 The Clarinet BBoard
|
Author: kthln.hnsn
Date: 2013-07-02 02:15
I have a young student who's about 13 years old, so of course she talks a lot. She likes to get side tracked and always says how tired and hungry she is and I always just figured it was because she's a growing girl. But tonight she mentioned how she's only drank water that whole day because her parents can't afford enough food for her and her 3 siblings. She gets really distracted during her lessons and has lately been low on energy. How do you each suggest I go about this situation? I am not led to believe these parents are neglectful or starving their children, however I am concerned. I have thought of baking fresh bread or other things and giving them to the mom and other children while I am in the lesson with the girl and then giving her some after the lesson for the ride home. However I don't want the mom to think I'm just giving handouts and pity them (I know how embarrassing that can be!). I do honestly care about their well being and especially since these kids are growing it could develop poor habits for the future for them...kind of a tough situation for me.
|
|
Reply To Message
|
|
Author: Ken Shaw ★2017
Date: 2013-07-02 02:44
After thinking this through with my wife (who's a great private teacher), I've revised my response.
You're probably the only adult from whom this student ever gets full attention for a long period. It's natural for her to want your sympathy. Also, kids desperately want to gain even a smidgen of control, to keep their their omnipotent parents out of their faces. You're a substitute mother figure, and she my be working on you, too.
Kids have vivid imaginations and can create their own worlds of persecution. I have a hard time believing a "this isn't my day to eat" story. It sounds like she read it on the web, probably at http://mandiesushistory101.wikispaces.com/An+American+Girl+Kit+Kittredge. In fact, over 50 years ago, one of my school teachers fell for the same story in the same words.
This doesn't mean she's not starving herself. Anorexia strikes many adolescent girls. Check by offering her a snack.
If her story rings true, you need to do a discreet inquiry. Talk to her school teacher. Drive by her house and talk to the neighbors.
If the story actually IS true, it's white lie time. Make her a big meal, calling it a "little snack." Say you begin everyone's lesson with one, to help them through. But it's not your place to interfere. That's for relatives, the school or Childhood Services.
Ken Shaw
Post Edited (2013-07-02 15:15)
|
|
Reply To Message
|
|
Author: clarinetguy ★2017
Date: 2013-07-02 04:12
Does your student have her own clarinet? Do her parents buy her books, reeds, and other supplies? Parents with very limited finances often don't buy instruments for their kids or have them take private lessons, but then again, you never know.
Are you paid promptly, or do you often hear, "Sorry, I forgot my checkbook this week. Can I pay you next week?"
Perhaps the parents don't have much money, but are sacrificing everything to pay for lessons. I've had this happen with a few students, and when I can tell that money is really a problem, I very quietly offer a reduced rate.
Teenagers have their quirks, and perhaps your student has some. It's possible she's a picky eater, and doesn't like the food her parents buy and prepare. I think every parent has had to deal at times with kids who say (after a lot of time has been spent getting dinner ready), "I don't like it!" I wonder if your student qualifies for free or reduced-price lunch at her school. If she does, is she eating it?
|
|
Reply To Message
|
|
Author: Ed Palanker
Date: 2013-07-03 01:26
She may be using you and is not being honest. It's very difficult to know for sure. I've had a few students in my day that took advantage of my concern and fooled me for a while. Nothing like this though. I don't know how to advise you but it seems if they are paying you a fair price for lessons and buying her what she needs there may indeed be more to it than meets the eye. If you really don't know what to do and are very concerned you might want to try to contact her school and tell them of your concern and ask them for their advise. I don't know if they have a nurse or guidance councilor like we used to have in every school in the good old days.
ESP eddiesclarinet.com
|
|
Reply To Message
|
|
Author: kthln.hnsn
Date: 2013-07-03 13:09
That's what I was thinking also! I just don't want the wool to be pulled over my eyes by this girl. I've never had reason to believe that she has lied to me before, but what she was saying did strike a chord with me and I always want to think the better of people! Hmmm, I will try to offer her some food at our next lesson and see what she does. She is the oldest of 4 children, I do remember her saying how life was great until her parents had the next three children (ages 8, 6, 11 months) And she did briefly mention she has had a Facebook page since she was 9 and said she put in a false birthdate on the site since she obviously wasn't truly old enough to use the site. So I'm assuming her mom allows her free reign when she's on the computer and she is probably on there quite often. I suppose maybe she just isn't getting enough attention and maybe she is demanding it from me.
My lesson fee isn't an issue as far as I'm concerned since I'm pretty competitively priced so I really can't go much lower than that without it really not being worth my time to give lessons at all. They pay for that months lessons at the first lesson each month.
Since school is out there's no one I can contact at her school because the situation seems to have arisen after school was let out for the summer. Or that's when she started mentioning these things.
I will consider all that you guys have said and go from there and will update you all if anything changes or if I find out if there's any truth to what she is saying.
|
|
Reply To Message
|
|
Author: clarinetwife
Date: 2013-07-03 14:25
kthln.hnsn wrote: >I suppose maybe she just isn't getting enough attention and maybe she is demanding it from me.<
The comment about her siblings certainly indicates that this is an attention getting behavior. Unfortunately, eating disorders can arise in teens who feel a bit invisible at home.
That said, I sometimes get complaints from my 15 year old about not having eaten anything by mid afternoon. Well, usually that's because he couldn't be bothered with breakfast and chose not to eat lunch at school.
|
|
Reply To Message
|
|
Author: DavidBlumberg
Date: 2013-07-03 14:34
There are some fairly serious problems here. Either she's lying, or it's a very bad situation. You can't really do much about either. You could say to her "hey, if you're truly starving when you get here, you're not going to be able to support your sound, so I'd be happy to give you a sandwich if you really need one", or something like that. Again, you're making it about playing the Clarinet, not about her poor situation. I wouldn't advise talking to neighbors, as that would be a quick way to loose a student, and them to think you're being a creeper.
Good luck!!
http://www.SkypeClarinetLessons.com
|
|
Reply To Message
|
|
Author: kthln.hnsn
Date: 2013-07-03 14:48
Both very good points David and clarinetwife! Perhaps that is the best way to look at this situation: That it could be a whole host of issues, but I really need to make our lessons about playing clarinet and not turn it into a charity case. If it happens again I'll just offer her something to eat but I don't want it to turn into her expecting food everytime she comes over (unless of course they truly are hard up for money, then I personally don't mind helping those in need that way!) But I suppose time will tell what the root of the matter truly is.
|
|
Reply To Message
|
|
Author: Tony F
Date: 2013-07-03 16:53
Arrange things so that when she arrives she catches you having lunch, a snack or whatever. Look guilty and offer her some.
Tony F.
|
|
Reply To Message
|
|
Author: Ken Shaw ★2017
Date: 2013-07-04 02:31
Garrison Keillor says "We're a story-telling people." It's what civilization is all about. He's a master story-teller, and nobody expects or even wants him to speak the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
Kids make up stories all the time. Kids exaggerate all the time. They're practicing their story-telling. It does no good to call it lying. The only advice I'd give her is "Lie any time you want, and as much as you want. However, you absolutely must begin each time with the line "Hey, here's a great story I just made up.""
Hey, here's a great story I just made up. There's a dragon out in the street. No, REALLY. It just breathed fire on my stupid little brother and burnt him to a crisp. Now everybody will have plenty to eat for lunch. I'm going to put that dragon in my bed to keep my feet warm at night. If he misbehaves, I'll turn him into a soft ice cream machine and have all I want, no matter what my mom says.
I think the only thing wrong with this kid is that she doesn't have enough experience to make up the stories that are an essential part of civilized society. Nobody can do that at age 13. Just smile and change the subject back to the clarinet lesson. "OK, now play me the A major scale in thirds" (or wherever you assigned the last time). That's why she's in your studio. Maybe break the tension with a duet.
Ken Shaw
Post Edited (2013-07-04 03:42)
|
|
Reply To Message
|
|
Author: seabird
Date: 2013-07-07 06:27
As a music teacher and therapist, I have also run into kids who were hungry. It is a very real problem in this country and when school free lunches end, many kids go hungry. There is a national free lunch program designed for hungry kids and most areas of the country receive the services. This is for WI. which is where your server says you are located. I hope this info helps. While it is true that some kids suffer from eating disorders, she really doesn't fit the description from what you've said so she may really be trying to get help for herself and her sibs. Just a thought. http://www.fns.usda.gov/summer-food-service-program-sfsp
|
|
Reply To Message
|
|
Author: Lelia Loban ★2017
Date: 2013-07-07 18:59
David Blumberg wrote,
>I wouldn't advise talking to neighbors, as that would be a quick way to loose a student, and them to think you're being a creeper.
>
I strongly agree. Talking to the neighbors would be a serious invasion of this family's privacy. Even Socal Services will rarely go that far unless they're investigating a criminal cruelty case that's already pretty well documented.
Here's another possibility: The young woman may not be telling the truth but she may also not be making up lies. She may believe things that aren't true. A high-functioning schizophrenic can sound convincing even when the story itself is implausible.
Lelia
http://www.scoreexchange.com/profiles/Lelia_Loban
To hear the audio, click on the "Scorch Plug-In" box above the score.
|
|
Reply To Message
|
|
The Clarinet Pages
|
 |
.jpg){kind=small}
.jpg){kind=small}
.jpg){kind=small}
.jpg){kind=small}
.jpg){kind=small}
.jpg){kind=small}
