 The Clarinet BBoard
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Author: Michelle S
Date: 2000-06-05 17:07
First of all, you guys are so nice for being concerned.
Secondly, to 'anon;' easier than being a 'martyr' is being a coward. If you have something to say, at least be adult enough to put your name on it.
Karel: I laughed out loud at your response! You don't know how many times I've thought of that!
Ok, for those of you who asked: My husband has a lot of problems, mostly stemming from some abuse he sustained as a child from his father. He (my husband) can be extrememly selfish and narcissistic and just plain juvenile. Everything has to be 'tit for tat' and there are days I just can't take it any more. He can also be very paranoid. For example, I am slowly earning a bachelors in Legal Studies and he is so sure I want to be an attorney to 'get him.' For what, I don't know. Anyway, he got angry at me for daring to disagree with his buying and restoring a classic car we don't have the space to store. He threw my new clarinet in my face (figuratively) and said I no right to deny him what he wants. I didn't say not to get the car, I told him that maybe waiting until we had garage space to store it might be a better idea. He said I was trying to control him and keep him from having a hobby. I got very disheartened with the whole damn argument and said, "Fine, I'll sell the horn." After I had it listed, he all of a sudden felt guilty for being a donkey and asked me to take the listing down. I still have my horn and have made arrangements for private lessons this fall from the community college I attend. (Since he works there, I can get the classes and lessons for free). Since then, I have been working out of 2 different books, just taking things slowly, working on fingerings and getting my embrochure back up to snuff. As for him having to hear my practice, I usually do that when my 2 year old is napping, so he never hears me, unless I want him to. (I might also add that he has a Yamaha Clavinova keyboard, something he wanted to get for a hobby, so his argument about me not 'allowing' him a hobby is a moot point; he already has one!)
So, that's my story. In retrospect, things don't seem as bad as they did 2 weeks ago. Dealing with his emotional problems can be overwhelming at times. One good part is that he has finally figured out the problems are his, not his job, boss, me, the kids, etc. Now, if he'd just get some therapy, I'd feel better! Right now, I just take it a day at a time, prepare for the worst and hope for the best.
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Author: ron b.
Date: 2000-06-05 18:14
Sounds like a mixup of leadership and responsibility roles. Have you considered talking things over with someone in the clergy? My heart goes out to you both. You know, of course, this is having a negative effect on your two year old.
ron
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Author: C. Hogue
Date: 2000-06-05 18:20
My God, I can really empathize. My husband too was abused as a child and sometimes acts out too. He sees an anexiety specialist and has couragously "grown up" a great deal. Sometimes I think he wants me to be the "mom" who is focused primarily on him and he is the kid who gets to play (collecting computer gadgetry and books) so he can finally have a happy childhood. This is not *my* idea of what marriage is all about!
Judging from my experiences, I'd guess your spouse has boundary and control issues. Hence, his behavior about your music. This unhealthy behavior affects everyone in the family. I hope he cares enough about himself, you, and your little one to get some help. Life can get better!
I'm very glad you've kept your horn and keep on practicing. I hope your 2-year-old takes long naps :^) Music can be a great form of self-care.
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Author: paul
Date: 2000-06-05 22:05
Keep on practicing, even if it's only to find a few minutes of peace in your own life. Why do I say that? Because I too have "been there, done that". After all, why do you think there is the phrase "music soothes the savage beast"? It's not to appease or please someone else. Rather, it helps the performer find peace in their own life.
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Author: Keil
Date: 2000-06-06 02:07
Getting away from the horn and the practice time, i must commend you for enduring and sticking it out with your husband. It's so refreshing as a teen to see people work through the problems in their marriages rather than going for the quick fix of divorce. You are a strong women who should be commended. A round of applause to you and much success to you and your family. Smile, it's Contagious :-)
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Author: Willie
Date: 2000-06-06 05:04
Hey, it's great that you've been able to work things out so well. As a clarinet retread, I know the feeling and yearning to play again. I can, though relate to your husbands problems as in adition to abuse by my dad, he also tried three times to kill me when I was very young as he didn't want the responcibility of raising a kid. I also like classic cars & bikes. Just sold my '71 Triumph T120 (with 1004cc Norfleet engine) to buy my wife a new top notch flute. So hang in there. Now if I can just talk her into lettin' me get that old Studebaker down the street.....
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Author: Nicole Y.
Date: 2000-06-07 00:59
I just have to make this comment. Divorce is not an easy quick fix.
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Author: Dee
Date: 2000-06-09 01:17
I hope that you can somehow guide him into accepting counseling. If you can manage that and stick with him through it, you will have accomplished something truly great.
You might also want to consider some type of support group or counseling for yourself as this will be a very difficult task to get through without some help.
However do not be a martyr. If he does not seek help, it's your duty to due what is best for your child and yourself.
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Author: Karel Vahala
Date: 2000-06-10 05:57
I am glad you are still a clarinet-owner. However, accept that a personality scarred by severe childhood experiences is almost as intractable as a person with a drug addiction problem, unless he does accept counselling and in effect accepts that he needs to undergo a change. Otherwise, just as with a drug addict, you will continue to suffer from day to day, and so will your child who is much less able to stand up for him/herself than you are. All the best.
Karel.
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