 The Clarinet BBoard
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Author: JMcAulay
Date: 2004-10-17 06:43
Applying the same logic that brought us "Guns don't kill people, people do," and the lesser-known corollary, "Can openers don't open cans, people open cans," it is concluded:
Clarinets don't have bad intonation, Clarinet players do. Come to think of it, there are other similarities as well. In the wrong hands, a Clarinet can be a dangerous weapon. Each year thousands are people are killed, maimed, or at least annoyed by Clarinets. Some safety organizations are now campaigning to have all new Clarinet cases clearly marked, "Store out of the reach of children."
There soon may be legislation pending in Congress to restrict the sale of Clarinets and equip them with child safety devices. The powerful Clarinet lobby is, of course, opposed to this. There have been various proposals for requiring a so-called "trigger lock."
Efforts to enact a mandatory ten-day waiting period to purchase a Clarinet have been heretofore thwarted. This would allow a period of time for law enforcement to cross-check the purchaser's name against a national database of registered Clarinet offenders.
Law enforcement officials are particularly alarmed over the increase in crimes involving use of the "sawed off" Clarinet, also known as the "eefer." It has been demonstrated that these little screamers can be even more dangerous that their full-sized counterparts.
One response is the increased sentencing for those using a Clarinet while committing a felony ("use a Clarinet, go to jail"). This has been especially effective when used in conjunction with the new "Three sharps and you're out" laws passed in many states. Of course, such legislation (known in some jurusdictions as the "accidental law") may be less effective when applied to those using the A Clarinet.
The automatic and semiautomatic models are much more dangerous than the traditional single-manual Clarinets. The awesome destructive power of the double-trigger contrabass Clarinet could never have been imagined by the founding fathers when they granted us the right to keep and arm bears.
Remember: When Clarinets are outlawed, only outlaws will play "Stranger on the Shore."
Regards,
John
Post Edited (2004-10-17 06:50)
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Author: DavidBlumberg
Date: 2004-10-17 13:26
yup - and remember, a Clarinet Reed is a choking hazard in the wrong hands
Post Edited (2004-10-17 18:40)
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Author: clarinetwife
Date: 2004-10-17 13:40
JMcCaulay--
Do you have any contacts in the "powerful clarinet lobby"? I would like to propose a large contra building project for my city. Such an operation could provide hundreds of good jobs ;-}
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Author: msloss
Date: 2004-10-17 16:05
cw -- do you really want your town bombed for building instruments of mass destruction?
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Author: hans
Date: 2004-10-17 18:30
John,
I plan to buy a locker for my clarinets but, before I do, should it be big enough to hold my saxes as well, or are they considered less dangerous?
Regards,
Hans
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Author: clarinetwife
Date: 2004-10-17 20:20
msloss said >cw -- do you really want your town bombed for building instruments of mass destruction?
I thought about that, but then my husband reminded me of the theory of MAD -- Mutually Assured Decibels. If they give it to us with all their piccolos, we'll just get into our arsenal of eefers.
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Author: John O'Janpa
Date: 2004-10-17 21:48
They'll have to take my Signet Special out of my cold dead hands.
It's been a tradition, for centuries, to hunt the elusive "intonation" using clarinets. Once the technology evolved to "black wood", the maimng power became so great that protest groups banded together to oppose indiscriminate use. A proposal is being considered to require DNA samples a part of the licensing requirement for clarinets.
Each performance will have to prominently display the warning
"This performance was done by a professional, do not attempt this at home."
John
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Author: ken
Date: 2004-10-18 00:40
msloss wrote: "cw -- do you really want your town bombed for building instruments of mass destruction?"
--reminds me of a math professor recently detained at the Baltimore International Airport. It seems, he was suspected of terrorism for having an inordinate amount of rulers, protractors and calculators in his shirt pocket; Airport Security ultimately charged the man with attempting to board a plane carrying weapons of "math instruction". v/r Ken
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Author: Alseg
Date: 2004-10-18 01:26
Why oh why has Hollywood taken sides?
First off, the documentary " Fahrenheit R13" is definitely against the clarinet lobby.
Next, Babs Streisand has come out in favor of replacing black wood with plastic.
To add insult to injury, the recent Dan Blather--the "swift reed boat"-- report linking Francois Kloc with an attempt to state that Drucker actually uses a Brilhart mouthpiece made to look like a Lelandais.
What gives these people the right..........?
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Author: Ken Shaw ★2017
Date: 2004-10-18 15:10
Terrorists have begun carrying the lethal METAL clarinets through airline checkpoints, with deadly Reeds of Mass Destruction concealed inside. If you think a paper cut is bad, just wait until terrorists threaten you with the business end of a reed. The Death of a Thousand Reed Cuts is the cruelest cut of all, especially when mounted on a heavy metal clarinet.
Furthermore, we have credible, nonspecific information that terrorists are learning to mount a plastic reed on a mouthpiece and SUCK IN THROUGH THE BOTTOM, causing noise that can burst eardrums. Worse, the vibrating end can cut through solid rock faster than the Tasmanian Devil.
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Author: David Spiegelthal ★2017
Date: 2004-10-18 15:51
I read recently that Federal defense scientists have developed a means of neutralizing all Clarinet Weapons (wood, plastic or metal), using a swab pulled through the clarinet THE WRONG WAY --- swab gets stuck, clarinet is rendered harmless. Simple and effective.
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Author: Alseg
Date: 2004-10-18 18:32
Sorry to burst your bubble, Dave, but the terrorists have countered with the use of a swab that is made from the excretion of...get this...larvae.
I looks like a garott...in fact it was supposedly devised by the grand master terroristc - assassin, Tony " the worm" Garotti,
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Author: GEM
Date: 2004-10-18 18:36
I'd like to remind all of you that your vote counts and your voice can be heard in Washington. Join the NRA to day - the National REED Association - and help keep Congress pro-clarinet! (OK we'll settle for decently amateur-clarinet).
GEM
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Author: Fred
Date: 2004-10-18 19:37
Do you think this is the work of Osama Bin Haydn?
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Author: Todd W.
Date: 2004-10-18 20:46
David S. said:
"I read recently that Federal defense scientists have developed a means of neutralizing all Clarinet Weapons (wood, plastic or metal), using a swab pulled through the clarinet THE WRONG WAY --- swab gets stuck, clarinet is rendered harmless. Simple and effective."
Unfortunately the bill funding this is stuck (!) in the House Appropriations Committee because Republicans and Democrats are hopelessly deadlocked on which end of the clarinet (left or right) the swab should be inserted into to be going the wrong way.
Also there is concern that the bill may conflict with the No Swab Left Behind act.
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Author: Wes
Date: 2004-10-19 08:43
Someone asked the other day, "do you know what a gentleman is?"
No, I guess I don't.
A gentleman is someone who owns a clarinet but doesn't play it!
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Author: Don Poulsen
Date: 2004-10-20 15:40
As a reed-carrying member of the NCA (National Clarinetists Association) and owner of what some term "a weapon of bass destruction", I resent those who would undermine the Second Coda of the Constitution ("A well regulated Ensemble, being necessary to the entertainment of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Instruments, shall not be infringed.").
A person should not be prevented from pulling out a clarinet and blowing away any intruders into his household. One must be able to provide projection for one's family and household.
We should also be able to continue to enjoy hunting out the wild life, going out into the urban jungle, using our clarinets to blow away the animals out there and mounting their horns on our walls.
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Author: allencole
Date: 2004-10-21 18:05
A good compromise would be to require a certain amount of one-on-one training for new clarinet purchasers, in order to prevent intonation accidents in large ensembles.
Congress has also taken up the study of cheap, flimsy "school band specials" that are oozing into our markets from Asia.
Cheryl Crow would do well to write a song about the damage and grief caused by a Wal-Mart clarinet.
It's not just the student. It's the band, the listening public, and the truly unfortunate repairman who opens up one of these black plastic time bombs.
Allen Cole
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