 The Clarinet BBoard
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Author: Help
Date: 2001-10-15 04:54
I had a very close friendship with my (now former) clarinet teacher for about three years. Actually she was more like a mentor to me. But then she wanted to end our relationship, which I agreed to. My question is, is it normal for me to still miss her and feel depressed even though it has been almost a year since we have seen each other? I have tried to reconnect with her a few times over the last months, but she does not want to, at least, that is what I gather. Has anyone else been close to their teacher and had problems? I just was wondering, because I seem to be having a hard time accepting that I can’t talk to her anymore. A lot of the time I have a hard time practicing because I associate clarinet with her, and it makes me depressed. I would see a shrink but I don’t have insurance or spare money. Can anyone offer any advice?
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Author: dylan
Date: 2001-10-15 06:14
I have a great relationship with my teacher and has been like a mentor to me. I'm not sure but maybe you felt a closeness because she was teaching you something that you loved to do and than you had a great respect for that. For whatever the reason things move on and they change. I say once you are past high school it should be more on a professional level with some level of kindness ect. I would just say let whatever it was go, you have gotten what you have needed from that person and look on to new things.
Goodluck
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Author: Gordon (NZ)
Date: 2001-10-15 10:44
There are plenty more things you will have to get over in your life.
By all means acknowledge and accept your feelings.
Treasure that time that was as a gem in your life.
Life's gems often have time spans. Then they become gem memories.
Move on and find more gems. Many of them will become memory gems too. That is life.
A rich life has thousands of gems, and is rich uindeed.
Life is too short to spend time nurturing upset and diappointment.
Let these go or they will taint the memory gem.
Watch out for those little sparkles that can become new gems.
Be a warm fuzzy.
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Author: Tam Ngo
Date: 2001-10-15 21:36
This isn't very helpful, but it's interesting. I've been waiting for an opportunity to tell someone this.
in china, before the communists, sexual/love (whatever you wanna call it) relationships between teachers and students was considered disgusting. It was just like incest. People used to be stoned to death. it was worse than premarital sex.
you see in in historical movies all the time.
Of course this doesn't really relate to you in any way. If you miss her, then contact her and let you know how you feel! (preferably by e-mail if you are embarrassed)
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Author: Help
Date: 2001-10-16 05:54
Oh my goodness we weren't THAT close!!! GEEZ!!!!
:P
yucky
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Author: susannah
Date: 2001-10-16 10:18
what do you mean, "she wanted to end our relationship". This seems to suggest musch more than a normal teacher/student relationship. The circumstances around this "ending relationship" are quite important, like if she just stopped teaching or didn't have time for so many students or something then I think you are overreacting a little. On the other hand if she consiously decided to stop teaching YOU then you have more to worry/be sad about.
Could it be possible that to escape the hurt of feeling 'rejected' you are making this relationship a little more 'serious' than it really was?
Anyway, sorry for analyzing it and everything, and when we don't know the full details anyway its probably useless. A year is probably a bit too long to still be pining over a teacher, on the otherhand, if it was a romantic relationship then theres reason for you so be sad.
I think first of all you have to figure some things out for your self, for example whether it was really just a teacher attachment or whether there was some love in there. It sounds like you are confused, and I think it would definately be best if you knew what you were feeling before you tried to contact her.
Good Luck
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Author: Peter
Date: 2001-10-16 16:10
If it wasn't a love/sexual relationship, then perhaps you have either mis-stated it or implied the wrong things. As apparently with some others, when I read your post, I too, thought that's exactly what it was about.
I knew teachers (and others) I missed a lot in subsequent years. I don't necessarily mean sexually, although with some of the female ones it could have been.
Either way, I did feel some form of love for them. Some were women, some men, some professional teachers some not.
(Miss Carr was old enough to be my grandmother when she taught me in fifth grade and I am 50 y/o now. Benny was a very old (in age) friend of the family with whom I played 500 Rummy for hours at a time, several times a week, when I was 12 y/o. Miss Sara, my Spanish piano teacher when I was six to nine y/o.)
Imagine that when I was growing up, there were many old timers (both sexes) still around who remembered the world before we had all the "new-fangled" conveniences of the 50's and up, and enjoyed telling all that history! (Imagine life without computers, calculators, ball-point pens, adhesive tape? How about air conditining in the summer, running water any time, and heated, indoor toilets in the winter?)
I remember these people fondly and, although I got a lot from them, I wish I had known how to get even more out of our "relationships" at the time.
These were people I would have liked to learn more from, spend more time with, talked with more, on a general, practical level, if not academically. These were adults with whom I could have very interesting and productive conversations, which were both, educational and enjoyable.
We won't even get into very close friends my own age who have dropped out, for whatever reasons, throughout the years.
These events can be very impressionable to a young person, however, these things happen and you can't allow yourself to become obsessed by them.
Be prepared to probably remember that lady all your life, and to feel a sad, empty spot in the core of your being whenever you think of her. But things happen for reasons you can't fathom today.
My children have had such feelings for some people in their lives as well, and my having experienced them long before them, has helped me to understand, and to help them understand. (Including a most excellent, particularly loved science teacher who died very young, of a heart attack, in his sleep.)
In the words of Khalil Gibran in "The Profet," "...for how could you know the height of your joy without knowing the depth of your sorrow?"
Don't despair. Perhaps when you are 50 y/o you'll be able to understand this better. Until then, just hang in there and be glad you have such feelings and emotions, they are what experiencing life is all about.
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Author: Help
Date: 2001-10-16 20:59
Okay guys, there were NO romantic feelings there... okay?????? On EITHER side!!!
And.... **NO SEX**!!! GEEEEZZZZZ!!!!
I think it was more like she was a second mother to me, and we were very close in that type of dynamic. It hurt because she did not want to continue the teaching OR the personal relationship, and not because of time constraints or whatever. But in a way I guess it was better, because I don't think teacher/student relationships were meant to be that way. They get too complicated. Maybe that is why it is hard, too. Anyway, those who say it is time to move on, are right, so I am trying to move in that direction. To consider that chapter closed in my life, and look forward to the new.
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Author: Gordon (NZ)
Date: 2001-10-16 21:26
It is sad indeed when a person cannot use the word relationship without it being assumed to be romantic/sexual.
Of the many relationships I have, the several romantic/sexual ones are definitely in the minority.
Perhaps the meaning of this word has expanded for a younger generation. (I am not 'young')
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Author: hilary
Date: 2001-10-16 22:29
look, if you already knew what was the 'right' answer, why did you post your story here. Re read your post and you'll see why many people took it as a romantic relationship. Anyway, if your verdict is to move on with your life, then why don't you do that.
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Author: Peter
Date: 2001-10-16 23:02
As I read your last posting, I can't help but to feel that perhaps your feelings toward your teacher (even if it was only that you saw her as a "second mother") might have caused alarm bells to go off in her head.
Some people are uncomfortable with "adopting" someone else's children. Perhaps she saw the dependency developing on you part and decided she didn't want any part of that.
That's if your assesment is correct that the parting was not because of time constraints, etc. Were you a good student, otherwise?
As Hilary said, just move on.
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Author: Sara
Date: 2001-10-18 03:07
I know how you feel. I haven't dropped my teacher yet and i hope I won't- at least for the next two years or so. I love my teacher not in a sexual way, by any means, just that I respect him so much for haveing the ability to teach me so much in the last 3 years that I've been his student. I just respect that we arre both committed to something so great and fun too. I can't imagine and hope i don't have to soon, going through that peroid of transition or outright quiting music lessons altogether.
Sara
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Author: Help
Date: 2001-10-18 20:16
I feel like Sara.
I admired my teacher vry much, and she told me that she cared a lot about me too. It is a long story and our relationship was probably very unusual, so I will spare everyone further details.
Sorry Hilary, I guess I just needed to talk about it in a place where I felt safe. It hurts a lot. But, I have decided to try my very best to move forward.
Thanks
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Author: Rose T.
Date: 2001-10-22 02:01
I have an EXTREMELY close relationship with my teacher. No *sex* or anything, I'm just very close to him. I can talk about anything with him and he will listen to me and try to help me find answers to my never ending stack of problems. In a way, he's like what your teacher was to you, a 2nd mother, well he even calls talking to me like being a father. I think you should try to move on, but don't ever forget your teacher.
~Rose T.~
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Author: Gordon (NZ)
Date: 2001-10-22 11:37
A 'mentor'-type relationship is a wonderful thing for those who happen to find one. A gem indeed.
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