 The Clarinet BBoard
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Author: Mark Sloss
Date: 2003-01-31 15:43
Let me start by saying I make more money playing sax than clarinet.
OK, with that out of the way, the thread on saxes got me thinking that I haven't heard any good new sax jokes in a while. Surely in a forest of clarinets, somebody has a goody.
I'll start it off with a couple oldies:
Q. What's the difference between a saxophone and a Briggs & Stratton lawn tractor?
A. You can tune the B&S with a screwdriver.
Q. What's the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw?
A. Vibrato.
(credit to the Marcellus disciples who shared these with me many moons ago)
Hey HAT -- a new market for Original Saxophone Destroyed t-shirts?
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Author: Ralph G
Date: 2003-01-31 15:56
The old standby about how many alto sax players it takes to change a light bulb:
12 -- one to change it and 11 to comment on how David Sanborn would have done it.
My favorite is still the one about clarinetists changing light bulbs.a
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Author: GBK
Date: 2003-01-31 16:12
What's the best recording of the Creston Saxophone Sonata?
Music Minus One
Thank you, thank you very much. <img src="http://www.stopstart.freeserve.co.uk/smilie/acclaim.gif">...GBK
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Author: Robert Small
Date: 2003-01-31 16:43
These two sax players walk out of a bar...well, it COULD happen.
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Author: Frank
Date: 2003-01-31 17:03
What's the difference between a dead clarinet player and a dead sax player in the road???the sax player might have been on his way to a gig.
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Author: HAT
Date: 2003-01-31 17:08
How do you get a classical saxophone player off your porch???
Pay for the Pizza. . . .
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Author: Rick
Date: 2003-01-31 17:15
Let's see, these should be original since I just made them up, but if I've stolen a theme...sorry.
Why aren't there more women sax players?
Because women have feelings.
Why does the devil play the fiddle instead of a sax?
Some things are just too cruel
Why don't sax's have spit valves?
Because sax players drool from the corners of their mouths.
Variation #2
Because they like the wet sound
Why do so many sax players have long hair?
To hide their faces.
Why are there more blind piano players than blind sax players?
Sensitive ears
Why was the tenor sax invented?
Because plants kept falling out of soprano sax's
Why was the baritone sax invented?
Because some potted plants just will not fit into a tenor sax.
What's the best way to warm up a sax?
Fill it with warm concrete.
What's the favorite saying of professional sax players?
Would like like fries with that order?
How can you get a better sound out of a tenor sax?
Melt it down and turn it into a door knocker
Variation on the theme:
How do you get a sax player to play piano?
Fill the sax with concrete.
How do you get a sax player to play pianissimo?
Fill the sax with concrete and use rebar
Ok, that's enough for now.
Best
RW
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Author: Dave Beal
Date: 2003-01-31 19:04
Q: What's the range of a tenor saxophone?
A: With a good arm, about 30 feet.
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Author: CPW
Date: 2003-01-31 20:04
A dead lawyer and a dead sax player are lying on a highway.
Which one is the sax player?
Answer...the one WITHOUT the tire skid marks leading up to him.
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Author: chuck
Date: 2003-01-31 20:27
A real gentleman . . owns a sax but never plays it.
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Author: Ken
Date: 2003-01-31 20:29
LMAO...HAT that was beautiful! (and mostly true)
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Author: jbutler
Date: 2003-01-31 22:58
From the repair BB:
This fellow comes home from a bar and is very drunk. His wife asks him where he was and he replies that he was at a bar that had Gold Carpet, Gold Curtains, Gold Shot Glasses and even a Gold Urinal. His wife told the man that no bar has a Gold Urinal and to go to bed.
She got to wondering where he was that night, so she started calling all the bars in town. She called the 1st bar and asked bartender if they had Gold Carpet, which he replied "No!" So, she called the 2nd bar and asked if they had a Gold Carpet, and the bartender also said, "No, we don't." She called the last bar and asked the same question.
The bartender answered back saying, "Yes! We even have Gold Curtains and Gold Shot Glasses."
The wife asked the bartender if she could ask him one more question.
He said, "Go for it."
She asked him if they happened to have a Gold Urinal, then she could hear the bartender holler, "Hey, Mac! Take the other line, I think we have a lead on that guy who pissed in the Saxophone."
jbutler
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Author: Bazzer the Jazzer
Date: 2003-02-01 00:30
Q. What do a saxophone and a baseball have in common?
A. People cheer when you hit them with a bat.
Q. How many C melody saxophone players can you fit in a phone booth?
A. Both of them.
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Author: Bazzer the Jazzer
Date: 2003-02-01 00:33
Q. If a saxophone player and an accordian player jumped off the Eiffle Tower, which one would hit the ground first?
A. Who cares(or words to that effect).
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Author: Jack Kissinger
Date: 2003-02-01 03:37
To follow up on HAT's joke:
What's the difference between a classical sax player and a pizza?
A. A pizza can feed a family of four.
Best regards,
jnk
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Author: ALOMARvelous12
Date: 2003-02-01 16:27
Most of the following jokes were really origionally made to poke fun at the NY Yankees. I altered them to saxophones.
Q: You are stuck in a room with a rattle snake, a hungry lion, and a saxophone player. You have a gun with two bullets. What do you do?
A: You shoot the saxophone player twice!
Q: How do you make a saxophone player laugh on Moday?
A: Tell him a joke on Friday!
A flute player, an oboe player, a clarinet player, and a saxophone player were all climbing up mountain together when they got into an argument over how much they were dedicated to their respective instruments. To prove her loyalty to the flute, the flutist yells "this is for the flute" and jumps off a cliff. The oboist follows and yells "this is for the oboe" and jumps off. The clarinetist yells "this is for everyone" and pushes off the saxophone player.
A virtuoso pianist just performed a concert where she was met backstage by a saxophone player that was among the audience who says "I absolutely loved your performance. Especially the song you played that started with that big thrill."
The pianist was puzzled "But I don't think I played such song."
The sax player: "Yeah you did" and starts humming the start of Beethoven's Fur Elise.
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? They had pictures of Saxophone players on them ...people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
Q: If you see a Sax player on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
A: There's a good chance it's your bicycle.
Q: What do sax players and sperm have in common?
A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
Q: What do you have when 100 sax players are buried up to their neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: How do you get a sax player's eyes to light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in his ear!
Q: Why is it good to be driving with a sax player?
A: You can park in the handicap zone!
Q: How can you tell if a sax player just sent you a fax?
A: There's a stamp on it!
Q: How can you tell if a sax player has been using your computer?
A: There is whiteout on your screen!
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Author: Ralph G
Date: 2003-02-01 21:20
The classical sax player came home one night to find his house burned to the ground and police teeming over the site. One cop comes to him and says, "Your conductor came to your house, killed you wife and children, then set your house on fire." The sax player says, "Oh my God, the conductor came to my house??"
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Author: David
Date: 2003-02-01 22:55
What's a minor third?
2 soprano saxes in unison.
Oh, you've heard that one...
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Author: jim lande
Date: 2003-02-02 02:15
Why don't sax's have spit valves?
Because they really are supposed to be used as spittoons.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why shouldn't a sax player stand on his head when he plays?
Because other people will want to stand on it, too.
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