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introspections at a milestone

Author: Philip Caron
Date: 2008-12-25 14:52

My clarinet case remained closed for 33 years. January 2nd will mark two full years since it opened again.

In that time I've averaged about two hours practice per day, my job and weaknesses permitting. One hour or more per day is on technique, the rest on things I wish to play well. This past summer I played a few weekly concerts with a nearby community band. This fall and winter I've been rehearsing with a fairly serious amateur band.

Years ago, before the case closed, some people indicated they liked how I played. When I restarted, I thought it would take two years of diligent work to regain that form. That didn't happen, as people change with time. My technique in its parts is superior to the old days - scales, tonguing, things like that. It's fun to tackle specific technical problems and resolve them, one by one. Musical understanding has also grown. Other areas seem to lag. Working alone, without the benefit of assigned lessons, I find that I've brought very little music to a point of one-pass accuracy. It's a discipline problem. There's a larger area of self-assurance that also lags. So despite a better overall technical level, I'm unready to play almost anything really well.

This may sound utterly ridiculous, but my standard for "well" is the playing of Marcellus, Wright, Morales, et al. Or better. Why not? Falling short of one's standards is something we get used to in life, it's not fatal. In my earlier musical life I didn't know that, and it never occurred to me that I might aspire high. I was satisfied to push myself from where I was; now I also pull myself toward a higher place. (The shifty balance of push and pull is a theme with many uses.) There is very much to be done, but the magnitude of it shouldn't be the daunting factor.

The other night, neither of our first clarinets showed up for band rehearsal, so the conductor had me move up from the 2nds to cover the part. I was surprised to get the shakes as I sat the chair for the first time in 35 years. However, it went well enough, and a number of nice people praised me afterward. That felt good, but I'm wary. Having people like you for how you play can be a nasty siren song. Some connections are being made, though, and some further opportunities for playing are appearing.

What is the goal? Dunno. Playing for its own sake is not the worst way to pass time, and it can serve as a daily purpose. Purpose is a thing people all need. However, there's a hunger to get good at it, to triple the practice time, even if it means quitting my job (not in this economy, though.) Then what? At some point the principle instrument will age, the fingers will fail, the mind will dim. Playing the clarinet, well or not, may fail as a purpose. It's hard for me to think of that. Part of what drives me is depression, which playing each day holds well away.

Ah well. We musn't let eventualities weaken the day. Barring accidents, health should endure for some years more. Will I then play "well"? We'll see.

My thanks to the many regular posters here, for their generosity with advice and guidance, for their spirit and humor, and for their patience and forbearance (in reading posts like this one!) Happy holidays to you all.

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