 The Clarinet BBoard
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Author: uRGENT wARNING
Date: 2000-04-01 12:09
!!!!!!!!!!!!!Urgent warning to all clarinettists!!!!!!!!!!!
BEWARE THE PANDA MENACE
DO NOT BELIEVE THE CHINESE PROPAGANDA
These little buggers may look cute, but they are a deadly menace to the world's clarinettists. You don't believe me? WHAT DO YOU THINK THEY EAT?
************BAMBOO**********
That's right, they eat the one thing essential for clarinet playing -- the lifeblood of our profession.
Why do you suppose reeds are so bad these days? BECAUSE THE PANDAS EAT THE BEST BAMBOO!!!!!!!! How could it possibly be any other reason?
IF PANDAS KEEP EATING BAMBOO, PRETTY SOON THERE WILL BE NO REEDS AT ALL.
Panda worship is NOTHING BUT A CONSPIRACY between the CHINESE and the selfish PLASTIC REED MAKERS, so that they can RULE THE WORLD. Once the clarinetists are reedless, what will they turn to next?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!!
Join the Crew of the Association for Panda Riddance and Incineration of the Little Frond-chomping Outrages of Lucifer!!!!!!!!!!!!
Remember -- KILL A PANDA -- SAVE A REED
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Author: Nicole Y.
Date: 2000-04-01 13:24
Good April Fool's Joke! But not really funny....
The Freshman,
Nicole Y.
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Author: Don Berger
Date: 2000-04-01 17:46
I believe that bamboo grows more rapidly than those not-really-loveable black-and-whites do, besides isn't the newest bamboo source for reeds in Australia?? Don
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Author: Lelia
Date: 2000-04-01 19:38
Just to be a total killjoy pedant . . . . Reed cane is the species Donax, which isn't bamboo. Asian bamboos are the species Polygonam. Too bad Pandas are so rare and hard to keep, and too bad they're *bears* (major claws, etc. -- not as cuddly as they look), because gardeners who've got this terrible weed taking over their yards (or migrating from the neighbors' yards) would probably love to keep a pair of roly-poly Pandas to thin out the bamboo!
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Author: Ginny
Date: 2000-04-01 19:40
NEWS FLASH!~!!
In a recent government attempt to save endangered species a new proto-type fibercell Panda has been genetically engineered. The general consenses is that the new protoplasticplasm Panda has a great sound and plays more consistently than pandas made of natural materials. Although the best of the natural pandas is better than a typical engineered one, you don't have to sort through a box of ten to find one that plays well. The life span of the protoplasicplasm panda is improved. Feeding exclusively on used plastic reeds, the new protoplasticplasm Panda has created a shortages...
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Author: Agent Mulder, FBI
Date: 2000-04-02 01:41
I work for the government, and I'm with you! Let's save a reed and kill a panda!
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Author: Don Berger
Date: 2000-04-02 02:39
Gosh Yes, this "herbivorous marsupial", particularly the big-uns, might eat the tops off our good? reed-type bamboo, unless they are just too lazy to get up from the grass. Glad you asked, I've been wanting to learn something new and useless today!! Don
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Author: Lirpa Loof
Date: 2000-04-02 03:19
Solution to problem: Feed the Pandas orange box rico reeds. The stores always have dozens of boxes and I don't know anybody who buys them.
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Author: jim lande
Date: 2000-04-02 04:16
Pandas eat bamboo leaves, and only from three species of bambo.
Perhaps they sharpen their claws on African blackwood.
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Author: Laur
Date: 2000-04-02 21:19
Soo - That's what thoes marks on my Clarinet is !
Laur
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Author: Shadow Cat
Date: 2000-04-02 23:07
I'm making my stupid pet human type this. On the klarinet e-mail list, Jennifer Jones already told Lelia that reed cane is not Donax, it's Arundo donax -- and Rich Gordley told her this morning that panda "bears" aren't real bears. They're related to raccoons. The raccoon that loots the trash cans here always claims the pandas are his cousins, but I thought he was only name-dropping.
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Author: Laur
Date: 2000-04-03 23:50
Hey don - what does "Vunderbahr" mean ?!!
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Author: Kontragirl
Date: 2000-04-04 00:36
Vunderbahr is German for wonderful....It's more of a phonetic spelling I guess. I always thought it was Wunderbar. But this is a clarinet BBoard, not a German spelling one, so I'll go put my nose back in my dictionary and try not to be so nit picky.
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Author: Don Berger
Date: 2000-04-04 02:11
Correct, K G, just my weird-humorous way of saying that I like what I've read above. I love word games and puns, and the old song "Wunderbar" keeps running thru my old head [of German ancestry] so ----, my intentional misspelling. Don
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Author: Eoin
Date: 2000-04-05 12:51
Instead of exterminating the pandas, we should be training them as clarinetists. Pandas are one of the only mammals to have evolved an extra finger on each hand - they have five fingers and a thumb on each of their front paws. (The five fingers are the equivalent of our five, while their "thumb" is developed from an extended wrist bone). This allows for a completely different fingering system on the clarinet: thumb hole on the back, ten finger holes on the front. All the little finger keys can be eliminated: no need for all those little finger drills B C# D# B C# D# and so on.
The pandas would have to be trained not to eat the reeds - whether they're a different species of bamboo or not, they taste good to pandas.
Pandas are not very good at adding colour to the melody, they project a very harsh black and white tone, but this could be worked on.
Pandas have double-barrelled names. They are always called something like chi-chi or lyang-lyang. This could cause problems. Because of this doubling, they tend to play only pp or ff. On the other hand, pandas are famous for not being very good at sex, but they might be good at doubling on sax.
Finally, I think we should consider the very important issue of whether bears would be allowed into orchestras. The Bear-lin Philharmonic should not be a problem, but the Vienna Philharmonic is still holding out - todate only one bear has been allowed into the ranks, as a token gesture towards equality.
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Author: Eoin
Date: 2000-04-05 12:57
Most pandas are raccoon-like animals and are not related to bears. The Giant Panda, which is the one which eats up our reeds, is actually not a panda at all and is usually classified as a bear, although there is some justtification for putting it a completely separate group.
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Author: Don Berger
Date: 2000-04-06 01:26
Eoin, please accept my "Vunderbahr", incidentally does anyone know the name of the [if any] musical in which it was a hit? Don
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Author: Mike M
Date: 2000-04-21 17:04
Never fear, Zonda reeds are grown in Panda-Free Argentina. And I think they are behind a clandestine effort to produce a fiber-cell Panda food.
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