 The Clarinet BBoard
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Author: jArius
Date: 2005-01-18 20:04
Now I know that you guys are a pretty humorous lot, so you have to have picked up some good band jokes over the years, you know, the type middle- and high-schoolers swap. Throw them in here, please!
Just a few to start out...
How do you know if the stage is level?
Whether or not the drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth!
(EAT DRUMS! HA HA HA HA...)
What's the difference between a dead skunk in the middle of the road and a clarinet in the middle of the road?
There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
Why does a saxophone have a curved bell?
'Cause it's a good place to hide their drugs!
Post any you can think of!
Jeremy Bruins
Proud member of the too-much-time-on-my-hands club.
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Author: Ken Shaw ★2017
Date: 2005-01-18 20:14
There was a guy so stupid he tried to play two clarinets.
They took them away, gave him two sticks and made him a drummer.
Through even greater stupidity, he lost one of the sticks.
So they made him the conductor.
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Author: John Stackpole
Date: 2005-01-18 20:16
How 'bout a whole book full...
"The Musician's Joke Book", by N. J. Groce, Simon & Schuster Macmillan, 1996
What's a tuba for? Usually about 1 1/2'' by 3 1/2''.
Its a god collection.
JDS
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Author: marcia
Date: 2005-01-18 20:27
Can we extend to orchestra since bands don't have string players??
How do you know ther eis a violist at your front door?
Can't find the key, doesn't know when to come in.
If you were lost, who would you ask for directions: a good violist, a bad violist, the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus?
A bad violist. Everyone knows the others don't really exist.
How many clarinet (insert your favourite reed instrument) players does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one but he needs a whole box to find one that works.
Those who can--do.
Those who can't--teach.
Those who can't teach--conduct.
What's the difference between an oboe and a bassoon?
A bassoon burns longer.
What's the difference between peeling an onion and burning an oboe?
No one cries when you burn an oboe.
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Author: Dan1937
Date: 2005-01-18 21:55
Here's the tale of "Chops" Morgan:
A number of years ago, rumor has it, that a major New York producer was putting together a huge musical extravaganza. He hired Leonard Bernstein to conduct, and called the musicians' union office to contract players. All the players the contractor wanted, he got -- until they arrived at who the first trumpet player would be. The union secretary stated that the only first trumpet player available was "Chops" Morgan.
The contractor knew that Morgan's reputation was not good; he had a history of being undependable, showing up late and "under the influence." But the union rep told the contractor that, since Morgan was the only player available, that he would have to hire him. Reluctantly, the contractor agreed.
There were to be two rehearsals for the band before the performance. Even Bernstein knew Morgan's reputation, and was uneasy about how things would go. For the first rehearsal, Morgan was there on time, bathed, freshly shaved, sober, and played flawlessly. Lenny began to breathe easier. For the second rehearsal, Morgan outdid himself -- he played even better. Bernstein called him aside after the rehearsal and said, "Mr. Morgan, I'm afraid I might be guilty of misjudging you. All these years I have heard such negative things about you, and nobody wanted to hire you. But you played these two rehearsals better than anyone I have ever directed. I hope you'll accept my apology."
Morgan responded: "That's OK, Mr. Bernstein. I wanted to do well for you these last two days, because I can't make the gig!"
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Author: marcia
Date: 2005-01-18 22:21
I play alto clarinet in the Pacific Symphonic Wind Ensemble. I thought the funniest thing in my part was "solo" till I saw "tutti"!! No joke. This is the truth!!
Marcia
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Author: Don Berger
Date: 2005-01-18 22:48
Brass bands are all very well in their place [outdoors and several miles away]. Thomas Beecham The Detroit Quartet played Brahms last night, Brahms lost. [Anon. critic] Please write music like Wagner, only Louder, Sam Goldwyn, instructing composer for a movie Humphrey Searle writes music that sounds like the theme from "Star Wars" played backwards, through a washing machine , Clive James "Nuff for now from my little Music Lovers Quotations booklet. Don
Thanx, Mark, Don
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Author: SGTClarinet_7
Date: 2005-01-18 23:16
What's the difference between a dress maker and a piccolo player?
One tucks up the frills and the other...
What's the diffrence between a bull and an orchestra (wind ensemble)?
The bull has the horns in front and the butt in the rear.
What do you get when you cross a trombone player and an ape?
A mentally challenged ape!
What do saxophonists use for contraception?
Their personalities!
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Author: GBK
Date: 2005-01-18 23:45
[ To all: There are MANY sites that have instrument jokes, musician jokes, orchestra jokes, conductor jokes, etc... Please DO NOT just copy them onto this thread. We have had this same topic posted a number of times before, therefore, please only add something NEW and/or ORIGINAL. Thanks - GBK ]
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Author: pzaur
Date: 2005-01-19 03:00
Heard this one today:
A "C" an "Eb" and a "G" walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve minors here."
The C and G respond, "That's OK, we'll split a fifth."
-pat
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Author: Katrina
Date: 2005-01-19 03:18
LOL!!! Pat, I literally just read that one today in my email!!!
And the Groce book is the BEST!!!
Unfortunately, my best instrument jokes could not possibly survive any sort of "good taste" (i.e. CLEAN) policies here...hehe
Katrina
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Author: clarinetmajr
Date: 2005-01-19 03:43
I had a director say once: "If we mess up either of these pieces we're going to end up looking like fools." The pieces were "I've got rhythm" and "It don't mean a thing if it ain't got that swing". He had a good point...
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Author: jArius
Date: 2005-01-19 04:19
GBK wrote:
> [ To all: There are MANY sites that have instrument jokes,
> musician jokes, orchestra jokes, conductor jokes, etc...
> Please DO NOT just copy them onto this thread. We have had this
> same topic posted a number of times before, therefore, please
> only add something NEW and/or ORIGINAL. Thanks - GBK ]
So GBK, which sites would those be? Now you've piqued my interest! I mean, you can't expect to get away that easily, can you? 
Jeremy Bruins
Proud member of the too-much-time-on-my-hands club.
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Author: GBK
Date: 2005-01-19 04:23
You can start with:
http://www.mit.edu/~jcb/jokes/
There is an extensive list of jokes in the bulletin board archives.
A search of the archives under "jokes" will bring up the MANY threads which we have already gone through ...GBK
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Author: Frodo
Date: 2005-01-19 04:43
Teacher asks a clarinet student who still squeaks a lot: "Where are you going?"
Student replies: "To play at the president's inauguration."
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Author: clarnibass
Date: 2005-01-19 05:51
A drummer moments before he was thrown out of the band: "Maybe we can play a song I wrote?"
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Author: William
Date: 2005-01-19 14:44
Definition: Percussionsist--a drummer who hangs around with musicians.
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Author: clarnibass
Date: 2005-01-19 17:51
OK here is a joke I like a lot, not sure others what everyone else would think.
A new conductor comes to work with an orchestra. They start playing and suddenly the conductor notice the first viola player looks like he is having a seizure. He keeps playing and he plays fine so the conductor ignores it. After a while the conductor noticed that the seizures are getting worse and he start to get scared. He stops the music and the seizures stops imediately. The conductor is surprised but asks the viola player if he is ok. The viola player says yes so they continue playing and suddenly the seizures continue and are worse than before. The conductor stops the music and the seizures stop. The conductor asks the violist: Is everything ok? You have seizures every time we start playing?" The violist reply: "I am fine, it's just that I hate music".
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Author: Ralph G
Date: 2005-01-19 18:20
Old Soviet joke:
Definition of a string trio -- a string quartet returning from a tour of the West.
________________
Artistic talent is a gift from God and whoever discovers it in himself has a certain obligation: to know that he cannot waste this talent, but must develop it.
- Pope John Paul II
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Author: John J. Moses
Date: 2005-01-19 22:58
On a big record date, a great Oboe player dies just as the date starts.
The conductor looks down at him, in horror, and asks, "What should we do now?" From inside the booth the arranger quickly replies, "We could try it on muted Trumpet?"
JJM
Légère Artist
Clark W. Fobes Artist
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Author: GBK
Date: 2005-01-20 00:03
You are in a room with a soprano sax player, an accordian player and an
alto clarinet player. You have a gun with only two bullets.
What do you do?
Shoot the alto clarinet player twice.
...GBK
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Author: clarnibass
Date: 2005-01-20 06:02
GBK, soprano sax, alto clarinet, and accordion? Hard to decide...
Anyway, I heard the same joke told about Hitler, Stalin, and Kenny G.
OK here is another one.
Seconds before the gig, the pianist talks to the other players of the jazz band. He reminds them to remember everything they practiced in the rehersal yesterday. Start in G major, go to F# minor, in the bridge play in 9/8 and D major, and the grand finale in 7/7 in B minor. The singer overhears that and start to panic. She walks over to the piano player and tells him that how the hell is she going to do that. She didn't even know they had a rehersal yesterday, she didn't go over any of this. The piano player tells her to calm down, and sing just like last week.
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Author: Don Poulsen
Date: 2005-01-20 14:01
World premiere of two jokes:
What do you call a musician who drives an expensive car?
Amateur.
What do you call a clarinetist who drives an expensive car?
Mr. Stolzman.
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Author: jArius
Date: 2005-01-22 04:37
How do you tell if there's a trumpet player at your door?
The knock always speeds up (or slows down, take your pick).
How do you tell if there's a clarinet player at your door?
The doorbell squeaks.
Jeremy Bruins
Proud member of the too-much-time-on-my-hands club.
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Author: Aussiegirl
Date: 2005-01-22 06:17
Whats the difference between baritone saxes and lawnmowers?
Vibrato!
How many 2nd trumpeters does it take to change a lighbulb?
None, they cant reach that high!
Whats the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
The bull has the horns at the front and the a**hole at the back...
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Author: BG
Date: 2005-01-22 13:15
How many players are in the Teamsters' String Quartet?
Twelve!!! DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT??????
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