 The Clarinet BBoard
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Author: Josh Schultze
Date: 2002-01-08 15:48
Hi all.
I was wondering how many people have been actively discouraged from playing music in general or the clarinet in particular.
I remember the disapproving reaction three years ago when I told my mother and her musical friend, both of them play the piano, that I was thinking of playing the clarinet. One comment was: "why would you want to play the clarinet when you have such a wonderful piano at home?" In a serious tone my mother said: "Oh no I'm not sure I can deal with yet another music student learning scales." Her attitude was not, "Great, then we can play duets together," but how my efforts would inconvenience her. Please note that I have bought my clarinet, supplies and private lessons with money that I've been earning at my after school job. Last christmas was the first time she bought me any clarinet related goods: a box of V12's.
During the three years that I have studied I have progressed very far. My techer and fellow band members have really helped me move ahead very quickly. Yet when I have to practice my mother will say things like: "Can't you do that later? You're obsessed! Do you play those high tones to irritate me?"
Of course I take great pains to practice when she is not around. I find out what her schedule for the week is and any evening she will be out, I practice. But this leads to sporadic practice times. Sometimes I have to fit in a practice session, especially on the weekends. That's when all Hell breaks loose.
There were times, early in my career when I asked her to play duets. I knew she was in deep pain. Her insistance on "getting though this piece" with no repeats said it all said it all. As recently as three months ago I asked her if she wanted to play duets and her response was, "Oh, I just want to relax tonight." And I can forget asking her about music theory. Her response is often, "what you don't know what a dimished chord is?" "You mean to tell me you don't know what the difference between the melodic minor and the harmonic minor is? or when I ask for help on working through a complicated rhythm she responds, "don't think, it's simple."
So what happens is that many of my friends and teachers say to me "wow you've progressed so far in such a short time. You're lucky to have a musician as a parent." I just think of how much parental gravity I have to push against every day. And when my teachers comment to her on what an excellent player I've become, her response is, "Oh I know, we work very hard at it."
So, in addition to all the challenges that any clarinetist has to overcome inorder to improve, I often feel like I'm meeting resistance on the Home Front as well.
As clarinetists we often have to overcome many obstacles inorder to improve. Let's hear your stories.
Take care,
Josh
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Author: the clarinator
Date: 2002-01-08 16:47
You're not alone...my wife and daughter both hate my clarinet playing...and I have to wait til they're gone to get it out...and hurriedly put it back when they pull in the driveway...I'm lucky if I get two hours a week in.....
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Author: Don Poulsen
Date: 2002-01-08 18:14
Sorry to hear that your mother is not more encouraging and helpful. Could it be that she is using reverse psychology? If, for example, we push our daughter to practice the piano, she is likely to protest and not want to do it.
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Author: Ginny
Date: 2002-01-08 18:31
Hmm, family troubles... our moms can hurt us, because they mean so much to us. If she is not using 'reverse psychology' (very manipulative, IMHO), I assume clarinet is not the only problem at home. Is your dad supportive? I would encourage you to seek help, your school or church may be able to provide you with some. Chin up, you'll be your own man soon, though in the teen years this seems like forever.
I have always had the view that any interest (any moral, legal interest that is) should to be encouraged in kids.
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Author: Josh Schultze
Date: 2002-01-08 18:50
Don,
To answer your question about reverse psychology; I don't think that is the issue because she often laments on how difficult it was for her as a child because her parents, my grandparents, did nothing to support her musical endavours. So I really think it's difficult for her to be supportive.
Ginny,
My father lives in the midwest and I see him seldom. I do spend alot of time after hours at school and sometimes on weekends and get lots of support from my classmates and teachers.
Perhaps because of my situation I'm always curious as to the sorts of obstacles music students have to overcome that are in addition to the obvious ones inherent in learning any instrument.
Take care all,
Josh
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Author: GBK
Date: 2002-01-08 19:07
Josh...Of all the young people that post on this board, I must say you are probably the most articulate and well written that we have seen in many years. I know we are not here to critique grammar and the general use of English, but the clarity of your thoughts, and your expressive style is not to be overlooked.
What this all points to, is the fact that you must be a very bright individual who will have no trouble seeing through the 2 emotions which are coming into play in this scenario: jealousy and resentment.
Without trying to be an "armchair psychiatrist" the best advice is to follow your intuition and rise above it all. It would seem that your mother has bigger issues than just your clarinet study.
Once college begins, most of this will fade away into the distance, and perhaps your mom will see that her verbal negativity was for naught. Not all parents perfect. They too, need a little guidance from time to time...GBK
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Author: Bill
Date: 2002-01-08 20:06
Josh,
Perhaps you should look for an alternate place to practice. I am both a violinist and a clarinetist. I did not have a parent that discouraged my music, but I had (have) five brothers and a sister. Some of them dabbled in music, but most did not understand my desire to practice hours a day on two separate instruments. (There is just something about the violin practice that wears on some people’s nerves.) My brothers were always running to my mother claiming that they could not concentrate on their homework while I was practicing.
I mentioned this to my band director at school, and he was more than happy to let me use a school practice room from 3:00 to 5:00 each day. This was not enough for both instruments, but it sure took the pressure off at home. Perhaps you have already done this, but I would suggest that you ask your teachers and fellow band members for advice on possible solutions to the problem.
Also, always look for ways to make the time that you do practice more efficient. This is a life-long challenge for all of us.
As for you mother, it seems odd that she would be a musician herself and not understand your dedication to your selected instrument. You might try buying her some CDs with sonatas for clarinet and piano, etc. Also, why not make a serious effort to study piano along with your clarinet. Piano skills are incredibly valuable for all musicians. In college I definitely benefited from having had piano, and wished that I had continued those piano lesson when I was young.
Also, try to remember that we parents are not perfect. I wish I could say that I was the perfect father for my sons, but every so often I catch myself reacting to their behavior in unreasonable ways. This is just life, I think. They probably think that I am crazy for not letting them buy BB guns, play organized football, watch tv endlessly, etc. Even If they don't understand my decisions, I do have their best interests at heart. I'm sure your mother has you best interests at heart, too.
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Author: Danette
Date: 2002-01-08 20:35
To add to this wonderful advice:
I do understand how discouraging parents can be. My parents were supportive and even a little pushy while I was in High School, but in the past several years have become very negative under the guise of "being realistic" or "we want the best for you" (This is in all aspects of my life, not just clarinet)
Josh, some of us are fighting an uphill battle. Hang in there and follow some of the advice above.
To the parents out there, PLEASE be careful what you say and more importantly HOW you say it. Try and think how you would feel if your parents said that to you. And for the record, it applies to all parents, whether your child is 5 or 55.
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Author: anna
Date: 2002-01-08 20:38
besides with music, is your relationship with your mom okay?
if yes, then maybe you can show everything written above to her. you should talk to her more. let her know that she is hurting you. (sometimes, parents hurt children without even knowing it, eg. my parents)
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Author: diz
Date: 2002-01-08 21:02
Josh - I started out as a clarinetist (still play) then changed to viola. My father was supportive (as was my mother). However, both were completely "tone deaf" and unmusical - so I was "left to my own devices". I used to practice in a little room on the side of the house, and would often stay back after school to practice in the school's music studios.
Your musical ability is a gift (being an athiest I can't say from god, but many would) and once discovered, there's no stopping it! I was lucky and could get away with minimal practice time (was always good at sight reading), nevertheless I would play for hours on end, on the weekends and a couple of hours per night, during the evenings.
I had to juggle viola and clarinet and eventually decided to focus my efforts on the viola - as there were roughly 8 times as many "jobs" in professional orchestras for viola as opposed to clarinet positions. I admire professional musicans (I'm now an marketing) and often think that the enjoyment they get from their work is priceless - afterall, orchestral or professional musicians rarely earn high salaries (certainly not in Australia).
Keep up the good work and enjoy your music, it's great, isn't it?
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Author: Peter
Date: 2002-01-08 21:21
Josh,
Ditto to GBK's comments. I'm sorry about your mother's atttitude and congratulate you on your taking it so rationally and so well.
There are things that parents can't bring themselves to do with their children, and vice-versa, for no apparently good reason whatsoever. IT seems to just be a part of life.
If she won't help you, then so be it, but, in my opinion, she is leaving herself open to ill feelings on your part sometime in the future. I hope you will deal with those feelings as well as you seem to be dealing with these now.
Hope it doesn't happen, but it's usually much later in life that children, even subconsciously, come to realize, and be affected by, the things their parents did “to” them as they were growing up. An unfortunate fact of life.
Don’t be discouraged, as others mentioned, us parents are far from infallible and quite often we don’t realize, as we are doing it, exactly how it is that we are hurting our children. As has been happening to you with this clarinet thing.
Perhaps we humans animals reflect things that hurt us. Instead of having learned the lesson, absorbing it, and striving to keep the same type of hurt from being passed on to our children, we can’t seem to help but to pass it on as a reflection of what was done to us. It’s bizarre.
Buck up. You are not alone and, judging from the intelligent way in which you speak of your predicament, you’ll make it if you want to. I’m sure most of us are rooting for you and, I for one, won’t be surprised if we should eventually see your name somehow professionally associated with music.
Bill’s advise is very valid. Find yourself a place where you can go practice without any ill feelings or interruptions from others, someone mentioned a quiet time of day in a church in a recent thread.
Clarinator: With the utmost respect to you and your family, if you are a grown man and have that drastic a situation in your own home, in regards to playing your clarinet, you’ve got a real problem and it has nothing at all to do with the clarinet!
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Author: joseph o'kelly
Date: 2002-01-09 00:43
Your mom probably understands the struggles a professional musician faces. It is not as easy life as many parents would like to see their children face. I have a freind who is a fanominal trumpet player, his parents did not want him to become a music major but rather a dactor or lawyer. I don't know your goals or weather you wish to be a pro or not but i really think you should talk to your mom about it.
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Author: joseph o'kelly
Date: 2002-01-09 00:44
pardon my gramatical and spelling errors
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Author: ClairGirl
Date: 2002-01-09 04:46
Well, I don't know if this would work in your case, but I gave my mom one of my older clarinets so she could learn to play! Her "carreer goal" is to be in the community band! They do concerts year round. Now, since i'm in college, we have something in common to talk about and I can try to help her work through her playing problems when i'm home on breaks.
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Author: Josh Schultze
Date: 2002-01-09 15:30
Joseph,
I don't think my mother is steering me away because she knows well my desire to become a physician. I just happen to love making music in general and the clarinet in particular.
Diz,
I do agree that I have some facility for music but I would attribute my success with hard work an perseverance rather than a gift. I don't watch much TV; I get so impatient by the time I see for the third time in thirty minutes that same commercial for Quick Chop that shut off the TV no matter how interesting the show is. Also I don't play video games. Both of these leisure time activities really eat up time. I have friends that can spend hours doing both! And then they complain that they don't have enough time for practicing their long tones! By not having an interest in either of these popular activities, I can focus on improving my musicianship. And believe me, after homework, a part-time job at an ice cream parlour, and practicing clarinet there really is very little left.
Thanks for all the support. Aside from all the priceless clarinet advice this forum offers a wonderful sense of community.
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Author: willie
Date: 2002-01-10 01:47
I've seen several cases here where kids weren't allowed to practice at home simply because they didn't want to hear it. A couple kids did come up with some engenious ways to cut down on the sound and therefore practice, buy most don't. I've also sen several cases where the parents (mostly dads) told their kids (mostly the boys) to quit band as "they didn't want no band sissies in the house". Parental support in this community is worse than poor, its sad. But, on the brighter side, there are some kids who stick out and try hard. My hats off to 'em and I try to help them whenever I can. Needless to say, the band at our school is small and getting smaller. Only about 5% of the kids that start out in beginners band are still in band by thier senior year. So.... if your parents support you in any way, be grateful for it.
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Author: Hiroshi
Date: 2002-01-10 03:15
Your mother's response is quite understandable.
1)Piano is the king of musical instrument. Violin is the queen.
2)Piano and violin can emit multiple tones. Clarinet cannot.
So, if a person can play a multiple tones instrument, an ordinary response would be to despise a single tone instrument.
But the famaous Celist Pablo Casalus(spell?) played flute at his spare time. He liked its single tonality. Single tonality instruments should be played with quite intensity or concentricity, he understood that. If this is talked about with your mother, she may change her opinion. But what you plays by clarinet speaks everything. If your playing is beautiful to all audiences, they do not complain.
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Author: Kim L.
Date: 2002-01-10 03:15
Sometimes it's not always the parents' fault but the teachers'. It's unfortunate to see some locales in the world with small music programs because of poor teachers. I grew up in a town like that. However, that town is doing far better. In '96-'99 there were 190 band members. Now, there are 500. I'm pleased. Things don't always stay bad.
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Author: Mark Charette
Date: 2002-01-10 03:17
Hiroshi wrote:
>
> Your mother's response is quite understandable.
> 1)Piano is the king of musical instrument. Violin is the queen.
and organ is the emperor ...
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