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Klarinet Archive - Posting 000980.txt from 2000/09

Subj: [kl] The audience acted like a pack of animals....
Date: Sat, 30 Sep 2000 12:30:34 -0400

Patricia Smith wrote:
>> >I have never had a metronome I could pet.

Kenneth Wolman wrote,
>>...and hopefully you have never thrown a dog at the wall!

Willie wrote,
> I did come very close too throwing my cat at the wall after I caught him
>laying a surprise "Easter egg" in my sax case!

Uh-oh, I hope Shadow Cat doesn't read this thread.... That's the one thing
she's never tried. In fact, I've never known her to "miss" the litter box,
no matter what the provocation. Although I think the Eb is a bit more than
averagely provoking.



Date: Sat, 30 Sep 2000 00:13:13 -0666
From: (Shadow Cat)
Subject: Re: [kl] The audience acted like a pack of animals....
Message-ID: 13shadowyforces13.666

I'm making my stupid pet human type this. The ultimate sanction.... I have
considered it, oh yes, indeed. Don't think I haven't. It is difficult to
lower oneself to this extent to make a point, but perhaps, yes perhaps it
must be done....

That little bitty squalling eefer has wrought a great evil hereabouts, for in
the wake of the G*rb*g*e Tr*ck Demon earlier this week came a harpy, never
before seen in this neighborhood: a turkey vulture of enormous size!
Downtown! One block from the main thoroughfare! She had the brazen gall to
squat right in the middle of the street in front of MY HOUSE and messily
gobble at the remains of Nutster Squirrel, who had gone squirrely in the
middle of the road as squirrels will do in the fall. He had attempted to
race a c*r (really not an intelligent idea, but then what do you expect from
a rat with a fancy tail?) with the usual result. But really, first a rat and
now a vulture! I ask you! There goes the neighborhood! We can expect more
invasions of squalid riffraff if the fool woman goes on attracting *that
sort* here by hooting on these screech sticks. The lower orders home right
in on the noise. What's next? Cat-eating alligators in the drainage ditch
down the hill?

Shadow Cat


Date: Sat, 30 Sep 2000 00:15:15 -0015
From: LeliaLoban@-----.)
Subject: Re: [kl] The audience acted like a pack of animals....
Message-ID: 15.33.24cawcawcaw42.33.51

This is to inform Shadow Cat and the rest of you on behalf of the Grand Caw
of the Law that no Formal Petition has been brought to me regarding Screech
Sticks. I cannot act without a Formal Petition presented, in chorus, by a
flock of at least seven, all of whom must have wings and *not* walk on all
fours. However, the matter of last Tuesday's Unauthorized Intruder, to wit
twit twit twit: a Female Turkey Vulture, has been brought to the official
attention of the High Council of Crowdom. We have nattered the matter, at
length, at great length, at lengthy length, in a Plenary Session of the Grand
Caw in Black Walnut II. We have held a Trial, and we have found, with the
woodpeckers, mockingbirds, blue jays and swallows and others all present on
branches, in hollows and down in the wallows, as follows:

1. That this City is not zoned for Buzzardry;
2. That no Vultching is permitted within City Limits;
3. That all Local Carrion is the Sole Property of Local Scavengers; and
4. That the Intruder, to wit twit twit a Female Turkey Vulture, must not
flap wing, clutch claw, shriek beak or do any Rending, Tearing, Consuming or
that Indecent Activity colloquially known as "Car-Bombing" within City Limits.

At the slackening of the rain, we adjourned the Grand Caw from Black Walnut
II and re- convened it at the site of the Infraction, where we did assemble
en masse and did inform the Intruder, to wit twit twit twit: One Female
Turkey Vulture, that she was Guilty Guilty Guilty. We ordered her to Cease
and Desist in these Unlawful Activities and Comply with the Law of the Caw,
with the Caw of the Law, with the Lawful Cawing of the Caw's Law, at once,
without delay, without evasion, in the specified manner, without deviation,
immediately and forthwith:

"Raise your wattles, hit the throttles, sister, or we'll peck you to a
bleeding blister! Out, get out, get out out out, get out, get out, go go go
GO go go awaaaaaaay!!!!

"Get ugly droopy draggy dusty fusty feathers out, oh out!

"Get out with all your flail feathers, tail feathers, get them OUT, get OUT
OUT OUT and never *ever* caw caw caw caw caw caw caw-come back!!!!!"

We flew, swarmed, ssssseeeeethed around her, whilst screaming this Corrective
Directive in intricate counterpoint thrice times three, nine times nine and
81 times 81, and we then harried her forth, forthwith, forwards. At the City
Limits, we were met by representatives of the County Unkindness of Ravens,
led, as ever, by Edgar Nevermore, whose Ravens readily resolved to reinforce
our resolutions resolutely. Therefore, they croakingly repeated our
reproachful rebuke, with further reproving reprimands of their own most wise
devising, as they escorted the Intruder, to wit twit twit twit: one Female
Turkey Vulture, forth from havens of high culture, back to farmlands whence
she came, in the rain, may it flow down the drain, may she not come again.
And thus is the matter exposed and deposed, and thus does it repose.

Yours in all harshness,
Cacadawpawless Crow, Attorney at Caw

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