 The Clarinet BBoard
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Author: EEBaum
Date: 2012-11-14 18:00
The other day I quit music.
Completely and utterly quit.
I didn't take a day off, I didn't set the instrument aside for a while, I didn't decide to go on an extended hiatus.
I realized that I didn't like playing, that I hadn't practiced voluntarily in ages, that the prospect of doing music was stressing me out, that I didn't like playing shows, and that I would very much like it if, despite everyone saying I should stick it out, I could just walk away.
So I walked away.
I composed a text to the guy that leads a band I'm in, telling him that I'm out. It was liberating. I have never felt so free. My finger hovered over "send." I breathed a huge sigh of relief.
At this point, I was just making sure I had worded the message properly. I was through with music, and I was happy.
Then, a drift.
A momentary thought, a flashback to my undergrad, to one of my teachers, to his explanation of how notes play into each other and how to create forward energy and so on.
And suddenly a rush, an overwhelming flood of what I *LIKED* about music, came crashing all over me. For the first time in years, I *wanted* to practice, I *wanted* to play, I *wanted* to be in bands and played shows.
My attachment, tooth and nail, to music as something I *should* want to do had created an enormous amount of baggage and resentment toward it. Letting it go allowed me to shed that baggage.
This is why I recommend to you all, now and again, to quit music and see if it brings you back. Until now, though, it was entirely a philosophical exercise. I had never truly quit it myself. And I can say now, from experience, that quitting isn't so scary, and that for me the spark that drew me back was almost immediate. But with other things I've quit there has been no spark at all. Leaving my career in software, for example, has led to almost no draw back to it. In either case, it can show you what you're doing because you want to, and what you're doing because you feel you should or are obligated.
If you're ever unsure about music, quit it. Don't "say" you'll quit it, but legitimately quit it and look at what else the world has to offer. You'll be better for it, whether or not it draws you back.
-Alex
www.mostlydifferent.com
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Author: Ed
Date: 2012-11-14 18:59
Sometimes we all do things because of habit and forget why we do it. We lose focus on the positive and get tied up in the mundane. I think it is very valuable to think about what drew originally us to music or anything else and re-evaluate our priorities. Often we make decisions when we are young that we expect to carry us through our entire lives, yet as we grow older we realize that we are different people.
It is good to hear that you found your muse.
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Author: Paula S
Date: 2012-11-14 19:46
Alex,
I quit practicing for 30 years. I didn't quit playing completely as my husband is a Music Specialist and I help out on flute and clarinet with various groups he is involved with. The thing is my sight reading has always been good and I have a nice tone so I really didn't have any desire to develop my playing any further until this year. The trigger for me was a pair of Symphony 1010 clarinets I saw on Ebay which had been maintained by a professional and were at a good price. When I was in my teens I was hell bent on becoming a performer but the stress just got to me. I loved the sound of the 1010 and my parents promised me a pair if I got in at one the Royal Colleges and went to study. I got in but I was so freaked out that I didn't go...........no 1010s and a different career but I have no regrets at all. I now have my 1010s, have found my altissimo, have bought a lovely pair of Peter Eatons and now an Eb, all of which I adore playing. It really couldn't have worked out better for me and I feel truly blessed :-) If music is in your blood it draws you back to it in the end. ;-)
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Author: Clarinet4hire
Date: 2012-11-14 22:49
I walked away from it completey in 2008.
I had a conversation with Burt Hara in 2006 that was very enlightening.
Mr. Hara explained to me that my playing is not what would hold me back. It was an honor for me to hear him tell me he thought I had the chops. But he told me the economic reality behind it. I had made a very poor decision to have a family and persue music.
There just isn't any work out there for the clarinetist to make a living. Mr. Hara explained he left Minnesota for a time when he got the Philadelphia Orchestra job right after Gigliotti retired. Mr Gigliotti held that position for half a century! No one will be letting go of there chairs -and the auditions are not necessarily about who is best, but more about the attitude of the panel at the time. Besides that, the reality is that vitually everyone auditioning will be just as great a player as you are. He then showed me how thick the book was for clarinetists out east. It was rediculous.
He suggested I think hard about how much I wanted to play the clarinet. Was it worth losing my job (in which I am able to provide for my family with), my wife and kids? If I could live at all without it, he strongly recommended I not continue wanting a professional career.
On the other hand, if I was willing to lose everything to play professionally, he then recommended the career, because it could take that long just for anything to open up.
I thought hard about that conversation and realized I wanted the career more than I enjoyed the music. I knew I could live without it. With that I realized how many hours of my life I wasted perfecting my obsession, the money I invested, the frustration I put my family through, and the fact I couldn't give them a good life simply because I chose a field that the economy does not call for. It was my own fault!
I will never get any investment back from any of the work I poured into this madness. And what is sick, is that I find myself looking at equipment like the new ridenour clarinets, finding them so affordable and seeming so realistic for my lifestyle.... wanting to use a a new A clarinet and basset clarinet to play orchestra and chamber works I will never be able to use them for in a proper orchestra or chamber setting anyhow!
I wish I could find joy in it. But I can only find a vacuum of regret and disappointment.
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Author: Clarineteer
Date: 2012-11-14 23:08
Every once in a while I run into somebody who not only does not play music but who also does not even listen to music and I think to myself how empty life would be without music.
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Author: Wes
Date: 2012-11-14 23:31
How happy I am that I got a couple of degrees in electrical engineering and had a wonderful career as a result. But I also studied music with some great teachers and played in many fine groups.
With the changes in our culture, the greedy politicians in our government, and the shipping of musical work to foreign countries, it is harder to find musically satisfying opportunities to play. The fine studio players here in Los Angeles feel the pinch and have taken a lot of the part time positions. Weddings, chamber concerts, big band gigs, and orchestra concerts are not so easy to get as they once were, especially if they pay anything.
Nevertheless, I believe that one should focus on the music, not on side issues. Practice at home can be some basics but could include the artistic masterpieces of your instrument. Maintenance and improvement of skills can make you feel good about what you do. You don't need an audience for this and you don't have to sit and listen to that flute player who never learned to play in tune in the third register. Or the piano pounder who can't tell a forte from a piano.
Good luck to you and try to find joy in what you do!
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Author: Garth Libre
Date: 2012-11-15 01:22
Author EEbaum is a very talented writer. I suspect his musicianship is every bit as good as his writing. All the more reason to come back to music.
Garth, 305-981-4705. garthlibre@yahoo.com
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Author: sfalexi
Date: 2012-11-15 03:26
I used to feel guilty putting down the clarinet for vacations and would try to bring it and convince myself to practice a little each day.
not anymore. For me, a vacation break from playing twice a year helps me to come back refreshed and "ready to play". And yes I'm not at my best when I come back after two weeks, but to me it's a relief to put it to the side and concentrate on enjoying vacation. And I know I WILL get back to my best, and WILL be able to continue making progress when I get back.
I tried to quit too back around 2002. Stress and life got to me. Lasted a few months and then I started to miss it and came back. Now I really enjoy it!
Alexi
US Army Japan Band
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Author: FanR.
Date: 2012-11-15 07:48
I'm in my final year of clarinet and music studies at uni.
Some weeks ago I realized that, the last couple of years, studying and playing the clarinet had been nothing but a constant source of stress in my life. Altough I was reluctant to admit it at first, it suddenly dawned on me that I hate doing concerts, that even rehearsals make me nervous, that daily practice has become a tedious task and yet another source of worry, that playing music hasn't given me even a speck of happiness, satisfaction, of fullfilment, and that I can't, shouldn't and, most importantly, don't want to do this for the rest of my life.
And the endless hours of practice, the worry I've already been through, the instruments I've bought? Can I "throw them away"? I realized that if it's gonna make me happier, not only I can, but I should.
I realized that although I love music and I love the clarinet, pursuing them professionally kills everything I love about them. I started doing music because it allowed me to turn my perfectionism off and enjoy the moment - something I can't do when I know my grades, my income or my future depend on it. I absolutely want to have music and the clarinet in my life, but on my own terms.
So, I decided to finish my studies to the best of my abilities and begin anew next year, as an undergrad in computer science. I am truly lucky to be able to do that, because universities here (Greece, amidst all the problems) are free, so there's no major financial investment holding me back to music.
Long story short, it has been a liberating decision, and I even had my first stress-free orchestra rehearsal in years :D
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Author: Joarkh
Date: 2012-11-15 18:47
Thank you for your post, EEBaum.
Joar
Clarinet and saxophone teacher, clarinet freelancer
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Author: Dileep Gangolli
Date: 2012-11-15 19:00
Play the hand you are dealt.
Stop snivelling and do what is best for you and you alone.
Don't ask for advice on this board. Pay a good therapist (if you can fine one - they are rare).
Follow your gut instinct. That goes for pros and amateurs.
If you don't like what you are doing, do something else.
If you like what you are doing, keep doing it and pay your bills one way or another.
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Author: EEBaum
Date: 2012-11-15 20:56
GBK: I thought that would be the case for me too. I was actually surprised to find myself liking it again.
Ed: Exactly. Some great advice I got recently was along the lines of "never mind the plot." Do what you want to do based on what you feel now, not some plans you set in motion years ago. People change.
Clarinet4hire: Thanks for sharing that. For me, I left the possibility of a career in music a while ago. This was a matter of dreading recreational playing. Sounds like you've moved on and are better for it. I would recommend to you to not give it another thought. It sounds like you're still very much attached to it, even though you've given it up. Imagine for a minute your life, starting today, as if playing clarinet is not at all an option, like it disappeared from the universe spontaneously. What would you do and how would you live?
Clarineteer: I find it interesting how some people latch onto that perspective and others don't at all. I quite enjoy silence a good bit of the time and could totally see myself without music.
FanR: Nice to hear you're allowing yourself that. Now if only my computer science degree didn't cause even more grief than music.... :P
Dileep: Exactly.
-Alex
www.mostlydifferent.com
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Author: Ron Scholer
Date: 2012-11-16 04:53
Can you play just for fun? Although I play for a living in San Jose, it's always fun playing duets with friends and also offering free advice at high schools., helping out the school teacher. Kind of makes you feel good.
Just a thought, with little or no pressure. Just fun to see the kids faces light up.
Glad you had such deep thoughts and you shared them with others. Glad you are still with us!
BA, MA, MSE, MST
Post Edited (2012-11-16 09:28)
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Author: Ralph Katz
Date: 2012-11-17 12:23
I did the same in 1976. My life was a wreck - between my day job, practicing and performing there was no time and there was no money in it. I quit my day job at the same time.
This freed me up to focus, and literally do nothing but work. So, 4 years later I had a much better job which generated a concomitantly better living, and was in a very good relationship, when I picked up the clarinet again.
The process of picking up an instrument after a 4-year hiatus is a separate topic.
The relationship was the first thing to go and I don't know if I ever got over that. This is a complicated issue, but I wouldn't blame music first - it was just one single thing among many.
Now, my wife of 25-years, a flutist, doesn't even think about me playing scales or doing the other things that have to happen, for hours on end. Nor does it bother me if she plays long tones in front of a mirror for hours. I am a lousy flutist and she is the first to say she can't play clarinet well, so we don't get in each other's ways. We have separate musical interests and work in different communities of activity. Still, I pinch myself knowing that if I sit and play the same passage over and over for hours, it won't bother her in the least.
The guy who sat ahead of me in state-wide honors bands when I was a teenager quit playing altogether, years ago. He is an avid woodworking teacher now (I just re-habilitated a rusty handplane he sold me.) All that needs to be said is "He loves what he is doing."
When it happened, teachers and aquaintances shocked me by selling their horns upon retirement, but I can understand it. Former colleagues of these people comment on how happy they seem. But then there were Pablo Casals and others who kept playing every day, through the difficulties of age. We do have a choice, and it is very personal.
Music can be a great weight, and I think the clarinet is heavier in that regard than most other instruments.
Above all, your goal should be to live well and prosper.
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Author: EEBaum
Date: 2012-11-17 19:34
Ron: This *WAS* "for fun" playing. Even that was causing me grief. More grief, in fact, because it had become hardly my idea of something to do for fun. If it was just a job for money, I'd suck it up and tune out.
-Alex
www.mostlydifferent.com
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Author: Ralph Katz
Date: 2012-11-18 00:36
If it wasn't fun, and you were doing it for fun, better to go in a different direction.
Best of Luck to you.
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Author: Morrigan
Date: 2012-11-20 16:25
I must be one of the lucky few. I am a full-time paid musician and I love what I do, even though it has it's moments. For example, last week was incredibly busy and we all felt really overworked, that it wasn't fair. Even during the worst of it, I never stop loving the music and the clarinet.
Those who have followed my posts (for over 10 years now, I think) you'll know that my journey has been about rejection, self-sabotage, uncertainty, and huge personal sacrifice. I did take 12 months off playing once, when I had given up. My heart couldn't take any more. Very slowly, I picked up the clarinet again and felt refreshed. Before the break, I had no idea if I was ever going to play again. This new outlook on music eventually landed me in my current job, and now I live in a really nice flat in London and can afford nice things, all because of my hard work and persistence.
Being a professional musician isn't for everybody, and I sometimes find myself jealous of amateur musicians who get to enjoy as much or as little music as they want.
EEBaum, good for you for realising that there's more to life than the clarinet and I really hope you find happiness, even if that includes picking up the clarinet again.
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Author: MoonPatrol
Date: 2012-11-24 20:00
Ha Ha Ha, I've played with pianists that play too loud or worse, have their own tempo. You can't play with them and you can't slap 'em across the face!
I treasure playing at home, and especially in the kitchen or bathroom where the acoustics are better.
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Author: MoonPatrol
Date: 2012-11-24 20:20
I have quit bands, and walked away feeling refreshed. Sometimes it takes courage to leave a band. I haven't regretted quitting any band yet. For me its usually the choice of the music by the conductor that eventually runs me off. Follow your bliss...
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Author: William
Date: 2012-11-26 15:31
When playing music becomes something I "have to do" rather than something I "like to do", I hope I have the good sense and courage to quit and find another guilty pleasure.
In the FWIW catagory, my good friend, the late jazz clarinetist Chuck Hedges, actually gave up clarinetting many years ago to concentrate on his repair business. He told me he was "never going to play clarinet again" and seemed serious, a hard thing for Chuck, lol. His clarinet remained silent for over two years, but eventually he returned to playing with the likes of Wild Bill Davidson and a popular Milwaukee jazz quartet three nights a week at the Red Mill Supper Club in Elm Grove (burb of Milwaukee). He said his time away from playing was the most refreshing thing he had ever done and he continued playing better than ever until his final illness.
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