 The Clarinet BBoard
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Author: bob gardner
Date: 2002-02-26 04:36
i will be in the local variety show in about a week and i will play a couple of AW Weber pieces and i would like to have a couple of CLEAN clarinet jokes.
Thanks
Keep laughing.
Come to the show and you can laugh along with me as I play. maybe I'll take up singing.
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Author: diz
Date: 2002-02-26 04:43
Q. what's the difference between an e flat clarinet and a contrabass clarinet?
A. the e flat only takes about 10 minutes to burn.
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Author: diz
Date: 2002-02-26 04:44
Bob - will you be doing a Texas-two-step and simultaneously play the clarinet?
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Author: GBK
Date: 2002-02-26 05:52
An oboist noticed at the end of each rehearsal break, one of the clarinetists would look at the inside flap of his jacket before he sat down to resume rehearsal. This continued for several years, and the oboist became quite curious about it. One day, during hot weather, the clarinetist took off his jacket and went off on break. The oboist waited until everyone was off the platform, looked around, and sneaked over to the jacket. He pulled back the flap and saw a little note pinned on the inside. It read: "left hand top, right hand bottom."
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Author: Elenna
Date: 2002-02-26 08:36
What's the definition of perfect pitch?
Throwing the Eb clarinet at the bin and not missing. ;-)
*running for the door now!*
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Author: GBK
Date: 2002-02-26 08:51
What do an Eb clarinet and a lawyer have in common?
Everyone is relieved when the case is closed...GBK (goes back to cave to hide)
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Author: Stephane
Date: 2002-02-26 09:01
How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one.
How do you get two clarinets to play in unison?
Shoot one.
What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad clarinetist?
A bad clarinetist can kill you.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the clarinet recital.
The soprano, not being smart enough to use birth control, says to her clarinetist lover, "Honey, I think you better pull out now."
He replies, "Why? Am I sharp?"
"The clarinet is a musical instrument the only thing worse than which is two."
-- The Devil's Dictionary, by Ambrose Bierce
MUSIC GLOSSARY:
subito piano: indicates an opportunity for some obscure orchestra clarinetist to become a soloist.
vibrato: used by clarinetists to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.
cadence: when everybody hopes you're going to stop, but you don't
ritard: there's one in every family.
repeat: what you do until they just expel you.
portamento: a foreign country you've always wanted to see.
tempo: good choice for a used car.
A 440: the highway that runs around Nashville.
clarinet: name used on your second daughter if you've already used Betty Jo.
staccato: how you did all the ceilings in your mobile home.
interval: how long it takes to find the right note. There are three kinds:
1- Major interval: a long time.
2- Minor interval: a few bars.
3- Inverted interval: when you have to go back a bar and try again.
Most of those jokes (some of them re-arranged for the clarinet) can be found at:
http://www.mit.edu/~jcb/jokes/#clarinet
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Author: jez
Date: 2002-02-26 13:19
Overheard at the end of a performance of Weber concertino.
"Oooh I do like Andrew Lloyd Weber"
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Author: bob gardner
Date: 2002-02-26 14:20
A clarinetist, sick of all the clarinet jokes, decides to change his instrument. After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music store and says to the owner, "I'd like to look at the accordions, please."
The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says "All our accordions are over there."
After browsing, the clarinetist says, "I think I'd like the big red one in the corner."
The storeowner looks at him and says, "You're a clarinetist, aren't you?"
The clarinetist, crestfallen, says, "How did you know?"
The store owner says, "That `big red accordion' is the radiator."
found this on the www
thanks
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Author: jez
Date: 2002-02-26 15:02
What's the difference between a B flat and an E flat that have been run over by a car?
The B flat has skid marks in front of it.
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Author: Betsy
Date: 2002-02-26 15:53
Did you hear the one about the guy who bought his wife a piano for her birthday? Two weeks later he returned it and bought her a clarinet instead. When she asked him why did he do this, he remarked, "You can't sing with a clarinet in your mouth."
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Author: ~ jerry
Date: 2002-02-26 17:25
What's the diference between an onion and a clarinet?
Not much.........they can both make you cry.
~ jerry
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Author: sarah
Date: 2002-02-26 21:34
How do you improve the aerodynamics of a clarinetist's car?
Remove the pizza delivery sign.
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Author: JMcAulay
Date: 2002-02-26 22:25
The clarinetistwas getting more and more tired of the razzing from other instrumentalists, especially a trombone player who was almost constantly giving him a bad time. One day, it got to him so deeply he decided to retaliate. In a ratrher large crowd of colleagues who were all snickering at the lack of intelligence of clarinetists, he turned to the trombone-playing ringleader and asked: "How do you tell the difference between a male clarinetist and a female clarinetist?"
The trombone player smirked and replied, "I don't know. Why don't you tell us?"
The clarinetist shook his head, saying, "Oh, my... and you think clarinet players are stupid."
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Author: David Pegel
Date: 2002-02-27 03:31
What's the pitch of a Bb contrabass clarinet?
20 yards if you have a good arm.
Alto Clarinet- Woodwind instrument capable of playing any note beautifully as long as that's note is middle C.
An absent-minded director wants turned to the clarinet section and saw second chair doubling on Eb. He went into hysterics. The girl asked what was wrong, and he replied, "I should have told you when you clean your clarinet, not to wash it in hot water!!"
Okay, sutting up now.
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Author: diz
Date: 2002-02-27 04:34
LOL @ David Pegel - very cute (your joke that is!)
diz (male) sydney (australia)
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Author: Donn
Date: 2002-02-27 15:14
Two clarinetists walking down the street. A truck hits a manhole cover behind them which falls to the pavement with a loud clang.
One exclaims "What was that?" The other: "Ab".
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Author: Ed
Date: 2002-02-27 16:32
In a bar one day there were two guys sitting and one asks the other "What's your IQ?" The second says 150, the first says "Hey, mine is 155!" They then go on to talk about nuclear physics, rocket science, etc.
Further down the bar, the same question is posed and these two guys find that they are both around 100. They go on to talk sports, power tools, etc.
At the end of the bar there are two dejected looking souls. One says to the other "what is your IQ?" The reply: "50" The first guy says "yeah, me too, what kind of reed do you use?"
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Author: David Pegel
Date: 2002-02-27 16:36
Wait, here's more...
What difference between (box of reeds or clarinet that you hate) and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.
What difference between (box of reeds that you hate) and an onion?
Nobody cries when you cut up the box of reeds.
What did the contrabass clarinetist get on his ACT's?
Drool.
What do you call 100 Eb Clarinets buried to their mouthpeices in sand?
Not enough sand.
What do you call 100 Alto Clarinets at the bottom of the ocean?
Good start.
During a rehearsal for an oboe concerto, the solo oboist suddenly swallowed his reed. He started squeaking around suddenly and was very close to choking.
The conductor, not being too bright, had no clue what to do about this, so he asked if anyone knew what to do? The clarinet answered, "That's easy. Have a muted trumpet play the solo."
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Author: Todd W.
Date: 2002-02-27 16:44
jerry --
OR . . . What's the difference between an onion and a clarinet?
No one cries when you chop up a clarinet.
bob gardner --
I like the radiator joke. I laugh again every time I hear it; it's just so silly.
GBK --
Love the LH/RH joke (and nicely told).
When I scour the Internet for musician jokes, I find it interesting that the vast majority are put downs (usually of others; here we're doing it to ourselves). And they're interchangeable; just pick your victim instrument. We've got the "[Fill in the blank] players are so dumb that . . ." type. And the "[Fill in the blank] players are such poor musicians that . . ." type. And the "[Fill in the instrument] is so terrible sounding/difficult to play that . . ." type.
Yes, individually they produce a quick, cheap laugh, but cumulatively I find them depressing. I'm not sure why there is such a preponderance of derogatory jokes among musicians. Perhaps it's the same with all professions and is a way of venting the inevitable frustrations of trying to master a complex subject. Or maybe they defuse in a generic way the (also inevitable) tensions that arise in music groups struggling to achieve the level of rapport and cohesiveness that produces one large "instrument" out of many individual ones.
Oh well, have you heard the one about the clarinetist who . . .
Todd W.
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Author: Meri
Date: 2002-02-27 21:01
What's an Eb clarinet good for?
Torturing an egoistical first clarinet (and the rest of the band or orchestra)
Why were clarinets invented?
For one of three reasons. To make an oboe that looks good, to mess up
someone's fingers, or so there would be someone to steal reeds from.
Why do clarinetists place their cases on the dashboard?
So they can park in handicapped spaces.
How many clarinetists does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to put in the light bulb and the other three to say that they can do it
faster.
or
One, but they'll spend two hours tinkering with it. That, or they'll go through a
whole box until they find the perfect one.
Meri
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