 The Clarinet BBoard
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Author: wjk
Date: 2003-03-18 13:37
Can one's love of music have an adverse affect on one's personal relationships? Have BB readers had the experience of a partner becoming angry/resentful of one's love of/ committment to music?
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Author: Karel
Date: 2003-03-18 15:05
I am sure this will happen in ill-suited partnerships, with music just as easily as with sport. If one partner has a strong attachment to either of these "passtimes", a relationship with a person who does not share it will fall far short of perfect because one or the other will have to lose out. Find a partner with whom you can share your love of music, or you will have a constant strife on your hands.
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Author: Dee
Date: 2003-03-18 16:21
Well that depends.
1) How much time do you spend on your hobbies?
2) How much time do you spend with your partner?
3) Does your partner have compensating interests (clubs, sports, etc) so that he/she doesn't feel slighted?
4) Is your partner overly demanding of your time (i.e. wants all your non-work time)? This will always lead to problems no matter what you do.
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Author: Ralph G
Date: 2003-03-18 19:38
Gotta disagree with Karel. My wife doesn't know a thing about music, but after we got married last year, she had my clarinet overhauled, which allowed me to rejoin the summer municipal band after a 3-year stop from playing and started me off in a second life as an amateur clarinetist. She can't read a note, but she's been my biggest supporter.
Having different interests is entirely healthy. What's not healthy is completely abandoning your better half to pursue that interest. When you turn your wife into a clarinet widow, it's time to re-examine your priorities.
________________
Artistic talent is a gift from God and whoever discovers it in himself has a certain obligation: to know that he cannot waste this talent, but must develop it.
- Pope John Paul II
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Author: William Hughes ★2017
Date: 2003-03-18 20:41
If you buy an EEb Contra Alto on eBay, be sure and tell your wife about it sometime before the day it arrives at your home. Trust me.
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Author: Bob A
Date: 2003-03-18 23:32
My bride loves good music and maried me in spite of the fact that I play clarinet and never was really really good at it. Our marrriage has lasted 56 years. She still loves good music and puts up with my poor attempts to reproduce some! God bless her and all such.
Bob A
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Author: Pam H.
Date: 2003-03-19 00:53
My husband is very supportive of my musical addictions even though when we were first married, the most I was doing was singing. As long as he is not neglected and I support his photography as well.
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Author: Jim E.
Date: 2003-03-19 04:06
Karel's advice is exactly what worked for me. My wife and I will celebrate our 29th annaversary in June. We both were musicians long before we met, she's a pianist, and we both were very oriented toward classical music. We met in church, not through music, but the result was instant common ground through music. We also both sing, and participation in choirs has been an important sharing for us.
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Author: Karel
Date: 2003-03-19 11:42
wjk, I inferred from the way you put your question that your love of music was causing friction with and anger in your partner. On that assumption I dared to advise that such a relationship was not destined to succeed. Having different interests and skills can enrich a partnership, providing the differences do not cause disharmony. However, where they cause anger and resentment they are poisonous to long-lasting bonds. To illustrate, my wife is an excellent pianist, and I have been a listener of good music all my life. This has worked for us for 40 years, and now I am learning to play the clarinet myself with her enthusiastic support. That's what I meant.
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Author: David Spiegelthal ★2017
Date: 2003-03-19 15:44
My personal experience is: My wife is totally non-musical; her passion is horses. I am totally uninterested in horses, my passion is music. Both of our separate "hobbies" are time-consuming and can be expensive, and require a certain amount of tolerance and sometimes even direct support from the 'non-participant' spouse. We both understand the situation and try the best we can to support the other, although there certainly is friction from time to time. Despite this, I have no regrets about marrying my wife and would not want to spend my life with any other person. In an ideal world, I suppose she would be a musician too ---- but it's not an ideal world! Find the one you love, meet in the middle, and make the best you can out of the situation.
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Author: SusanB
Date: 2003-03-20 00:43
My husband totally supports my playing. I have been having some problems with my current mouthpiece setup (which you probably read about in my "small sound" post). I told him I wanted to try some Gregory Smith mouthpieces and Chadash barrels, and he was all for it! He said he just wants me to be happy...how sweet. So I am going to try 5 mouthpieces and two barrels in a few weeks. My husband is quite a singer... he is frequently asked to sing in various church productions, and I support him in that. He also likes to collect expensive rare books, and within reason, I support that for him, too. We compromise on the money spent sometimes, for both books and "clarinet toys."
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Author: sfalexi
Date: 2003-03-20 02:59
I think that while it would be nice for spouses to share in a common interest, there can't be "extremes". I would never want to be with someone who is completely uninterested in music, since it's a big part of my life. On the other hand, I would also never want to be in a relationship with someone who would bring it to a level of competition. Perhaps not for the same part, but who knows if they'd resent it when you get a better job than they do in the music industry or vice-versa?
I think that even if you're not interested in music, you should make an effort to support the other. Anything from attending performances, to taking up a new instrument of your own, or even just shouting, "THAT SOUNDS GREAT HONEY, BUT IT'S TIME FOR DINNER SO GET UP HERE OR I'LL CRACK THAT CLARINET OVER YOUR HEAD!"
While I wouldn't base a personal relationship on whether the other person likes music or not, I know that the music will be a big factor of my life and I personally want someone who will support my hobby. Not just tolerate it.
Alexi
US Army Japan Band
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Author: Laurie
Date: 2003-03-20 04:27
I can't stand to be in a relationship with someone that doesn't respect 100% what I do.. I can't tell you the amount of times that i've been told " Oh, you just go to a music school, It's not a REAL college.. you have it easy". or.. " You're doing what you love for life, It's not hard.. it's not work". See, that bothers me. I can't tell you the amount of relationships or friendships even, i've ended on account of that. How does one deal with that.. Should I just let it go, and shut up ? Maybe educate them on what exactally a music major does ? I don't know. I guess i need to be in a realationship in which my guy, appreciates and supports my love for music and my career choice.
Laur
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Author: graham
Date: 2003-03-20 07:31
For what its worth I am more on the Dee, Ralph G, David S side of this argument. There is more chance of anger/jealousy/resentment in two people who are keen players/singers where one of them feels they are not getting the breaks and opportunities they deserve by comparison with the other, or one feels they are not as good as the other and then become negative about themselves. If you have different interests, that sort of negative comparison is much less likely to surface.
It is often thought that a particular advantage of a relationship where you both identify strongly over certain interests etc. is that this creates better mutual understanding and good logistical effects. But always remember Elliott's law of reciprocating outcomes: For any perceived advantage in an arrangement there is at least an equal potential disadvantage where things start to go wrong. The bigger the apparent upside, the bigger the potential downside.
The essence of this is as Dee says, moderation in all things (except one's passion for one's other half).
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Author: Brenda
Date: 2003-03-20 11:34
In my case the clarinet has a real potential of becoming the "other man" in our lives. My husband married me for my singing, but neither of us knew at the time that the clarinet would come back into my life with such a passion. So I have to be careful to balance the two, making sure that I support him emotionally in his interests, make sure really good dinners are made on time, give him and the children quality attention, and when he's distracted with other things then PRACTICE, although that practice can easily slide into two and three hours at a stretch.
He tolerates this passion because he's seen how absolutely I'm taken with music. He's seen me in tears only because of a piece of music that's playing. Our relationship has developed and grown over the years, and just recently he told me that he would support a budding career in teaching. So it looks like the years of balancing the two loves has paid off. I have to realize that I don't live alone and have other responsibilities.
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Author: Synonymous Botch
Date: 2003-03-20 16:20
It's the hoarding of time that spouses resent... we marry (presumably) to spend time together.
At least clarinets don't need to be fed, or treated for cribbing disorders.
It has been my experience that the planned excursions with your spouse offer two opportunities for companion-ing;
1) The anticipatory planning stage
2) The actual event
Do yourself a favor, take up ballroom dancing... and take your wife out for some mutually enjoyable event, already.
No whining if you ignore the obvious warning and things get worse.
Schedule your practice time, and stick to it... no pick up gigs or extended sessions allowed...
You know what you need to do-strike a balance.
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Author: ken
Date: 2003-03-20 20:58
I would take my wife out more often but it cuts into my practice time too much. <;-D
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Author: Synonymous Botch
Date: 2003-03-20 23:24
Attachment: Passport photo.jpg (4k)
I suppose when you reach a certain age, she'll be encouraging you to take on more gigs.... about the time hair grows more readily out of your ears than on your head.
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Author: Synonymous Botch
Date: 2003-03-21 20:23
My long-lost cousin... the only one that made good off the farm.
(We were so proud when he tweaked Tom Cruise.)
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Author: ken
Date: 2003-03-21 22:10
I had lunch with Wilford Brimley a couple years ago; fine hollywood actor with an impressive resume; very humble man, a perfect gentlemen, down to earth and a patriotic American; I AM glad I don't look like him though, he's a diabetic and has to watch what he eats and drinks.
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