Klarinet Archive - Posting 000833.txt from 2000/04
Subj: [kl] Sinister annihilation plot afoot and [kl] excuses
Date: Wed, 19 Apr 2000 16:04:00 -0400
Mark Charette wrote,
> SQL for parallel execution and the Middleware server for true
multi-threaded execution instead
> of its current queueing method.
Don Longacre from The Planet of the Beagles wrote,
>>Is this procedure where the death penalty is employed to eliminate overly
dressed hip musicians lined up by twos to have the coup de grace
administered? I don't dig it. I'll bet it was some of that Science Friction
you guys were talkin' about...eh?>>
LOL! I think it's the method the students used to come up with all those
excuses Cindy in Germany sent us. My favorite is, "I had communion." I've
heard of long services, but sheesh! What did this kid commune with, anyway,
and where'd he do it, in the Stygian Grotto of Yog Sothoth?
Really, those kids need to come up with new excuses. I remember some of
those from teaching freshman English a quarter of a century ago. (I
considered proposing a new holiday for the day the term papers fell due: Dead
Granny Day.) How about....
1. Aliens abducted my clarinet.
2. My mother used my reed to frost cupcakes.
3. Black helicopters came and government agents took my music and made me go
4. The agents kept me in a secret location where I couldn't make any noise
while I was waiting to give evidence in secret hearings about my music,
because there's a Top Secret code hidden in it.
5. Then right after the agents brought me home, the aliens came back and
abducted the cupcakes.
6. Then the black helicopters came back and Federal agents confiscated the
reed and arrested my mother, because the reed is really a secret encryption
device and she used it to frost the cupcakes with secret messages for the
6. The Federal agents gave her Truth Serum and found out she didn't really
know anything, because aliens controlled her mind and made her frost the
cupcakes with my clarinet reed, so they brought her back home, but they gave
her a drug so she doesn't remember anything that happened, and that's why you
shouldn't ask her about any of this.
7. And meanwhile, the aliens came back and abducted me, too, and tried to
force me to practice the music with the government's secret code on it, but
they couldn't make me, because, as you remember, the government agents in the
black helicopters had taken my music. Luckily, I hadn't memorized it. This
is why you should never, never memorize music, in case it's really a secret
code. If you memorized it, the aliens could make you play it.
8. And then I escaped with my clarinet and the cupcakes, and I ate all the
cupcakes to destroy those messages, which took a long time, but here I am,
because my clarinet lesson is so important to me that of course I wouldn't
miss it, no matter what.
9. But I never did get my reed back and...
10. ...it's only fair to warn you that the aliens might abduct me again
before next week's lesson.
from the Shadow Planet
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