 The Clarinet BBoard
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Author: Aussie Nick
Date: 2001-01-11 11:05
Hi all. I don't quite know how to say what I'm trying to say here, and I know that you guys aren't a councelling service but I'm sure some of you have been through this before or know of people in the situation. I had a pretty good year in 2000..gave alot of good performances and was awarded A's and A+'s for just about every exam/audition I did. I auditioned for the conservatory after I just finished my final year of school and I was accepted with an A+ grading for the audition and I'm starting my degree there in a month (in Australia the school year starts in february and finishes november). Over the summer holidays my teacher has been in Europe performing and I havent had a lesson for a while, and I've gotten quite slack as far as practicing goes. Anyway to cut a long story short, I feel like quitting. Im scared to death of university, and in my practices lately I've lost everything I had before. Rehersals for the states youth orchestra for which I am principal start soon and I'm also scared of this. Im just generally depressed. Im trying to hang in there until my teacher comes back but I've come close to smashing my clarinets. I hope no one I know reads this but I've occasionally had suicidal thoughts lately so maybe this has something to do with it. I really don't know what I'm trying to say and I dont expect anyone here to be able to help me. I just dont know what I should do. If I quit, there is nothing else I can think of that I want to do in life. I dont know what else to say..
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Author: Aussie Nick
Date: 2001-01-11 11:13
I kind of regret writing that now.
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Author: Dee
Date: 2001-01-11 11:38
Stress of upcoming change. Just relax, take a break, don't even worry how you play. You've passed your auditions and gotten into the university. Unwind and enjoy the start of a new phase. Many people, regardless of the field, get a little or even a lot fearful of going off to the university as it is a significant change in life.
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Author: DLE
Date: 2001-01-11 11:38
Why regret it? Obviously it needed to be said.
I've had, and am in a similar situation. Although now I would never consider quitting the Clarinet(s) that I play, about 3 years ago when I was 14-15, I had a terrible year of depression. I had no life, no friends, and only my studies to do.
Having a nasty clarinet teacher at the time, didn't help either and not many people know this, but I actually did quit the clarinet for a good 4 months. Afterwards, I realised that the clarinet was one of the things in my life the made me happy, so I took it up again, and despite failing my clarinet Grade 6, changed teachers, and passed 3 exams in a row with very high marks, to get me to top grade, and performances.
To me, the grades were important, but what kept me going was playing in a band, or just on my own sometimes - it helps if you can enjoy playing the clarinet, no matter how bad your playing might be.
Since then, I've had alot of ups and downs, and I don't want to go to university like everyone else either. I'm taking a Gap year, and getting out of this country(UK). I find the atmosphere here very aggressive, and undermining, so I'm leaving.
Having suicidal thoughts is not uncommon in these situations - I went through that too. I got through it by telling someone about how I was feeling, which was quite difficult since I had to put my complete trust in someone. I never wanted a counselor, and never really needed one either. Just a good friend helps.
Things are alot better now than they were a few years back - you'd be surprised how much things can get better in just a few more months.
You shouldn't be afraid of going to Orchestra - no-one's going to bite your head off! If they say they don't want you, then they'll say it, but I doubt that will happen.
If you don't do well, then it's not the end of the world for you. You have the advantage of already passing your exams, which I didn't. There's still a future for you if you reach out and take it.
I hope this all makes sense.
I hope everthing turns out alright for you,
DLE.
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Author: Bob Sparkman
Date: 2001-01-11 11:44
We've all been there. Hang on. At 72 I can honestly say the clarinet saved my life, and sanity, more than once. Promise - it's the best therapy and its own reward. Good luck! Yo'll make it.
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Author: Anji
Date: 2001-01-11 12:27
At almost (horrors!) 40 I can say the clarinet has tortured my wife and threatened my neighbor's sanity, more than once.
For me it is the return to making music in the context of other activity that fills everything out. Sounds like you are, if not burnt, then toasted - out.
Having never played at your level (or perspired to such heights) I can't really feel what you must now be wrestling over. I do know this, professional athletes and academics take sabbatical to recover from career slumps.
My guess (from the desk of an armchair quack, here) is that you invested tremendous effort, both intellectually and physically, that manifested in the form of wrist strain and exhaustion. Like you beat the fun right out of the stick.
I would like to tell you that it will get better soon. The fact is that your playing is about to be worked up a notch. There will be lots of hot players at school, and your skill level may be on the same plane. Where you were tops in the class, you will now have competition. This happens to EVERY incoming student. Each of course assumes that it is an individual struggle.
You will also now have the comraderie of other young people suddenly free to invent their own identity, preferably not a secret one.
If I can offer any advice (beware free advice, its worth what you paid for it - ) a more strenuous course of physical activity may help lower your incipient stress level and relieve some of the strain you have developed in your wrist.
I also recommend professional massage for this sort of tendonitis, it was the thing that helped me play pain-free.
Get this, at the last, there are lots of us that have not met you and probably never will that empathize and wish you well.
anji
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Author: Robin
Date: 2001-01-11 13:12
Stick with it, Aussie Nick. I can understand that you might be apprehensive about Uni, but honestly, it is such a fantastic feeling when your there. If Qld uni is anything like Melbourne, you're sure to have a ball. Not only do you meet all sorts of people, you are actually studying something you find interesting! I stubbornly hold to the idea that universities can offer leaning-for-learning's sake - and this is such a valuable thing.
I would be lying if I said there wasn't any competition at University. But it's a very different kind to the kind of thing to that which happens in Schools and Youth Orchestras (MYO included). People are supportive. People are understanding. People appreciate those who 'give it a go'. I kind of wish my course went for longer actually!
Clarinet has its ups and downs for everybody. Just look for that way to make things enjoyable. I often find that as soon as I have some lessons again (after a break) and get my teacher's voice and sound in my head, things are much easier.
Throw yourself into it. You certainly sound as if you have the skills.
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Author: rather not give my name
Date: 2001-01-11 13:55
hey... it could be worse or better.. i know. for me going from highschool to college was extremely stressful.... i got a music scholarship to the school that i wanted to attend BUT then did not get into the clarinet studio... i stuck with it.. and after a summer of bitterness and some rough times.. i went to the school.. talked to the professor and they let me have non credit lessons for a semester and then someone quit the studio and the professor let me have their spot instead of a new person because the studio knew me and they thought that i had good potetional... i could not force myself to practice after not getting into the school or anything.. but when i got to school i seemed to pull myself together and did just fine... if anything i think the break helped me out somewhat because i let myself truly enjoy playing again when i came back to it! ;-) you can get through it and if you need to talk more post a message and i will e-mail you back! ;-)
no name...
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Author: John
Date: 2001-01-11 14:28
Keep at it. University will be a blast. Just be ready to enjoy every part of it. Your feelings of depression? Rather than take anyone's word for it in a computer chat room, why not ask for help from a professional, say, your doctor or pastor. Just talk about it.
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Author: bob gardner
Date: 2001-01-11 14:54
Your talent comes from the lord, so give thanks for it. Then go and use it and have fun.
I have always prayed for a little of what you have been given. My answer was ==sorry you have to work for every note. I can handle that. After all i only play for fun.
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Author: Ron D
Date: 2001-01-11 14:56
All the posts above offer good advice but if you find that after giveing it a good try you don't feel any better please see your family doctor. Some physical changes in young people can cause depression. It's a simple mater to rule out any physical problems and your family doctor may be able to offer additional help if warrented.
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Author: Kontragirl
Date: 2001-01-11 17:30
You sound like a really talented musician that's under a lot of stress. Maybe you just need to take a step back and sort it all out. You're here, and doing what you're doing for a reason. Everything happens for a reason, some day you'll look back and see something good came out of this. I hope you take the right steps and start to realize your talent that you lost view of. Posting that message was the right thing to do. There are lots of people here that can offer you support. I'm one of them.
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Author: Don Berger
Date: 2001-01-11 18:31
DONT QUIT, I went thru the "Valleys" some time back and music was one of my salvations so at 81 I'm enjoying a long, very enjoyable and profitable [not $ wise] retirement. Don
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Author: THE Big J
Date: 2001-01-11 20:48
Hey, when I have a tough day or I'm feeling kinda sad, mad, whatever, I just play my clarinet and express what I'm feeling in the music. It really helps me cause I feel like I'm getting it out and just playing the clarinet makes my day a little brighter. I hope i helped.
-Jeanie
ps. Jazz and improving are good ways of getting your feelings out.
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Author: THE Big J
Date: 2001-01-11 20:54
sorry, I meant improvising, not improving, although improving is good too
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Author: jerry
Date: 2001-01-11 22:32
I went for 62 years without playing a clarinet (or any other musical instrument) and I got along just fine. So there is life outside of clarineting. I still don't play but I'm working on that. However, I could probably go for another 62 years (well.......) without playing and so can you. I don't think that is what's bothering you though. You've been working to hard. You need to spend some time at the beach watching the girls or whatever you like to watch..............
We've all been down on ourselves at one time or another so just look at this as temporary and find something to distract you for awhile. I think you will find that you will have a renewed spirit, even if you have to delay entering the next step in your formal education - afterall, all that's happening to you now is part of your education.
Is it just me or are most musicians (although I'm not one yet) their own worst critic? I know as an "artist" that I am.
Hang in there Nick. Like the Dr. said to the guy who swallowed the peach pit, "This too will pass,"
~ jerry
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Author: Bob Arney
Date: 2001-01-11 23:44
Hey Aussie Nick,
Sounds like you have been giving your horn a real workout. When is the last time you had it in to the technicians for a real overhaul making sure that it was in proper alignment and able to blow clear and sweet? After all, if you give it all up you don't want to sell or give away a piece of junk. Think about it. All that stress on that horn, all that working of the keys, springs tension,etc. Can't help but need a good looking over.
When you put it in there for a couple of days to have the tech's look at it, take the time to book yourself into your local hospital for a complete physical. You have been under as much stress, and more, than your horn. You don't play them 'til they freeze, you keep them in good shape. So why not make sure you do not need the same kind of tune up!
Some people thrive on stress, or at least they convince themselves that they do. They are the ones who are the most greatly supprised when the breakdown comes and they find out that most of it was stress related. I know that I was.
Sooo, back off for a few days, get a check-up, "throw a couple on the barbie" and
fiddle around wih your horn if you want, but don't seriously consider anything for a while. You have 'until February, enjoy some of it, you've earned it.
Lots of Luck,
Bob A
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Author: Marco
Date: 2001-01-12 02:17
Nick,
I often dream about being as good as you must be, but I realized that such toil must have its price; your message has showed me just how high that price can be. Personally, I decided that I would not pursue a career in the clarinet because I didn't have the talent, but if I had the opportunity that you do I would grab it in a heartbeat-- at least I think I would, I mean I cant even begin to know what your pain is like. I guess if this gave me this much stress I would try to relax (I mean really do whatever I can to wind down, not even think about the clarinet if I dont want to) and try it in Feburary. If it doesnt work I would just walk away and look into something else and maybe in time take up the clarinet again for fun. I've never had suicidal thoughts, but I personally believe that nothing is worth killing yourself for: the way I look at it is if I were to drop out of college I would still have a future (maybe not an education and diploma from some prestigious school, but certainly a future) as well as friends and family that could help me out, but if I killed myself it would all be over, and I would never know what I could have done. If suicidal thoughts keep plaguing you, I recommend getting professional help (Rene seems to have given you a good start): sometimes you have to turn to other people, just as you have here, and when dealing with matters of such importance it is wisest to seek the help of those most qualified. I applaud you for being able to share your feelings, and I am glad that the people on this board are so understanding and helpful,and I hope that you have found something helpul in something I have said.
Hoping with all my heart that you'll be OK,
Marco
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Author: Marco
Date: 2001-01-12 02:20
Nick,
I often dream about being as good as you must be, but I realized that such toil must have its price; your message has showed me just how high that price can be. Personally, I decided that I would not pursue a career in the clarinet because I didn't have the talent, but if I had the opportunity that you do I would grab it in a heartbeat-- at least I think I would, I mean I cant even begin to know what your pain is like. I guess if this gave me this much stress I would try to relax (I mean really do whatever I can to wind down, not even think about the clarinet if I dont want to) and try it in Feburary. If it doesnt work I would just walk away and look into something else and maybe in time take up the clarinet again for fun. I've never had suicidal thoughts, but I personally believe that nothing is worth killing yourself for: the way I look at it is if I were to drop out of college I would still have a future (maybe not an education and diploma from some prestigious school, but certainly a future) as well as friends and family that could help me out, but if I killed myself it would all be over, and I would never know what I could have done. If suicidal thoughts keep plaguing you, I recommend getting professional help (Rene seems to have given you a good start): sometimes you have to turn to other people, just as you have here, and when dealing with matters of such importance it is wisest to seek the help of those most qualified. I applaud you for being able to share your feelings, and I am glad that the people on this board are so understanding and helpful,and I hope that you have found something helpul in something I have said.
Hoping with all my heart that you'll be OK,
Marco
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Author: Ken Rasmussen
Date: 2001-01-12 02:45
Get some good physical excercise. Ride a bicycle, hike, paddle a kayak. It will filter your blood through your kidneys and put oxygen into your blood. Set the clarinet down and pick it up later when you feel like it. There are all kinds of things in life. Don't put all your eggs in one basket. If you set your horn aside for a year it would only take a few weeks of practice to bring it all back. Relax. There's nothing wrong that a fresh perspective can't fix.
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Author: graham
Date: 2001-01-12 12:10
Everthing above is very useful, and some of it will ring true to you more than others. Here's just another thought. You have given yourself a break from playing because you needed it, but instead of increasing your enthusiasm it seems to (to you) to have dampened your spirit. The instruments just aren't doing what you want, and every time you play your misery increases. At this point it helps to just think about the clarinet but leave it in the case. Think about what you are doing on sound production, how best to approach a practice session, whether it would help to go to some live performances and hear and see what the best players are doing. I often think the a mixture of 50% playing time and 50% time thinking about it is the right ratio for keeping in trim on the instrument. You may need 75% thinking to 25% playing right now. It may recharge your batteries.
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Author: J. Exner
Date: 2001-01-12 20:07
It sounds as if you are quite talented. It also sounds as if nothing bad has happened YET, but you are afraid that it will. Ask yourself, "What's the worst that can happen?" Maybe you are concerned that you will let others, or yourself, down if you don't play as well as you would like. I can tell you that that has happened to all of us one time or another. Only 1 person can be number 1 at a time. Sometimes it will be you. When it's not you, you must learn to be gracious.
Anyway, with the accomplishments you have experienced so far, you are probably not as far behind as you think. You gave yourself a breather; now just go back to it. Play some fun things to get yourself started.
You have some great plans. Don't give up on them yet. Your future may or may not include the clarinet; your choices right now are limitless. Keep in touch.
Jill (who has a degree in clarinet performance but teaches high school English)
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Author: Meg
Date: 2001-01-12 23:56
If you know that there is nothing else you want to do, you've just answered your own question. Possibly it is the stress that is causing you to have suicidal thoughts that is also causing you to think about giving up the thing that you obviously love the most in the world. Stop thinking about it and let the music carry you through your pain.
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Author: jerry
Date: 2001-01-13 11:10
One other thought...................you might have enough tallent to *teach* (someone like me). That could shift your focus to something else and you remain in touch with the music.
Good luck.
~ jerry
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Author: Cass
Date: 2001-01-13 23:43
I think that "stop thinking about it" is not helpful advice for someone who is seriously depressed enough to be considering suicide. This is major. Somebody can't just decide to snap out of it. That's not where he's at right now.
To Aussie Nick, I'm glad you wanted to talk about things and I hope it means that you're considering saying something to the people closest to you. It feels safer to say something first with people who are far away and don't know you, to see how people might react. It's harder to look somebody in the eye and bring up this kind of stuff, but I know you can find supportive people to talk to "in person" about what's going on. I think it's important for you to do that because it sounds like you're depressed about a lot more than the clarinet.
Don't try to tough this out by yourself. It's good you said something here, but I hope you go to a clergy person, counsellor, relative or friend, trust them, and get all this stuff out in the open right there where you live every day. The hardest thing to do is make the decision to trust somebody to help and then make yourself follow through, sit down with the family or go to the appointment and start talking openly, but take it from somebody who's been there, it's the biggest relief in the world once you do it.
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Author: Sara
Date: 2001-01-16 21:37
Aussie Nick,
Look I will be blunt, there is no beetibng around the bush. I know exsactly what you are going through, I went through the same thing exsept I tryied suicide, the only thing I found to pull myself out of it was to talk to some one I trusted and let them find out the information and bring it to me. You have already accomplished the hardest part, admitting it!
I found the key was talking to someone I could tell everything to, a good friend!
Feel free to e-mail me if you want some of the information my friend got for me. Please do something, do not just icnor it, most of the time it does not go away on its own.
You did the right thing by posting and asking for help.
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