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Klarinet Archive - Posting 000719.txt from 1999/04

From: ROBERT ABRAHAM <rkabear@-----.net>
Subj: [kl] Attitude supressant
Date: Thu, 15 Apr 1999 14:19:57 -0400

This one came across the orchestra list and I just had to send it to the =
list
here...it seemed to hit home with all the beta-blocker stuff on the list =
now.
It was not attributed to anyone, and I did not write it (flame proof suit=

engaged). Just funny stuff!

Kelly Abraham
Woodwinds/Computer Geek
New York City
*************************************************************************=
*
> Bitcheril =

> =

> (di-tetraethyl-primadonna-bitchenhydrazine sulfate USP) brand of attitu=
de
suppressant for orchestral and ensemble musicians. =

> =

> AVAILABLE FORMS: 325 mg tablets, 500 caplets (BitcherilTM Extra-Strengt=
h),
50 g/l suspension (BitcherilTM IV for continuous intravenous infusion. Se=
e
also Alternate forms below.
> =

> INDICATIONS: for the reduction of attitude, frustration, and general
uppityness in orchestral and ensemble playing situations; for soothing of=

bruised ego; for alleviation of feelings of technical, musical and
interpretive superiority to musicians seated farther forward; for the
temporary relief of professional jealousy, baton envy, and related
conditions.
> =

> DOSAGES: (note: these are recommended guidelines, subject to increase i=
n
cases of exceptional attitude.)
> =

> Children: use of BitcherilTM in children is not recommended, except in =
the
case of child prodigies, for whom extreme dosages have proven to be of
some therapeutic value (see Alternative Forms below)
> =

> Violinists: 2 tablets every three-hour rehearsal; this may be increased=
to 2
Extra-Strength caplets if symptoms persist.
> =

> Flautists: The recommended dosage of 5000 mg. every one-half hour
rehearsal makes oral administration impractical; generally continuous
intravenous infusion is indicated.
> =

> Lower string and woodwind players: one-half tablet every 3-hour rehears=
al
for every octave of tessitura above 5-ft. bass C. Brass players; research=
has
shown that the attitudinal receptors of brass players are immune to
suppression by any means; the use of attitude-suppressant agents has prov=
ed of
little or no therapeutic value in these cases.
> =

> POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS: Dizziness, confusion, decreased ability to keep
track of running measure numbers, general decrease in creativity and
originality; in violinists, excessive dosages have been known to cause
dramatic and uncontrollable increases in alto-clef-reading ability, and a=

marked desire to play relatively uninteresting accompanimental figures. =

> =

> Alternative forms of BitcherilTM =

> =

> (di-tetraethyl-primadonna-bitchenhydrazine sulfate USP), for use in
special situations:
> =

> GripenotTM =

>(Bitcheril brand attitude suppressant in pleasant-tasting espresso
flavored liquid form, for those who experience difficulty in swallowing
tablets, or for surreptitious introduction into a fellow musician's
cappuccino) =

> =

> Nag-B-GonTM =

> =

> (BitcherilTM brand attitude suppressant in aerosol form, for section or=

orchestra-wide dispersal) =

> =

> F***offTM =

> =

> (BitcherilTM brand attitude suppressant in compact Triple-Extra-Strengt=
h
suppositories). =

> =

> Note: This is the only form proven effective for child prodigies and
vocal soloists. =

> =

> Philharmonica Pharmaceuticals - Berkeley

Get free e-mail and a permanent address at http://www.netaddress.com/?N=3D=
1

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