 The Clarinet BBoard
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Author: Ken Shaw ★2017
Date: 2012-04-02 12:18
The following press release was in my inbox when I got home last night:
In a move that astonished the music and sporting worlds, the New York Philharmonic has traded Philip Myers, its 400 pound principal horn player, to the New York Knickerbockers in return for guard Jeremy Lin, who will fill the long vacant principal clarinet chair.
In addition to his basketball skills, Jeremy Lin is a world-class clarinetist. "He's always been crazy about the clarinet" says his mother. "When he was just four years old, his letter to Santa Claus demanded a pair of Air Jordan sneakers with the unobtainium insoles, and also a pair of Backun MOBA clarinets with gold keys."
Philip Myers has been a top pro basketball player on the side for many years. Despite his weight, he has blazing speed and can easily dunk a basketball.
At a joint press conference, Lirpa Loof, the Philharmonic's Publicity Manager, and Ploof Aril, the Knicks' Assistant General Manager, said that the trade was a brilliant coup. They noted that top musicians and top athletes both have extremely fast reflexes and have long experience as team players.
The trade will benefit both organizations, they said. At a secret audition, Lin dazzled both retired clarinetist Stanley Drucker and Philadelphia Orchestra principal Ricardo Morales. "It's a good thing I retired when I did," said Drucker. "I couldn't come close to copying Lin's moves, and his finger speed is amazing." A player who was at the audition said that when Lin played his first notes, Morales took his clarinet apart, put it in the case and walked out, muttering "If Jeremy wants the job, I don't have a chance."
Myers will be the intimidating presence under the basket the Knicks have been missing. "Nobody can move him or get around him" said Aril. He simply jumps on the floor, which depresses it a good 12 inches. The rebound raises him far above the rim.
The trade also gives the Philharmonic more space on stage, since they no longer need a riser just for Myers to occupy.
The Philharmonic said they had been worried about the volume of Lin's playing, which sometimes drowns out the rest of the orchestra. Fortunately, Myers left behind his horn mutes, which let Lin control his power.
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