 The Clarinet BBoard
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Author: Morrigan
Date: 2003-01-27 12:49
I suffered from depression most of last year. I got through it, although I still feel at a loss sometimes.
At times, 90% of the time when I'm not practising, I can feel quite down. The feeling is only tempoary, usually passes in an hour or so. I wonder about the future; 'will I make it or not', 'this person and that person is better than me', etc. etc. I've chatted to my teacher about this and he gave me some great advice, and we talked about these being 'irrational thoughts'.
A few months on, I still get this feeling every now and again. It really cripples my playing because it will actually stop me from practising days at a time. I'm really serious about having a career as a clarinetist and I work very hard at it, however, I'm not so sure I'm willing to take myself so seriously, and keeping positive is difficult at the best of times.
Anyone who actually knows me in person will know I can come across very confident on stage, but I'm really not, and I don't want to 'fake it' anymore; I hate to give a false impression of what's really going on in my mind.
Anything that anyone has to say would be great, thanks again guys =]
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Author: Mark Sloss
Date: 2003-01-27 13:29
We all have our insecurities. I, and I'm sure many others, had plenty of self-doubt going through university. That's part of the process of determining whether you've got the right stuff to be in this business.
However, "depression" is a pretty strong word, and if you are serious that this is what you are feeling, don't mess around -- go get some professional help. I'm not trying to be glib. The biz is tough enough without having to wrestle with your own emotional wellness.
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Author: Brian Peterson
Date: 2003-01-27 13:39
Morrigan,
I concur wholeheartedly with Mark.
There are the blues and we all go through them and then there is depression. It's something you really don't want to mess with. Get an appointment with your doctor right away. Talk honestly with him/her about how you've been feeling and together you can start to deal with it with medicine and/or counseling.
The good news is that by and large depression is a treatable illness. You don't have to live this way at all. I've known a lot of people through the years who have wrestled with depression, who were about as low as low can be. But having gotten the help they needed, they're doing just great now, loving life and feeling good about themselves.
Best wishes.
Brian Peterson
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Author: JMcAulay
Date: 2003-01-27 13:46
Neils Bohr said: "Some things are too serious to be taken seriously." You can overwhelm yourself with desire to do a certain thing to such an extent that your mind begins playing those tricks: "I'm not really good enough for this." "People would laugh at me if they really knew how I feel." "All this practicing is just a waste of time." And all sorts of other negative feelings.
A comment by George Burns on the entertainment industry: "The most important thing in Hollywood is sincerity. And once you can fake that, you've got it made." Acting is pretending of the highest degree, and other forms of entertainment are, at least in their presentations, the same. If you intend to be a performer, then perform. As long as your motivation to perform outweighs your reluctance to display yourself to the public at large, you can make it. Whether you have plenty of confidence or are pretending to have confidence is irrelevant. Even pretending to play the Clarinet might work, although you'd better have the skills and ability to do it. At least, perhaps you can pretend to believe you're good enough. After some period of time, maybe you'll actually believe it.
And by the way, be not concerned with whether you are better than anyone else. That does not matter. Consider only whether you are good enough.
Judging by your postings here on the BB, you are headed in the right direction professionally. The now-and-then drop into a position of low self-esteem is something that happens to everyone once in a while, it should be considered normal, and it won't kill you. For that, you must have a complete absence of self-esteem, and one must actually escape from the concern and support of others to reach that point Your posting says you are nowhere near that level. If you stay down in the dumps fairly constantly, professional counselors can provide amazing help. These are people who have the background to understand a wide spectrum of "thought loops," and their suggestions often can provide ways into more positive thought patterns.
My opinion? Based on your prior posts, you are obviously a pretty good Clarinet player and getting better all the time. Keep on doing what you're doing, except stop worrying about it. "Don't worry" is, of course, easier said than done. But you must try, or you'll never get there. You should be playing for enjoyment. Enjoy every minute you play, even on days when you aren't doing well (and *everybody* has them). The more you enjoy it, the better you'll play -- and the better you play, the more you'll enjoy it.
Regards,
John
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Author: Ken Shaw
Date: 2003-01-27 15:35
Morrigan -
While everybody gets down, being down most of the time is a seriously different problem, and I can tell you from personal experience it's not anything you can fight through simply by will-power. Being down 90% of the time is something you need professional help for, and, almost undoubtedly, some sort of medication.
It's a physical, chemical problem, and not anything you've done or not done, or anything anybody else has done to you.
Find a medical doctor who can prescribe appropriate medications and isn't afraid to do so. No two meds work the same, and people vary in their response, so it may take several months to find a med, or a combination of them, that works for you.
They won't cure everything, but they'll make life bearable.
Hang on! Get help!
Ken Shaw
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Author: d dow
Date: 2003-01-27 17:05
Deare Morrigan:
I think that the most important thing is how you feel about yourself. If you find that much of the time you are spending say, "I could do this better or that", then we all have a problem enjoying what we are "doing".
Music should be a joy, not something you worry about whether your better than player x or y. This means being less hard on yourself and allowing yourself to learn and make music AS BEST AS "YOU" CAN, NOT an abstract thing.
If you get a doctor, make sure they diagnose correctly your condition, and have a physical examination done as well.
Health problems of various types can and do make people feel different from their otherwise normal self. I would hasten to add watch how you eat and avoid NEGATIVE people who will bring you "down" so to speak ...
.depression can be managed and this only when the patient and doctor work as a team. Serious depression can be very dehabilitating, and if the clarinet is a positive thing you enjoy then I would not give one iota what others think except your teacher and yourself. ]
Best wishes DD
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Author: Alex
Date: 2003-01-27 18:57
On a side note...
Whenever I think I know everything there is to know about something, or when I think I'm doing something the best it can be done, is the one time when I most assuredly am not doint it well at all.
As long as you know there's a better way to do it, you can keep improving and make your clarinetting an ongoing process. In high school I thought I was "it" when it came to the clarinet, and college was a rude awakening. I now think "For goodness' sake, I didn't know how to tongue!"
Music, perhaps more than anything else, I would say is impossible to perfect. There is always something you could do differently, better, more uniquely, or more musically. As long as you realize this and try for it, you are on the right track as a musician.
Personally, I find the best place for me to be in an ensemble is around people who, to me, sound "much better than me" because it gives me something to try for. Keeps things fresh, and stops you from getting stuck in a rut. The very fact that I'm in the ensemble means that I'm good enough to be there, so I must play all right.
The tendency is to find fault in the things that you do poorly. Maybe you aren't quick enough on staccato runs, and the person who sits next to you is, so you naturally assume that you are a "bad" player. But there's probably something that you do "better" than the other person that you just don't realize.
Best wishes!
-Alex
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Author: Eileen
Date: 2003-01-27 19:54
Yes, you should talk to a professional about your depression. Being NOT depressed only 10% of the time that you are not immersed in practicing is preventing you from enjoying your life.
Sometimes it is easy to get caught up in the rat race. You can start thinking that I have to reach certain benchmarks or I'm a failure. The keeping-up-with-the-Jones mentality. Whenever I find myself thinking that way, I keep repeating a line from a favorite song of mine: "Success on someone else's terms don't mean a f---ing thing." A challenge in life is to decide what works for YOU (not for someone else). Once you've tackled some of the depression, you can evaluate whether you're stressing out irrationally (to quote your teacher) or whether the answer is that you need to find success on your own terms. Which may or may not include being a "serious" clarinetist or performing on stage. But will include success at something which will make you happy.
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Author: James
Date: 2003-01-27 21:17
Morrigan-
I understand how you feel becuase I went through it last year. What you need to is go get some help. It's nothing to be ashamed of, if this is really hurting your playing and more importantly, yourself, then go see a doctor, there is no shame in it.
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Author: Laura
Date: 2003-01-28 01:09
I don't think you need to go to a doctor to get checked out. I was in the same boat you are now. I was depressed during college and the end of high school, on and off, sometimes worse than others. The depression sessions lessoned as the years went by. And it was largely related to music. I think every musician goes through this. This is the point where musicians quit or not.
I think people are too quick to say go to the doctor and get medication. Medication only supresses your feelings, it doesn't fix it. You need to work through the depression, feel every bit of hurt and figure out why you are depressed. And once you feel that, then you can pass through it. It makes you understand yourself better. What helped me out a lot was writing in a journal. Even though it was the same stuff over and over, it helped me get it out when there really wasn't anyone (other than my teacher) who understood what I was going through.
We can't be happy all the time. Life has to have its ups and downs. Just push through it. If you feel you are not strong enough to get through it and afraid of commiting suicide, then I suggest go to a counselor.
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Author: Morrigan
Date: 2003-01-28 02:21
Thanks guys. Just a few things though.
Committing suicide has NEVER crossed my mind. Only stopping playing the clarinet... I want to be a musician, not a clarinetist. It's this instrumentally-specific competition that gets me down. My teacher tells me I have unrealistic expectations of myself and so develop self-esteem problems, leading to depression. I've been good for a few months now, but in the past week it's come back, right when I'm about to start college.
I don't know if I'll make it through. I don't know if I can sit in a practise room for 6 hours a day, for three years, then, do it for the rest of my life without a teacher to see once a week. The joy isn't creating music through the clarinet anymore - it's creating it, in any form. I compose too, and spend just as much time doing that as I do the clarinet. I'm afraid to 'switch' over to composition in fear it would become the same as the clarinet. yet I've come so far on the clarinet, I wouldn't be doing myself justice by simply stopping.
I also believe I think about it too much!
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Author: ken
Date: 2003-01-28 02:49
I know you're at the stage where you want to settle down to a lot of hard work.
But, make sure you cut yourself some slack - get out and about, keep up with friends and please try not to get self esteem mixed up with musical achievement!
All the best
Ken
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Author: Jim E.
Date: 2003-01-28 03:53
I was going to say something a bit trite about the time of year, cold weather and short days and all... Then I remembered you are in Australia and it is summer for you.
I think your first post made the same impression on a number of folk that it did on me, and it indeed sounded like chemically induced depression which is a serious chronic condition. Your second post makes it sound more like student career jitters, performance anxiety, and "the usual" emotional growing pains we all seemed to expierence. If the second is the case, then lighten up some and try to enjoy life more. If you aren't sure, please seek professional help as chronic depression is both serious and treatable.
Realizing that the clarinet is a tool of musical expression and not an end of its own definitely shows your growth as a musician and artist.
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Author: Bob
Date: 2003-01-28 18:13
There's something somewhere about how many defeats Abraham Lincoln had before he became President that might uplift your spirits.
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Author: Bart Hendrix
Date: 2003-01-28 21:37
Although, unfortunately, not particularly uncommon, feeling depressed a significant portion of the time is not normal. Depressed and suicidal are not synonyms, though at times they do go together. In the vast majority cases, the least qualified person to accurately diagnose depression and its level of severity is the person who is suffering. If you are feeling depressed a significant portion of the time it is time to get professional help.
If there is actually a depression problem, there are a variety of approaches to treating it. If he/she does not refer you, your family doctor is most likely to approach the problem with drugs -- and there is a wide variety of drugs available with differing impacts on different individuals. A psychotherapist will not (cannot) prescribe drugs, but will approach the problem with psychotherapy. A psychiatrist (depending on background and training) might take either approach or both at the same time. You can select the approach that best fits your attitudes and life style.
In any event, the first stop is an open and frank discussion with your own doctor and a physical examination to rule out any other possible causes. The two possible outcomes are: 1) that you discover you are perfectly healthy and need no outside help or 2) that you have a problem and are able to start dealing with it. Why not find out? Denial never helped anyone.
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Author: Synonymous Botch
Date: 2003-01-28 22:26
Perhaps spending time out in the open - where the computer is not your window to the world?
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Author: Morrigan
Date: 2003-01-28 23:58
Thanks synonymous... Will do when it cools down. It's been well over 40 degrees (celsius) here lately. There's nothing to do but sit in front of the computer with the fan on!!!
This is just the thing though. Today, I feel great, I feel fine, the future's not so bleak. But tomorrow I may feel different. Who knows. In fact tomorrow I have that audition and frankly I don't even want to get into this orchestra, it's too involved in politics, but hey, I'll go along and audition anyway, perhaps slightly unprepared. *knock on wood* I'll probably get in simply because I don't care LOL.
Medication is not an option. No way. About two years ago, I took medication for acne, and it was AWFUL. SO many side-effects, including mood swings etc. etc. However, this leads me to the possibility that maybe this on and off depression is a remaining side-effect from this other medication - I was on it for almost a year, and DOES have ongoing side effects, not sure if this is one of them.
Thanks for your help guys!
-Mr. Optimistic =]
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Author: Charles
Date: 2003-01-29 08:42
The response to this thread are a real credit to the humanity of the people who follow this BB - it is hard to believe that you could get so much advice on depression from clarinetists!
Here is my three pence worth - Morrigan, I am a doctor and can understand your negative feelings about anti-depressive medication. I have followed recent research in the use of Bhuddist meditation (mindfullness meditation it is often called) in reducing the relapse rate in depression. The short answer is that it does really work and the research reports are from top workers in the area. Look for "mindfulness meditation" on Google or perhaps look for a website relating to Professor Mark Williams who has recently moved to Oxford - he has co-authored a book on the subject.t
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Author: Mark Charette
Date: 2003-01-29 12:10
To add just a bit - one poster said "don't see a doctor; work it out yourself" (or something similar). That can be a very dangerous prescription. If you're at the point where you're depressed, you don't know why you're depressed, and things don't seem to be getting better - see a doctor! It might be nothing ... it might be something ... but no doctor would hazard a long-range guess as to what the problem might be, and few of us are doctors to begin with!
Medications may or may not be prescribed, but at this point we have no idea of the cause. Don't wait, go on out and make that appointment. They'll probably just say that it's within the norm, but even <b>knowing</b> that there's nothing clinically wrong can help you out!
Not all medications are the same - don't confuse the side effects of one with another. I know you know that, but when you say "Medication is not an option" I think it's fear, not intellect, that's talking.
Take care,
Mark C.
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Author: Sneakers
Date: 2003-01-30 04:55
Morrigan - I spent many years struggling with depression, getting occasional help with counseling, but never really sticking with it long enough to overcome my problems. Then finally I completely fell apart. I had no interest in anything, especially the clarinet. I couldn't work or focus on anything. I was like that for about 4 years. I was like you, in that I worried a lot about how I played the clarinet in comparison to others. In fact, I pretty much worried about how I did everything in comparison to others. This last time I stuck with counseling. I also take anti-depressants that have helped me to feel well enough to care about getting better. The medications did not cure my depression, they just gave me the will and energy to deal more effectively with my problems. The counseling has helped me gain a better perspective on how important(or unimportant) my disappointments and frustrations are. It took several tries with medications to find the combination that worked best for me. I use to dwell on disappointments and failures for days, weeks, months, and years until they made me sick. Now, I still get disappointed when things don't go the way I had hoped, but I usually get over it within a day. I am playing the clarinet again, taking lessons and hoping to go on to graduate school. I am the happiest I ever remember being in my life.
I recommend that you do as others have suggested. See a doctor to see if you are depressed or just going through the normal ups and downs of life. If you give up the clarinet because you are depressed now, you may find out later that it wasn't the clarinet causing your problems and encounter similiar problems with anything you try to do. Good luck to you!
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Author: Vikki
Date: 2003-02-01 19:01
Hi Morrigan
Firstly I would like to say I am sorry for the way you are feeling at the moment.
I left my clarinet lessons in my prime at 13 when I moved away from my friends and family which was a pretty tough time. The love of my life (music) was left at the age of 13 and I have only just rediscovered it due to the support of my fiance buying me a clarinet for Xmas. However, I took my first lesson last week and I am now having these feelings like "Am I good enough for this?" and "will I be a failure" and wrestling with determination in throwing away all those years when I wasn't becoming a good clarinet player.
Would just like to say that you are not alone in your feelings and hope you feel much better about things very soon. Whatever you do, don't give up on your clarinet as it will support you through all of this and will still be there when you are feeling better.
Vikki
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