (loosely) lady finally recanted and admitted that it was all made up. He succesfully countersuited and won compensatory damages as well as court costs.
A band director aquaintance of mine was accused of sexual assault by a young lady in his band. He lost his job and his wife before he was cleared of the charges. (Once again, the young lady finally "confessed".) He had to leave the area to find employment. It took a long time for him to get his "reputation" back. Unfortunately, our society is quick to "judge and convict" before the truth is revealed. Yes, there are times when the accused is guitly as charged and must be dealt with accordingly.
jbutler
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