 The Clarinet BBoard
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Author: Ken
Date: 2003-01-08 14:28
Folks, although off topic (and with Mark's indulgence) I thought we'd all enjoy a comedic, anecdotal diversion from the daily grind of our beloved craft. Here is a short collection of literary gems taken from REAL High School Essays ... some absolutely priceless. And, you got to know, more than one of these young people just has to be a clarinet player. ENJOY!
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
-Sue
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
-Chuck
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a Guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
-Joseph
She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that dangles from a screen door flys up whenever you bang the door open again.
-Rich
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
-Russell
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
-Paul
Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access
T:flw.quid55328.comaaakk/ch@ung but gets T:flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by
mistake.
-Kenny
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever!
-Belinda
The hailstones leaped from the pavement just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
-Gary
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
-Jennifer
The politician was gone but unnoticed, kind of like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
-Wayne
He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
-Brian
Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
-Sandra
"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.
-Bonnie
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine.
-John
Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.
-Barbara
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
-Susan
The ballerina raised gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
-Jennifer
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, just like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
-Paul
The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.
-Sammy
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
-John
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
-Brian
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
-Jonathan
Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.
-Suzy
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Author: Keith Ferguson
Date: 2003-01-08 15:20
Reminds me of an old anecdote about a student's essay that included the phrase "...she tripped and fell prostitute on the floor." The teacher's comment was that the student needed to learn to distinguish between a fallen woman and one who had merely lost her balance.
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Author: Bryan
Date: 2003-01-08 16:29
Hey, the one about the duck is actually pretty good.
I don't know if any of them are clarinet players, but I can say that some of them will grow up to be novelists. I'm a copyeditor and proofreader by trade (and I've read a lot of slush, too), working on soon-to-be-published books, and I have seen much worse.
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Author: Todd W.
Date: 2003-01-08 21:40
Ooop, forgot to mention that that particular week's contest is probably not accessible from the site referenced (except maybe from a search of the archives--didn't newpapers used to call their archives the morgue?), because this contest apparently dates back to 1995. On the site are other contests from that series.
Todd W.
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Author: Michael McC.
Date: 2003-01-09 20:19
My favorite came from someone in history class, in an essay:
"Andrew Jackson, in the election of 1836, promised to give free t-shirts and CDs to anyone who voted for him."
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