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 Why did I think I could do this?
Author: Reese Oller 
Date:   2024-08-25 11:16

First week of college was a bust. Auditions for ensemble placement are today in twelve hours, and I tried so hard to get the audition pieces right.... but I wasn't good enough. I feel like if I didn't have such a full schedule this week ("welcome week") I may have done slightly better, but... It is what it is. I'm burnt out from all the ridiculous speeches and "fun" events, all of which were mandatory from 8 AM to 11 PM. Then I practice every day from the end of that to around 2 AM. I really tried to do this, and I let people down. A whole lot of people did a whole lot to get me here, and I couldn't get that last little bit of the way. The used R13 I was going to buy somehow got lost in transit, and I would really have liked to have it for this, but no deal. Now I'm stuck awake at 2:14 AM, wondering what I'm going to do. My audition is at 1.

People on this board said in the past that I seem to have a pretty big amount of willpower.

I'm so sorry.

Reese Oller

Clarinet student (performance major at Millikin University)

I can play bass clarinet, Eb clarinet, BBb contra, alto saxophone, bassoon at a decent level, and flute in a pinch.

Post Edited (2024-08-25 11:25)

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 Re: Why did I think I could do this?
Author: ruben 
Date:   2024-08-25 12:22

I suggest relaxing a bit and becoming slightly more detached. Every time I have tried to accomplish something as though my life depended on it, I have failed. I do much better when I'm a little more detached. This goes for job interviews, auditions, everything.

rubengreenbergparisfrance@gmail.com


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 Re: Why did I think I could do this?
Author: MrDanny 
Date:   2024-08-25 12:57

Hi Reese,

I don't know your time zone, but if it's the middle of the night where you are and you're still up, my (uninvited, I know) advice is to get some sleep!

I've conducted extensive personal experiments in sleep deprivation, ostensibly to get ready for things, and it really doesn't pay. Everything goes better (including clarinet playing) when you're rested and relaxed.

Plus, odds are you're your own worst critic.

Congratulations on starting college!

Mr. Danny

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 Re: Why did I think I could do this?
Author: kdk 
Date:   2024-08-25 17:28

Reese Oller wrote:

> First week of college was a bust. Auditions for ensemble
> placement are today in twelve hours, and I tried so hard to get
> the audition pieces right.... but I wasn't good enough.

You were apparently good enough to get into the school in the first place. You're there to improve, not to prove anything now. Do your best (without triggering a breakdown) and accept whatever placements come of it. You'll have four years to develop and move up the ensemble ladder.

> It is what it is.

Yes. Start there and work up.

> A whole lot of
> people did a whole lot to get me here, and I couldn't get that
> last little bit of the way.

I still don't understand what it is you couldn't get. You're there. Now is when the work begins.

> People on this board said in the past that I seem to have a
> pretty big amount of willpower.

What does willpower have to do with any of this?

Karl

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 Re: Why did I think I could do this?
Author: Philip Caron 
Date:   2024-08-25 21:03

Speaking of willpower, "fun" events that leave any after-effects besides feeling healthier might be foregone.

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 Re: Why did I think I could do this?
Author: Reese Oller 
Date:   2024-08-25 21:08

If only I could-- all of it was required, even when I explained the situation. Almost all the freshman music performance majors at my college are furious that we didn't get more practice.

Reese Oller

Clarinet student (performance major at Millikin University)

I can play bass clarinet, Eb clarinet, BBb contra, alto saxophone, bassoon at a decent level, and flute in a pinch.

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 Re: Why did I think I could do this?
Author: Julian ibiza 
Date:   2024-08-25 21:37

Hi Reese,

Try as we may we will all have setbacks. Getting where we want to go is about keeping up the pressure....not letting up but not blowing out.

I get the feeling that at times you may be taking on too much of a burden to meet the supposed expectations of those who have given you support in your pursuit of music. While I see that as a noble thing, it may not be an entirely good thing. Those that have helped you chose to do so. It was a choice they made for which THEY are responsible...not you. I doubt that any of them would want to see you anguishing and beating yourself up or feeling despairing about things. Consider your principal responsibility developing and maintaining you own wellbeing and peace of mind. That's how we achieve out best work and perhaps never more so that in pursuing the arts.

Julian Griffiths
Tel. 34 696 798 853

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 Re: Why did I think I could do this?
Author: kdk 
Date:   2024-08-25 21:48

Reese Oller wrote:

> If only I could-- all of it was required, even when I explained
> the situation. Almost all the freshman music performance majors
> at my college are furious that we didn't get more practice.
>

Then you're all in the same boat. Things will settle down.

Karl

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 Re: Why did I think I could do this?
Author: Fuzzy 
Date:   2024-08-25 21:55

Reese,

Sorry it isn't what you expected, but....welcome to college life. This happens a lot. In fact...I think that in large part, this is the most important part of college.

Sincerely hope you're able to step back and enjoy the ride.

Fuzzy
;^)>>>

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 Re: Why did I think I could do this?
Author: Tom H 
Date:   2024-08-26 05:01

Everyone is different, but I could not function at all with the sleep schedule you described. As MrDanny said-- get more sleep.

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 Re: Why did I think I could do this?
Author: ruben 
Date:   2024-08-26 20:13

PS: Detachment is a peaceful state of trust: above all trusting yourself.

rubengreenbergparisfrance@gmail.com


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 Re: Why did I think I could do this?
Author: ruben 
Date:   2024-08-28 09:07

Give us updates on how you're doing! Everybody needs encouragement, especially artists and young people starting out in life.

rubengreenbergparisfrance@gmail.com


Post Edited (2024-08-28 09:23)

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 Re: Why did I think I could do this?
Author: Reese Oller 
Date:   2024-08-28 20:40

Halfway through the first week now. According to my professor I didn't do the worst out of the auditions, so that's something. I am part of the university clarinet quartet, and that's something else. I am working very hard to earn my place here, and maybe it'll pay off next year. I've also begun work on bassoon, saxophone, and flute.

Reese Oller

Clarinet student (performance major at Millikin University)

I can play bass clarinet, Eb clarinet, BBb contra, alto saxophone, bassoon at a decent level, and flute in a pinch.

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 Re: Why did I think I could do this?
Author: Julian ibiza 
Date:   2024-08-29 10:22

Sounds like you're grabbing the bull by the horns.... way to go Reese!

Julian Griffiths
Tel. 34 696 798 853

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 Re: Why did I think I could do this?
Author: ruben 
Date:   2024-08-29 13:39

Reese: A friend of mine-an Italian jazz musician-and I are arranging some Duke Ellington pieces for clarinet quartet-three clars plus bass clar.). If you're interested in playing them, I'd be happy to send them to you for your new quartet (once they're done). Of course, you would need the approval of your coach. You have my email address. Anybody else out there that is interested can get in touch with me. Jimmy Hamilton, the Duke's great clarinetist for 25 years, wrote some original pieces for clarinet quartet, but I have never been able to track them down. I played a couple with him and Harry Carney and Russel Procope; a great memory!

rubengreenbergparisfrance@gmail.com


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 Re: Why did I think I could do this?
Author: senexclarinetta 
Date:   2024-08-29 17:26

Reese, if it helps, some perspective:

Do you think you'll improve while in college? Do you think that four years from now you'll be a better player than you are now?

I expect you will be.

Do you expect that the players who started three or four years ago have improved? That they are better musicians now in one way or another than they were, even if they were already quite good?

I expect they are.

Did you think you were going to be better than all of them on the first day? Or that you've somehow failed if you weren't?

I don't think, in a clear moment, you think that. Get some sleep and get into a routine.

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 Re: Why did I think I could do this?
Author: Tony F 
Date:   2024-08-29 17:29

Reese, I think you are getting tangled up in what you believe others expect of you. Having been accepted for college, now is the point at which your development begins. Everything up to now has just been preparatory work. You are not expected at this point to be the polished performer that you feel you have to be. That will come later. For now, relax a little and enjoy the experience.

Tony F.

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 Re: Why did I think I could do this?
Author: Philip Caron 
Date:   2024-08-29 21:38

Here's one small data point. A local high-schooler was a standout, played clarinet and sax, placed high at all-state. He went to music school. I chatted with him the next summer, and asked him how he liked music school.

"I hate it," he said. He hated having to practice all the time, and he "hated everyone being better than him." He went on to graduate in fine shape, and the last I heard he was leading a professional jazz ensemble, mostly on bari sax.

A lot of the competition at school will disappear or stagnate for a hundred different reasons. Also, a few people who didn't start the greatest will become awesome. Listen & learn, and day by day, pay the dues: those things you can surely control. Good luck!

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 Re: Why did I think I could do this?
Author: Fuzzy 
Date:   2024-08-30 06:30

Quote:

A lot of the competition at school will disappear or stagnate for a hundred different reasons...a few people who didn't start the greatest will become awesome. Listen & learn, and day by day, pay the dues: those things you can surely control. Good luck!


So accurate!

Fuzzy
;^)>>>

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 Re: Why did I think I could do this?
Author: RBlack 
Date:   2024-08-30 10:24

I don’t want to diminish your challenges, but I suggest you remember that this is not a life and death situation, this is just music school.
No one is perfect, especially not 1st year undergrads. Specifically in regard to clarinet, if you could play everything perfectly, you wouldn’t even need to be at school. You’re there to learn and grow, so focus on what it can teach you.
Life is BUSY. And not just while in school. You will often find there’s not enough time in the day to do everything you might want, so you have to learn to prioritize and increase efficiency. I know of a symphony player who has very little time to practice, what with rehearsals/performances/teaching. So they just have to make very effective use of the little practice time they do get. This is something you have to develop over time!

In short, cut yourself some slack! It’s just the clarinet after all :)

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 Re: Why did I think I could do this?
Author: Ed 
Date:   2024-08-30 17:50

The goal is to learn from all of your experiences, both the good ones and the not so good. Use your setbacks as a tool to help you move forward. Consider what went well and what didn't and make a plan for how you will adjust moving forward and have greater success next time.

You cannot change the past, so look at what you can change, which is what is in front of you.

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