 The Clarinet BBoard
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Author: Mindy
Date: 2001-12-29 02:13
Recently my high school had chair placement tests and I was placed first chair in the top band. This now has people in the band VERY upset with me since I am new to the school and I beat a senior who has been in the 1st chair position for a while. People who were my friends are not talking to me, I have been blocked from their buddy lists, and I am being harassed and threatened. I am about ready to give up my instrument and band because of the cattiness. How do you cope? I do not feel that the answer is to relax my playing standards in order to "fit in", nor do I think I should just sit back and just let the other person "be" first chair. Can someone please give me some ideas as to how to deal with the jealousy that I am having to deal with at school? I know this isn't a psychology board but I just want some opinions
Mindy
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Author: Mark Charette
Date: 2001-12-29 02:17
Mindy wrote:
> People who were my friends are not talking to me,
No, they weren't your friends. They were formerly friendly acquaintences.
Stuff like this happens in all walks and times of life. You just have to put up with it for a while. People will be waiting for you to make a mistake, and you may - but everything passes. People will forget, and everything will calm down. Perhaps it'll take a month or so, but as long as you're quiet, self-effacing, and just do your job professionally there isn't much else you can do except wait.
HS is a rough place ...
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Author: kenabbott
Date: 2001-12-29 02:51
Don't give up. You auditioned for the spot and won it fair and square.
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Author: Doug Ramsdell
Date: 2001-12-29 03:01
Here's the thing--you can't control what other people think by changing YOUR behavior in hope of "winning them over." It must hurt like hell to be left out, but their problem is that they can't see your worth until they get over themselves. Like Mark says, over time and exposure to you, they'll get used to who you really are--and perhaps come to like you and respect the fact that you simply play better than they do. They might even apologize for their present behavior (which I think is absolutely called-for, by the way--you DON"T deserve this treatment).
This is not to minimize anything you're feeling--in all my 50-some years, no other place ever hurt like high school. But you have nothing to apologize for, or atone for, or make up to anyone for. If you play better, you play better!!! Period!!!
Also, if you're going to have to put up with this pettiness, you can certainly afford to give yourself private moments of triumph. YOU PLAYED BETTER! YOU TROUNCED THE COMPETITION!! WAY TO GO!!!
Enjoy your success and best wishes
Doug R
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Author: Dan
Date: 2001-12-29 03:21
Mindy, first of all, I believe Mark is absolutely correct. I believe a real friend would not have stopped talking to you...but would have congratulated you!!! And the senior who has had the first chair for a while, if he or she were mature, they would have realized that sooner or later someone would eventually come by and play better than him or her and take the first chair position. Accepting the truth that someone is better at something than you may be a humbling experience but can become a learning experience by befriending the person, giving sincere praise for their ability, asking questions and then carefully listening to what they have to say.
You may be in need of praise from others to counterbalance the negative things your former acquantances are saying about you now. Some of this counterbalancing you will have to do yourself by reaffirming your own belief in your own playing abilities. Spend more time with those you know appreciate you as a person and for your musical talent.
If the members of the band see a look of pain on your face, they'll know their remarks are succeeding. Being friendly towards those who hate or despise you is difficult but it a sure way to win and let othe others know that their remarks are having no affect upon you.
Because you have the first chair, you are obviously very talented. Don't give up playing if you really love it. The world is waiting to hear the beautiful tones from your instrument. To those who are truly gifted, jealously is bound to show it's ugly head. You are now being faced with a challenging learning situation. I have a feeling that you will indeed overcome this and continue moving forward.
Please note that all of the above are strickly my opinions.
Good luck to you and please keep all of us informed as to how things are going.
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Author: clarinet713
Date: 2001-12-29 03:30
Hey Congratulations Mindy :-) Let me tell you a little story........I had a lot of trouble in HS with stuff like this, not in my high school, but at district band festivals and honors bands and stuff like that. My senior year I got first chair first clarinet at the All State festival, and let me tell you, everyone in the clarinet section gave me EVIL stares the whole time. I beat this girl who had beat me the year before that. She really disliked me, I could tell, and was rather cold to me. It was hard, but I treated her as nice as possible, and respected her playing. Towards the end of the festival, something happened to her and her boyfriend and she was very upset (sigh, the life of the high schooler :-)) and she was in this horrible mood towards everyone, so no one would really talk to her, but I continued to "kill her with kindness" and eventually she warmed up a little to me. It's going to not be fun, I've been there-I hated it the whole time and questioned my playing and whether or not I should have been there, but I deserved the chair, just as YOU deserve that chair, you have worked for it and put the time into it. So, like the others have said, celebrate, but brace yourself and persevere (and be sweet). This world needs more sweet musicians :-)
Maybe after you get to know that senior a little better, ask to see if she would like to play some fun duets together?
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Author: GBK
Date: 2001-12-29 03:38
I started a thread about a week ago on "Jealousy and Envy"- just for the very reason you have now encountered.
There were some excellent insights by many people. Reread some of the fine advice given by these contributors...GBK
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Author: Sandra F. H.
Date: 2001-12-29 12:56
Hi Mindy! Congratulations! Your friends are here! In H.S. I had very similar problems, and overall my high school years were not "the best years of my life" as touted by others. This issue may seem big and overwhelming right now, but it will pass. You are a mature and talented young woman, and remember that those who cannot get beyond the cattiness may NEVER get beyond it. (I witnessed that in a high school class reunion!) This is only temporarily painful. I often found myself walking a seemingly lonely path in high school. For not only was I talented in music, I was also a talented artist. Pursue your dreams and let those others fall to the side. Let your light shine!
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Author: Dee
Date: 2001-12-29 13:15
I just wish to reinforce what everyone else has said. Let your light shine. If you don't, you'll just make yourself unhappy and risk losing your own sense of identity and even your sense of self worth. So do not try to please them and do not quit. Just be nice. Some of them may relax, grow up, and become true friends. I was talented both musically and academically so had very similar problems. I did not have a lot of friends but those I did have stood by me.
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Author: Pam
Date: 2001-12-29 13:23
Mindy, Congratulations! You got first chair! I agree with what everyone else has said. Just continue playing well and being nice to people. That shows you have class. Maybe, hopefully they'll come around and maybe they won't but at least you can feel good about your achievments and how you've responded to them.
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Author: Mindy
Date: 2001-12-29 13:24
Thanks everyone. My teacher and mom has said these things too but I like to get other peoples opinions also. especially since everyone here are clarinetists.
Thanks alot again!!!
Mindy
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Author: bob gardner
Date: 2001-12-29 14:39
the old saying is "with friends like these who needs enemies" you are lucky to be able to see who yours true friends are or will be. Stay away from the people what only want to use you for what ever reasons.
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Author: Fred
Date: 2001-12-29 14:58
Congratulations on First Chair, Mindy. There are some important underlying lessons here that, if learned, can make us happier in life. We all have different priorities in life - and we parcel out our time in accordance with those priorities. We accept varying levels of success according to how much a priority that activity is to us. Ultimately, there may be something that is a very high priority for you, and you want to be very successful at it and are willing to work very hard to achieve it. What is important in that instance is to strive to be the best that YOU can be, regardless of the success of others. You can allow others to motivate you . . . you can learn from other people's successes . . . but you are better off not hanging your happiness on beating someone else. Somewhere, sometime, a bigger badder dog will show up in your neighborhood . . . and then what happens to you? Perhaps this is what happened to the former first player.
When I was playing in a university ensemble, I beat another player in an audition. After playing next to this guy for about a week, I realized (as did he) that he was clearly a better player than was I. I could have continued as seated and allowed an awkward situation to fester, but I was much more comfortable asking him to take over the position. The director raised an eyebrow, but wisely understood what had happened and said nothing. I think that was an important test for me, and today (almost thirty years later), I'll gladly play any part that needs to be heard. That gets rid of a lot of unnecessary stress.
Forgive the life lesson, Mindy, but as one gets a bit older it's important to get more and more of these right. A matter of priorities . . .
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Author: ron b
Date: 2001-12-29 17:01
Didn't know there was such a thing as a psychology board. Is that the one they hit you with to get your attention? (aarrrgggh!!!)...
I know from experience though, from a parent's point of view, how it is (more or less, I'm still learning in that department too). You can hear something time and again from teachers, friends and (ugh!) parents. It always sounds a thousand times better and makes infinitely more sense from (an) outside source(s).
You're gonna be fine.
Happy tootin' ! :]
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Author: David Pegel
Date: 2001-12-29 22:42
Believe me, everyone will get the $%& over it or not be worth knowing anyway. If you keep that slot, people will realize you deserve it more and life will go on.
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Author: Don Poulsen
Date: 2001-12-31 15:18
I think this thread should be labeled "Immaturity," not "Jealousy." The behavior you describe reeks of immaturity as well as jealousy to me. A mature person will accept another person's fairly gained accomplishments as signs of that person's talent and/or willingness to work hard. The good news is that most people gain maturity as they age. The bad news is that age doesn't guarantee maturity.
On the other hand, a mature person also doesn't flaunt his/her accomplishments inappropriately or look down on others because they haven't reached the same plateau. (Appropriate flaunting would be things such as listing achievements on a resume or college application so as to impress a potential employer or university.) This type of behavior will get one snubbed much faster than accomplishing something and then being modest about it. I assume your behavior hasn't been the cause of your disacceptance.
In any case, congratulations.
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Author: Peter
Date: 2002-01-01 22:17
The cool thing about these incidents is that they serve to let you know who your real friends are.
As you've already been told, these people were not your friends. Remember that, even if and when some of them eventually come back to be your "friends." At the risk of depressing you more, don't ever count on them, they'll usually let you down at the worst of possible moments.
On the flip side of the coin, anyone of them who still supports you, is a friend, indeed (or could it be in deed?)
As you go through life you'll find about 99.99% of everyone you meeet is merely an acquaintance, however friendly they may seem. That's why finding one really good friend amongst the many "would bes" is such a joy in anyone's life.
Don't despair. You'll have them too, but you won't know who they are until everyone else has abandoned you and they are still at your side!!!
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