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 Clarinet Bulletin Board Poetry Contest
Author: GBK 2017
Date:   2009-03-18 20:42

At the request and urging of Dave Spiegelthal, we are now accepting submissions for the:

1st (and maybe the last) Clarinet Bulletin Board Poetry Contest.

Mark and I have decided that this event could be a nice diversion from the often mundane and repetitive discussions which take place almost daily on the bulletin board.

We will be the sole judge of all entries and our decision is final.


The simple rules are as follows:

1. All entries must be original works created by yourself.

2. All submissions must have the word "clarinet" somewhere in the poem.

3. Any form of poetry, limerick, rhyming verse, etc... is acceptable, however extra consideration will be given to those that rhyme and read pleasingly with consistent rhythm and number of syllables.

4. Clever rhymes, humor and current discussion topics (you all know what they are) related to the clarinet, clarinet playing and its joys and frustrations are most welcome.

5. Please post your submissions only on this thread. Do not comment on others' works as it may or may not influence the outcome.

6. Unlike auditions, you may enter and submit as many original poems as you wish.

7. [ Late addition - MC ] No matter how good GBK thinks he is - he can't win. I, on the other hand, am so bad I will not embarrass myself by entering.


The winner will be announced after a designated time period to be determined, or when we've all grown bored and tired of reading these attempts.

The winning participant will be crowned "Clarinet Poet Laureate" for the calendar year 2009 and will receive five (5) vintage sealed Vibrator clarinet reeds from 1978, strength 2 1/2 (original cost was 25 cents each - today's value, probably less).

So....put down your clarinet and let's see how creative you REALLY are. [wink]

...GBK

 
 Re: Clarinet Bulletin Board Poetry Contest
Author: GBK 2017
Date:   2009-03-18 21:12

Just to break the ice, I'll start:


The clarinet, for years I've enjoyed.
Its beauty, you cannot avoid.
But my dad got the fear
That no jobs would appear.
And for life I'd be underemployed.


...GBK

 
 Re: Clarinet Bulletin Board Poetry Contest
Author: David Spiegelthal 2017
Date:   2009-03-18 21:24

For the contest idea I will take the responsibility, but not the blame.
So as not to leave our Highly-Esteemed Moderator hanging out there alone, I humbly(?) submit the following:



If the clarinet well I could play
in nice clubs for that fine, tony pay,
I'd no more have to heed
calls to buy a new reed
'cause they'd GIVE me a brand new Buffet!

 
 Re: Clarinet Bulletin Board Poetry Contest
Author: Hank Lehrer 2017
Date:   2009-03-18 21:27

GBK,

I'm thinking, I'm thinking...

But I do know that I do not want to do a spur-of-the-moment, one-off submission like I probably would have done for something less serious than the CPL.

This effort must be a well conceived, thoughtful, and an exceedingly humble opus. It's like Groundhog Day; it comes but once a year.

HRL

 
 Re: Clarinet Bulletin Board Poetry Contest
Author: David Spiegelthal 2017
Date:   2009-03-18 21:33

Aw c'mon, Dr. Hank, be spontaneous! You mustn't be an engineer and over-think this one.................

 
 Re: Clarinet Bulletin Board Poetry Contest
Author: weberfan 
Date:   2009-03-18 21:52




OK.
Here's spontaneous haiku:

The clarinet chokes
On a warped Vandoren 3.
A Cane Mutiny.

 
 Re: Clarinet Bulletin Board Poetry Contest
Author: Chris J 
Date:   2009-03-18 21:54

Considering musical ability
Let us look no further than Bliss
Arousing emotional fragility
Reworked masters a hit, not a miss
In case this poem seems biased
No balance, and makes you feel terse
Exclaim your frustration out loud
Then put your views down in verse

Chris
PS For rule 2, see first letter of each line...

 
 Re: Clarinet Bulletin Board Poetry Contest
Author: Old Geezer 
Date:   2009-03-18 22:03


This board has it's English pedant T.P.
And a frozen clarinet nut from Iceland;
Bit the most tiresome of the wheezers
Is that bleery opinionated Old Geezer!

Clarinet Redux

 
 Re: Clarinet Bulletin Board Poetry Contest
Author: Chris J 
Date:   2009-03-18 22:37

There once was a clarinet from China,
Intonation and keyword did suck
Try as hard as you might
To play was a fright
To the point that you couldn't give a second thought to what happened to it after you threw it across the room

 
 Re: Clarinet Bulletin Board Poetry Contest
Author: Chris J 
Date:   2009-03-18 22:46

To a well known tune....

My clari is all black and shiny
My clari's a wonderous sight
But because it all needs repadding
I don't have my clarinet tonight

Oh bring back, oh bring back, oh bring back my....etc

Chris

 
 Re: Clarinet Bulletin Board Poetry Contest
Author: kilo 
Date:   2009-03-18 23:35

What sound is that — I think I know!
Could only be the chalumeau.
Rich and warm and deep and woody
Talk of tone, this is a goodie!

Please excuse me for my tarryin',
But I must hearken to the clarion.
So bright, so clear, like bells a-ringing
One might imagine angels singing!

A high-pitched squeal that carries so
It must be the altissimo.
With such a range, who could forget
The supple, fluid clarinet?



Post Edited (2009-03-19 18:37)

 
 Re: Clarinet Bulletin Board Poetry Contest
Author: clariknight 
Date:   2009-03-19 00:56

Inside a shadow I stand alone and I breath the wind and fire,
Wearily I stride towards fate but ne'er do I tire,
Calmly worried that all is well and perhaps I will have fright,
The halls are chattering on and on, I reach my fate tonight.

With all in hand I perch upon a wooden step that speaks,
It tells me that my mind is clear and that my legs are weak,
That things have passed and by no fair sign, the world has called for me,
My face betrays my mind's intent, it shows not but glee,
Fingers clinched tightly round they know the world will judge,
A creation as bold as creation itself, a reason to indulge,
The warnings pass and things do come, they quickly reappear,
My mind stops to think its thoughts and suddenly I appear.

A darkest place has come about and my shadow trails behind,
No longer does it offer a fair kinship, a solemn place to hide,
And yet still forth I am pressed with will until I can be seen,
The single bladed attack of noise comes not unwillingly,
Like the world has shook itself apart I feel the light collapse,
Until all has reached a resting point and once again fires the synapse;

It all goes quick and I have not time to worry or wonder why,
All things that do come well, come in greater time,
Yet by the end I see that now the world does end too,
And my clarinet and I are given our fair and well deserved adieu.

Sorry for the length :)

 
 Re: Clarinet Bulletin Board Poetry Contest
Author: Earl 
Date:   2009-03-19 04:10

I remember it well
That bright fall day
My first Clarinet
Arrived from e-bay
The case was beat up
The horn was not new
But it was wood
Black wood all Through
I put it together
And slapped on a reed
I played my first note
My soul had been freed

Earl

 
 Re: Clarinet Bulletin Board Poetry Contest
Author: Earl 
Date:   2009-03-19 04:22

I should be practicing

Bumbling stumbling
fumbling through
What is that note?
Whats this key do?
There’s a bridge
I can’t cross!
A note I can’t hit!
I think I’m having
A clarinet fit!

Earl

 
 Re: Clarinet Bulletin Board Poetry Contest
Author: Katrina 
Date:   2009-03-19 04:27

Can you hear the sound of it?
Listen closely
Amazing tone
Rich and smooth
Intriguing melodies exude
Never have I made such a sound
Every note beautiful
Tango to Waltz, dancing with my clarinet

 
 Re: Clarinet Bulletin Board Poetry Contest
Author: skygardener 
Date:   2009-03-19 05:36

#1
It's been ten long years since I last played a note,
In one great big squeek, my clarinet broke,
Now the only thing left is a semi-nice lamp,
That I sometimes use when it's dark or damp.

#2
Sometimes when I open the case,
I get a dust cloud in my face,
I've too many clarinets to play all in one day,
But the dust don't lie in any which way.
It tells that tick-tocking time,
Has passed far too long,
For my clarinet... and I.



Post Edited (2009-03-20 15:13)

 
 Re: Clarinet Bulletin Board Poetry Contest
Author: Nessie1 
Date:   2009-03-19 09:04

I love to play my clarinet
I practise every day
'cos practice it makes perfect
At least that's what they say
I play my long notes and my scales
Going up and coming down
But never those pieces by Stockhausen
Where you dress up as a clown.

Vanessa.

 
 Re: Clarinet Bulletin Board Poetry Contest
Author: b.roke 
Date:   2009-03-19 09:15

i wanted to get
a clarinet.
so i did!

 
 Re: Clarinet Bulletin Board Poetry Contest
Author: rsholmes 
Date:   2009-03-19 11:01

Clarinet baronet
Hyacinthe E. Klose's
system was praised from
Calcutta to Nome

Neo-acoustical
redesign of the keys
made the world laugh and shout,
"This thing's the Boehm!"

(except Germany)



 
 Re: Clarinet Bulletin Board Poetry Contest
Author: pg@writeability.com 
Date:   2009-03-19 12:32

A DITTY:

To play a scale in one long breath
To play a tune so sweet
To play a passage up and down
To play right on the beat
To play a song in morning light
To play until sunset
You need one thing and nothing more --
You need a clarinet

AND A LIMERICK:

There once was a farmer named Nick
For whom clarinet was his schtick
Just like Antony Pay
It was Mozart, he’d play
On those days when his cows called in sick



Post Edited (2009-03-19 12:36)

 
 Re: Clarinet Bulletin Board Poetry Contest
Author: skygardener 
Date:   2009-03-19 15:02

#3
I play every day
because that's what they say
is good for your chops and pitch.
Once, I went 5 whole days
Without playing a note
And my teacher then said,
"You sound like a JOKE!"

#4
Can you name the
Lovely woman that sat in her chair
And practiced with care?
Rudiments and scales were
No bore to her
Even when
The weather was fair.



Post Edited (2009-03-19 16:11)

 
 Re: Clarinet Bulletin Board Poetry Contest
Author: Liquorice 
Date:   2009-03-19 15:35

Acker Bilk and his Paramount Jazz Band
made some cash on demand for their Dixieland,
but Acker earned more
playing Stranger on the Shore
with vibrato from here to Gondwanaland!

 
 Re: Clarinet Bulletin Board Poetry Contest
Author: David Spiegelthal 2017
Date:   2009-03-19 16:36

The clarinet is an illogical beast,
with strange toneholes spread over its body.
And reeds that we use which so often refuse
to play right; plus weak keywork that's shoddy.

Whoever designed it was doing some coke!
Of this I am most certain is true.
Mechanically it's a ridiculous joke
(but then maybe he was sniffing glue?)

The design is a Rube Goldberg mess that's packed dense
with long linkages, small screws and cork;
an acoustical nightmare that makes as much sense
as a cornfield in downtown New York.

The thing shouldn't work, shouldn't make sound at all
like the bumblebee really can't fly!
Yet we still practice hard, then to Carnegie Hall
bring our clarinets, concerts to try.....

In the Book of Lost Causes our instrument must
rank way up towards the top of the list,
still we fret over reeds, playing scales at high speeds,
and the sharps and the flats that we missed.

Why we do this is crazy, I really don't know
what compels us, I'm making no bets!
All I know is that when it is time for the show
we're all out there with our clarinets.

 
 Re: Clarinet Bulletin Board Poetry Contest
Author: stimsonaa 
Date:   2009-03-19 22:45


This thing to talk about is much akin
to dancing on the Eiffel Tower's peak:
A way of speaking with no words to speak
as magically the air is made to spin

around a corner where it meets an ear-
a passer-by is made to stop and feel
emotions caused by nothing but the wheel
of wind from things invisible yet near;

They conjure lives of distant memory
as Lutoslawski dances with the sky;
Beethoven walks and weeps for joy in fields
While Weber bares his heart in Opera halls...

The passer passes, shedding care, regret,
all from the sound of one small clarinet.

 
 Re: Clarinet Bulletin Board Poetry Contest
Author: Ed Palanker 2017
Date:   2009-03-20 01:50

I'm just an old clarinet player
who's lips have become hard as leather
though my heart is as soft as a feather
my tone keeps getting better and better
so I keep practicing every day so I can hone, hone, hone
simply because I just have to love my tone.
ESP (Peabody/BSO)
http://eddiesclarinet.com

 
 Re: Clarinet Bulletin Board Poetry Contest
Author: Neil 
Date:   2009-03-20 02:48

There was a young man from Orange
Whose clarinet's keys were silver
He sometimes was anxious
And sometimes was angry
But he hadn't played in a month

Sometimes nothing rhymes

 
 Re: Clarinet Bulletin Board Poetry Contest
Author: David Spiegelthal 2017
Date:   2009-03-20 02:50

Chinese clarinet :
bright plastic neon colors!
But beware the sound




(please forgive me --- my first attempt at quasi-haiku)

 
 Re: Clarinet Bulletin Board Poetry Contest
Author: graham 
Date:   2009-03-20 08:30

Tone Minuet

My Amati sounds quite farty;
My Martels - like peeling bells.
But my Hawkes too often squawks,
And my 1010 dongs like Big Ben.
ll: E flat Uebel's never feeble,
{1.p/2.f}
Nor my Basset Buffet whoofy :ll [to Coda]

Being British, I think: "TONE";
I leave that "MUSIC" thing alone. [D.S. al coda, senza repeat]

Coda:
Mouthpiece - Clarinet - Fermata - Fine......

 
 Re: Clarinet Bulletin Board Poetry Contest
Author: huff n' puff 
Date:   2009-03-20 09:44

Hi, poet's corner............. Can I nominate "easyvision" for the shortest poem prize.......... the title of his/her recent posting-
Numb
Thumb



 
 Re: Clarinet Bulletin Board Poetry Contest
Author: chris moffatt 
Date:   2009-03-20 13:55

Is this a clarinet I see before me?
No, surely not, the keys are wrong!
Are there two rings, or four? Or five? Or six?
I see it clearly now but cannot read its name.
Muller? No it is too complicated. Methinks
Its name be Albert, but stay I see
the hand of Klose. See the pinky keys?
But how can this be? Ah, this is not Simple.
See the keywork, what manner of thing IS this?
But lo, it is become clear – an eBay hybrid
With Spiegelthal vent in its bell

 
 Re: Clarinet Bulletin Board Poetry Contest
Author: clarnibass 
Date:   2009-03-20 14:45

Mine is a rap song.

Flat when it's cold, sharp when it's hot,
Don't matter since the wood already started to rot.
Your reed is too soft, your reed is too hard,
Your tone sucks regardless and it's not avant garde.
Blow air through one end, out the other comes spit,
But does it really matter if you sound like ****
Gotta have a mouthpiece with a beak shaped like a duck,
Don't matter anyway, cuz who gives a....

 
 Re: Clarinet Bulletin Board Poetry Contest
Author: chris moffatt 
Date:   2009-03-20 14:52

Mazzeo is hardly a breeze.
McIntyre? too many keys.
Albert is dated.
Boehm's over-rated.

I really can't choose
which clarinet to use.

I just don't like any of these.

 
 Re: Clarinet Bulletin Board Poetry Contest
Author: Katrina 
Date:   2009-03-21 04:28

Ok...my husband (a non-musician) just wrote a clarinet haiku

Eventually
I will sound quite impressive
For now...squeak, squeak, squeak.

 
 Re: Clarinet Bulletin Board Poetry Contest
Author: Lelia Loban 2017
Date:   2009-03-21 12:17

Ms. Shadow Cat Howls the Alarm

I’m forcing my stupid pet human to type
My words, instead of her usual tripe.
I’m here to howl, to sound the alarm:
Your screech-sticks are really the larval forms
Of the vacuum cleaner that eats your cat’s fur
And drowns out the sound of a resonant purr.
By night they spawn more of their monstrous ilk
As they lurk in their dens made of nice plushy silk.
Yes, deep in your closet, down under your bed,
Clarinet larvae are born and bred.
While you collectors exacerbate
The guile and the wiles of the screech-sticks, and prate
Of how many you own and how old and how rare.
But your cats know what lurks in those foul, evil lairs:
When you practice those squealings and squeakings and shrieks,
And obsess over reeds and mousepieces and leaks,
Your clarinets send out their siren call
To the neighborhood’s vilest devil of all,
To their master, the garbage truck prowling the road
That demon, that giant, that metal-clad toad,
Eating offal for meals, squashing cats if it can,
Controlling its minion, the old garbage man.
(Did you know that he plays the clarinet, too?
In fact, he may play it much better than you!)
Please cats, tell your humans to do what’s right –
Don’t let all those clarinets breed in the night!
Throw them all down the stairs, run them over with cars,
Or set them on fire, or blast them to Mars!

Lelia
http://www.scoreexchange.com/profiles/Lelia_Loban
To hear the audio, click on the "Scorch Plug-In" box above the score.

Post Edited (2009-03-21 12:21)

 
 Re: Clarinet Bulletin Board Poetry Contest
Author: Jack Kissinger 
Date:   2009-03-21 20:14

Clarinet player dining at Crewe
found a bell marked "Bakun" in his stew.
Said the waiter don't shout and waive it about.
You'll give everyone GAS.



Post Edited (2009-03-23 02:19)

 
 Re: Clarinet Bulletin Board Poetry Contest
Author: Hank Lehrer 2017
Date:   2009-03-22 11:24

My feeble attempt.

These poems may improve over time
But some of them don't even rhyme
So when all is said
And lambic pentameter's dead
Clarinet playing is less of a crime

HRL

 
 Re: Clarinet Bulletin Board Poetry Contest
Author: Don Berger 
Date:   2009-03-22 15:36

Vunderbahr toall, We do have poets, and now do surely know it! Another feeble fable is in Gebruder Moennig. Conclusion, only a few engrs study fine arts as well. Don

Thanx, Mark, Don

 
 Re: Clarinet Bulletin Board Poetry Contest
Author: Jack Kissinger 
Date:   2009-03-23 02:18

Faithful friend,
Chalumeau.
Fearless foe,
Altissimo.

 
 Re: Clarinet Bulletin Board Poetry Contest
Author: Hank Lehrer 2017
Date:   2009-03-23 03:01

GBK,

The Poetry Police would like to report that several of the contest submissions do not contain the word clarinet.

HRL

 
 Re: Clarinet Bulletin Board Poetry Contest
Author: clarnibass 
Date:   2009-03-23 04:40

>> The Poetry Police would like to report that several of the
>> contest submissions do not contain the word clarinet.

Yes, but I guess some people (clarinetists) don't care about "winning the competition"  :) Just like some clarinetists go to auditions, etc. and some prefer the freedom  :)

 
 Re: Clarinet Bulletin Board Poetry Contest
Author: Hank Lehrer 2017
Date:   2009-03-23 11:53

Claribass,

You are so correct but maybe there was some sort of poetic license that the word clarinet being implied was enough. LOL.

HRL

 
 Re: Clarinet Bulletin Board Poetry Contest
Author: GBK 2017
Date:   2009-03-24 15:49

After discussing the results with Mark, we have decided that the winner of the 2009 Clarinet Bulletin Board Contest is Earl Arnold, who wrote the winning poem:

I remember it well
That bright fall day
My first Clarinet
Arrived from e-bay
The case was beat up
The horn was not new
But it was wood
Black wood all Through
I put it together
And slapped on a reed
I played my first note
My soul had been freed


Honorable mention to:

Chris Moffat
Dave Spiegelthal
kilo




Thanks to all who entered. As predicted, you showed us that clarinet players can be creative and clever, while showing a unique sense of humor.
We hope that this small diversion to the usual clarinet discussions, was as enjoyable to you as it was to us.

...GBK

 
 Re: Clarinet Bulletin Board Poetry Contest
Author: Lelia Loban 2017
Date:   2009-03-24 15:54

Congratulations to Earl Arnold, Chris Moffat, David Spiegelthal and kilo!

Lelia
http://www.scoreexchange.com/profiles/Lelia_Loban
To hear the audio, click on the "Scorch Plug-In" box above the score.

 
 Re: Clarinet Bulletin Board Poetry Contest
Author: David Spiegelthal 2017
Date:   2009-03-24 17:41

Can we PLEASE get back to discussing the relative merits of gold vs. rhodium plating on ligatures?

 
 Re: Clarinet Bulletin Board Poetry Contest
Author: Hank Lehrer 2017
Date:   2009-03-24 18:04

GBK & Mark,

Excellent choices! Congrats to the CPL.

HRL

 
 Re: Clarinet Bulletin Board Poetry Contest
Author: arundo 
Date:   2009-03-24 19:30

Homage a Legere
To Thee that saved us from the Curse of Cane,
Before Thy court this culprit we arraign.
Each buzz and aqueak, each warp and crack,
That stretch this anguished player on the rack.
Consigned to fiery Hell, we hurl, him,
To smoke and crackle in Eternal Pain.

In Heaven above your warm dark Heart,
The Ultimate Synthesis of the Tonal Art.
Your Vamp Symetric, Vibrant Absolute,
Your Tip that rides the wind and will not fray,
Each sculpted of Miraculous Stuff to suit.
To Thou I pen this poem, Maestro Legere:
The answer to a wretched clarinetist's prayer.

mark dickman
7738565490
markdickman82@hotmail.com

 
 Re: Clarinet Bulletin Board Poetry Contest
Author: David Spiegelthal 2017
Date:   2009-03-24 20:03

To mark we say,
"your poem is great!"
but per Glenn's post,
a half-day late.

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