Klarinet Archive - Posting 000208.txt from 2004/08
From: Virginia Hill <gigi1182@-----.com>
Subj: Re: [kl] screech-stick nightmare
Date: Sun, 8 Aug 2004 23:45:36 -0400
..... It's official. We clarinetists are weird. Look at us, giving our
felines personalities and the like. It's amusing though- my cats run out of
the room when I start practicing my Rossini piece, yet she curls up and
falls asleep when I practice guitar or piano- and even funnier is when I
stop playing. She shoots me dirty looks that say "why'd you stop? I was just
falling asleep to that!!"
Yep. We are a strange breed.
"Lelia Loban" wrote:
> I'm making my stupid pet human type this. When she wakes up, she'll think
> she fell asleep at the computer. For some reason, it's very easy to
> control her big, wet, squishy, inefficient primate brain when she's sitting
> in front of that computer screen.
> Sheena the Canadian Tabby wrote that her pet human, Peter Stoll, has
>> ...gone *too* far. We all know about soprano
>> screech-sticks, and even those rat-spawned
>> half-soprano screamers.
> Oh, yes, we know about those, don't we? My stupid pet human, Lelia, just
> set up two nasty old screech sticks she calls "eefers," a wooden one and a
> worse one in metal. She fixed up a fancy little house for the wooden one,
> with a soft velvet lining and latches to keep me out. (She hasn't made ME
> any fancy little velvet-lined houses lately!)
> It's no coincidence that the rats have just finished a feeding orgy on
> 17-year cicadas, and they've been breeding like -- well, like rats. And so
> have these small clarinets! Look at the way she fixed up two of them at
> the same time! No, it can't be a coincidence. It's a global conspiracy,
> that's what it is.
> Our neighbor put out neck-snap traps and killed seven rats in less than a
> week. One of his neck-snappers also killed a fledgling flicker, whereupon
> his (no doubt rodent-controlled and delusional) wife talked him into taking
> away the traps. (They eat chicken, so why do they care if a trap killed a
> birdbrain?) Well, meanwhile, a big fat rat goes prancing all over our
> terrace in broad daylight and calling himself Dick Vigorous. (Would this
> be Dick Vigorous the second? third? fourth? fifteenth?) Why didn't HE get
> caught in the neck-snapper? I'll tell you why: It's because the neighbors
> caught ordinary soldier rats, but the big fat rat on our terrace is a spy,
> pretending he's only a dilettante music lover when really he's passing
> secret information back and forth between the G*rb*ge Tr*ck Monster, the
> V*c**m Cl**n*r Demon and the screech-sticks. They protect each other.
> None of the screech sticks got caught in the neck-snappers, either. It's
> all connected!
>> But somehow my human has discovered the
>> ultimate nightmare. It's about half the size of the
>> normal screech-stick (my human left it on a stand
>> until he realized why I was sharpening my claws)
>> and sounds like a mouse caught in the middle of
>> one of our cat conclaves!
> Disgusting! I didn't know there were smaller screech-sticks. They must be
> younger v*c**m cl**n*r larvae. That's bad. That's what comes of letting
> screech-sticks breed in the closets at night. You must have a serious
> infestation. Probably they've set up a special school to teach these young
> larvae all the subversive tricks. Yes, things are getting worse.
>> I've had to resort to hiding
>> in the basement while he howls and yowls on that
>> little demon. It's armour-piercing! And can't he tell
>> he's so out of tune he sounds like when he first
>> started learning to play? That's progress for
>> you...Alert all our cousins! We have to find the
>> source of these monsters and chew them up fast
>> before any more humans stumble on them!
> Yes, I agree. It's good to chew up their little wooden tongues, too.
> Catch those tongues and destroy them and the mousepieces can't squeal any
> more, although destroying the tongues only silences them temporarily. You
> have to watch out, because the screech-sticks recruit the humans to bring
> home plenty of spare tongues. My pet human brought home boxes and boxes of
> little wooden tongues, including *foreign* ones, from that Cl*r*n*t Pest.
> You see what that's all about: They're teaching each other different
> languages. Different codes. And she bought a new mousepiece to make the
> itty-bitty metal screech-stick scream even louder than before. She says it
> plays jazz. I say it plays RAT POOP.
> (Oh, and that was very nice of her, too, going off with barely an apology
> and making me demand my dinner from my big male human, while she went off
> worshipping with the screech-stick cultists every day for *five days*!
> She's supposed to feed me, and I expect my meals on time, or better yet,
> early. He's reasonably good about scooping the litter box, but evidently
> he doesn't know how to read a clock.)
> And now you tell me there's an even smaller and worse screech-stick! The
> horror! The horror!
>> I just know those dirty rats are behind this. This
>> is serious! This must be that Weapon of Musical
>> Destruction all the humans have been talking about...
> Yes! Yes, I'm sure you're right. And the G*rb*ge Tr*ck Monster controls
> the rats. This is War.
> Shadow Cat
> Lelia Loban
> America can do better: Kerry and Edwards in 2004!
> Klarinet is a service of Woodwind.Org, Inc. http://www.woodwind.org
Klarinet is a service of Woodwind.Org, Inc. http://www.woodwind.org