 The Clarinet BBoard
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Author: Amber
Date: 2000-06-05 23:48
Michelle's post got me thinking...what do you do when you are musically inclined and your spouse isn't? I can't imagine not being able to share music with my closest friends. All the people I am closest to are music people.
For those of you who are married, how many are married to other musicians? Does it make life harder or easier?
I truly can't imagine sharing my life with someone who I can't talk about music with, or at least appreciate it together...but I am only 17! I dunno...I am just kinda curious of the percentage of music lovers finding love with a fellow music lover.....just wondering...
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Author: Mark Charette
Date: 2000-06-05 23:54
My wife is not musically inclined at all, even though she tries to play piano. She is gifted in many other areas, though, so I don't feel any loss. There's plenty of other people around who enjoy music; it's just one thing I can't share with my wife. We've got plenty of other things to talk about instead.
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Author: Bob Gardner
Date: 2000-06-06 00:42
what came first tbe marriage or the music. As we go through life we pick up differant interest. mine have been chess, motorcylces. bikes, skydiving, dogs, horses, music etc. My wife likes horses, horses and horses. What can i say. At least we both like horses.
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Author: Pam
Date: 2000-06-06 02:32
My husband likes music as well but is not as addicted to playing it all the time. We both enjoy photography, travel, and he likes woodworking, which I like 'cause I get great furniture for a fraction of the cost!
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Author: Kim L
Date: 2000-06-06 02:47
I know that some of my professors have married music people and others haven't. As my choir director says, non-majors(music), we've gotta love 'em!
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Author: jim lande
Date: 2000-06-06 04:31
My wife played guitar for a while a million years ago. Sand in the chorus in highschool. She likes lots of music, but not much blues and not much jazz and especially especially especially not really far out jazz.
On the other hand, I am bored by almost all opera and get headaches from some of it. My 17 year old son likes the stuff. Along with German heavy metal ["Du. Du. Du Hast Mir..." At least he will play that stuff loud enough. Used to be everybody in the house turned my music down.] My wife does a million wonderful things. Yes, we would spend more time together if she was also a gifted blues keyboard player -- as long as she didn't dump me for someone with decent chops.
True Story: When I was just out of college, a friend of mine wanted to break up with someone he was dating. He had always been the dumpee and had the idea that somehow the relationship should end mutually. He hit on the plan of bringing his most obnoxious a**hole friend to visit her in her dorm room. I don't really think I was the absolutely #1 O.A.F. How about George the racist who once broke into the campus police station and who borrowed money from friends and then ran off to join some Idaho hate group. However, I had bought a soprano sax that very day and 1) couldn't put it down, 2) couldn't play a scale and 3)aready listened to Ornette Coleman. My wife was his girlfriend's roommate.
As they say, love is not looking in each other's eyes. It is looking in the same direction. If you guys are heading in the same direction in life, your love of music will be part of the ride.
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Author: Meredith H
Date: 2000-06-06 06:04
My husband loves listening to music although he does kick up a stink sometimes when I practice but he has made an effort to get over that lately. In fact, my playing was so soothing last night that he fell asleep lying on the floor right next to where I was playing, I'm used to my dog doing that but not my husband. My involvement with my community band takes up a lot of my spare time but he is such a workaholic that it doesn't usually bother him because he is not at home to miss me anyway. I think he would make a great tuba player but I don't think he has the patience for the hours of practice it takes to get good (not that you have to be good to enjoy playing).
We both like travelling and we do a bit of target pistol shooting as well although he is semi-retired from that now after having represented the country for a decade. I enjoy having some interests in common with my husband but since we also work together it is kind of nice to have an interest of my own to pursue.
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Author: Dave Spiegelthal
Date: 2000-06-06 14:27
I'm one of those who's married to a non-musician. Unfortunately for me, my wife is completely, 100% non-musical. Her big love is horses, in which I have zero interest. So we survive by respecting each other's respective hobbies, and helping out however we can. I babysit the kids when my wife is out riding or mucking the stable or feeding the horses, and she minds the kids when I have a gig or rehearsal. I sometimes go to horse shows with her, and she sometimes comes to my concerts. It's not an ideal arrangement, but it's the best we can do. I'm sure our lives would be richer if we both shared the passion for music, but life is never perfect, is it?
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Author: John
Date: 2000-06-06 14:37
My wife and I met in music school. She is a singer and keyboard player and we have been performing together mostly at churches for many years. People often comment about how we can stand to rehearse together, but we work well together. So, for over thirty years it has been great with another musician.
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Author: steve
Date: 2000-06-06 14:46
imho, this is a very interesting question. I believe that everyone, in one form or another, is musically inclined...I've never met anyone who categorically said I don't like music, period.
Now, when we move into the range of what music is to your life, and what it is to another person's life, things can get a bit convoluted, and this is usually solved by mutual respect, open minds, and education.
My wife is very deep into gardening. she is an extension service master gardener, has taken many classes on horticulture, landscape design, etc....needless to say our yard is stunning, but I'm not much into gardening. I have played music all my life, until neurological problems side-lined me.
My wife and I each have a significant part of our personal identities wrapped around our consuming interests. And at times, lack of knowledge can be translated into _personal attacks_!!!! ya mean you need to buy a dozen reeds to find one you like!!! get real!!!...why is the back porch a staging area for seedlings???? I can't sit down and play my fiddle!!!! arrggghhh!!!!
welll...we all know 1/12 hit rate for reeds is typical....and any gardener needs a big staging/potting area....once we became educated to each other's needs, the conflicts stopped (she still thinks that having more than one clarinet in a different key is wasteful, but says, oh well its part of the gig, I guess...)
but more to the point....we shouldn't allow our interests to grab us by the throat....my wife is more important to me than any music....
s.
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Author: SusieQ
Date: 2000-06-06 14:57
I am also married to a non-musician, however we are self employed together, so it is nice to have our own interests. Time apart pursuing your own hobbies makes for interesting conversation. I really like to hear my husbands opinions after our community band concerts, knowing he is just there to listen and enjoy our music and has no clue how to read music. He has always respected my rehersal times as I respect the time he spends hunting and fishing. Another thing he like to do is fix my bass clarinet when needed, eeek! Believe it or not he does a great job. The key is to also have things you like to do together.
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Author: Ken Shaw
Date: 2000-06-06 15:07
Amber wrote:
-------------------------------
Michelle's post got me thinking...what do you do when you are musically inclined and your spouse isn't? I can't imagine not being able to share music with my closest friends. All the people I am closest to are music people.
For those of you who are married, how many are married to other musicians? Does it make life harder or easier?
I truly can't imagine sharing my life with someone who I can't talk about music with, or at least appreciate it together...but I am only 17! I dunno...I am just kinda curious of the percentage of music lovers finding love with a fellow music lover.....just wondering...
Amber -
Like I suppose all music people, I vowed to marry a musician. As it happens, I did - a college professor. Except now I'm a lawyer and she's a computer administrator. More important, she's the smartest girl I ever met, and after 20 years I'm still surprised every day by how great it feels to be with her. (It doesn't hurt that she's 100% Swedish, and I have a weakness for blondes.)
Music is a big part of our life. We play together, go to concerts together, listen to records together. But then my parents did that, and neither of them played an instrument beyond high school.
Music can't be all there is, or even most of it. Over the years, you grow into one another. You don't lose your individuality or separate interests - you add something that's a mixture of the two of you.
Could I have a good marriage if my wife were not a musician? Sure. I'm just glad she is.
You'll find the right one. When he comes along, you'll know. For me, at least, I knew within a week. My wife told me the same thing. (We took 3 years, though, to take the leap.)
Everyone thinks about "who will I marry?" It's one of the Big Decisions. The best part of it is that it's never quite what you expected and it's always a surprise.
Ken Shaw
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Author: Ginny
Date: 2000-06-06 15:58
I have been married twice (oops!)- So I am somewhat disqualified from giving advice to the love struck or soon to be love struck. One was a musician and one not. The lack of music was not the problem with the first. Not even close.
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Author: Lelia
Date: 2000-06-06 15:58
My husband and I met in our late teens. We moved in together with a large pack of roommates while still college undergraduates, then made it legal the summer we graduated. After 30 years of marriage, we've warped in the same direction, having lovingly tutored each other in many vices. (For instance, I taught him how to spit impressive distances and he taught me to keep chocolate available at all times.) Music was one of the things we shared in common right from the start. The first long, serious conversation we had together was about why we'd both quit our instruments. Eventually, we corrupted each other's resolve and encouraged each other to get back into playing, sort of the way recovering junkies lead each other back to doing dope.
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Author: Matt
Date: 2000-06-06 16:47
Of greater concern would be a willingness for individual interests. Rather than quote any of the reams concerning "compatability issues" I would suppose problems like these are pervasive... control, power struggles, all the crap that drags couples down. If an individual loses a sense that their efforts always fail, they tend to snipe at their partner. Life is too short to live with nags or ogres.
"Music is the water intended to wash away the cares of everyday life." - Art Blakey
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Author: Jill
Date: 2000-06-06 19:03
My husband and I met in the high school band, and went on to play in a college band together. I accompany him on piano when he plays saxophone solos, and sometimes he and I and our daughter play clarinet trios (he plays soprano sax then). Music truly is a love that we share together, and we have passed it on to our children.
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Author: Frank
Date: 2000-06-06 19:10
A former roommate of mine (also a clarinetist) had difficulties with her marriage because her husband (a doctor) was not musically inclined or interested. She went back to school after they were married and then the problems started in the marriage. Trying to be a professional (or even an advanced student) is pretty busy work and he simply couldn't handle the fact that she had a lot of concerts and gigs around town. They eventually divorced because of it (and the fact that he's a schmuck!).
Frank
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Author: Kevin Bowman
Date: 2000-06-06 19:27
Very interesting thread. And lots of good anecdotes.
I'll share that I was once married to a fairly accomplished cellist. We did play in a community symphony together but we did so as individuals, not as a team. For some reason, she seemed to think our common interest in music was a competition. I thought the cello was a beautiful instrument and wanted desperately to play duets with her (clarinet/cello). I think I was just more interested in music than she was - we never connected on a musical level. In the end, we just never connected.
Now I have been dating a woman with no muscial background at all. She is an artist and has a deep appreciation for all things creative. She really enjoys listening to me play and I enjoy playing for her. I can feel her energy when I am performing and she is in the audience. It sort of gives my performance a little extra boost. It's wonderful. She also enjoys listening to all kinds of music - even some that I don't care for (like NIN). Sometimes, she attends my rehearsals and sketches or photographs me playing. We share music on a much higher level that I ever did with my cello playing ex-wife. At some level I think we _are_ producing music together - it's just that she's doing it indirectly.
Another thing I've realized lately is that music and visual art are more closely related that I once thought. They're both made of vibrations. The composer Scriabin knew this too.
So my "advice" is this: you don't have to be married to a musican to make music together.
BTW - music had nothing whatsoever to do with my divorce.
Kevin Bowman
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Author: Don Poulsen
Date: 2000-06-06 21:42
The extent of my wife's musicianship is that she plays in our church's bell choir and she played drums in junior high. (She claims she can't read music, but must to know when to play what bell.) At the times she has become frustrated with the choir director, I have encouraged her to keep going, because I know how enjoyable and relaxing it can be to create music.
One of her major interests is meditating. Although she has invited me to join her because it relaxes her and clears her mind, I have told her that band rehearsals achieve the same effects on me and are my form of meditation.
We enjoy attending symphony concerts together, so we do share an interest in music, although she doesn't claim to be a musician.
But it is most important to me that she attend my concerts, which she usually does. If she can't attend for some reason, it bothers me, but if she chooses not to attend, I find it more upsetting and my performance suffers. Mutual support is more important than mutual interests.
She occasionally points out that after hearing me practice my music over and over again she doesn't find our concerts as interesting as she would if the pieces were new to her - despite the fact that I am only a small part of the band and I rarely play the melody.
As an interesting side note, I recall an outdoor community band concert about nine years ago where the band members were amused by a cute little five-year-old girl who chose to stand directly in front of the gazebo in which we were playing, covering her ears with her hands. Little did I realize that that little girl was to later become my stepdaughter, now a high schooler who plays piano and violin.
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Author: Melanie
Date: 2000-06-07 04:42
Hi Everyone!
If you've ever heard Dr. Tim Lautzenheiser speak (he does programs about leadership in high school bands), he always tells an anecdote about band directors and their students. Dr. Tim says that directors always plot which kids they want to date eachother; musicians make more musicians: "See that cute clarinet player over there? She should date that trombone player -- we could probably get an oboist out of the match!" It's tons funnier when he says it -- trust me!
Melanie
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Author: paul
Date: 2000-06-07 17:28
Without reading the postings above, I'll chime in...
My wife has a natural gift of a wonderfully in tune and rich first soprano voice. She can't read music, but she can feel it right through her bones. She has fantastic rhythm and wow can she dance! She just doesn't "get it" when I'm slowly hacking through scales and reading music, but there is no life behind it. I'm an engineer by training, so music is a challenge for me. Making music come alive is my biggest challenge.
So, with that said, I believe it's harder to have a spouse who is naturally musically talented because, at least in my case, the perception of need for detailed and concentrated practice just isn't there. For her, my practice sessions on the clarinet are like hearing someone scratch a chalkboard for an hour a night. Pure torture. So, getting in regular practice sessions is an extreme challenge for me. I'll keep on hacking away at it any way I can.
When you get older and see things from my perspective, you will understand the relationship between the words "love" and "patience" in marriage. These skills also must be practiced every day.
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Author: Alec Thigpen
Date: 2000-06-10 02:33
For twelve years, my wife has attended my community band concerts, and lamented on not having a musical skill. Two years ago we bought a new piano and she started taking lessons. Now I am pleased to enjoy listening to her practice 2-3 hours a night, and when home, also on the weekends. She seems to enjoy show tunes and especially Andrew Lloyd Weber. Very tough stuff for a second year student, but I've not seen this kind of dedication in very many adults. We couldn't be happier in the music shared between us.
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Author: Willie
Date: 2000-06-10 07:29
I met my wife at the Police Station. She was a dispatcher and I was bringing in some "customers" who had started an "import" busness. I was married to her for several years and never knew she played flute until our daughter started band. Now we all play and its just added even more to a great relationship. She has proven the myth wrong that "Redneck" women can't play classical music.
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