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Klarinet Archive - Posting 001085.txt from 1999/01

From: "Buckman, Nancy" <>
Subj: RE: [kl] Recipe--How to cook a Conductor
Date: Wed, 20 Jan 1999 22:51:54 -0500


This went around when Steve Gilmer was still here and the orchestra members
loved it, they could really relate. Anyway, if you haven't seen it, have a


> ----------
> From: Paulette W. Gulakowski[]
> Reply To:
> Sent: 20. tammikuuta 1999 22:49
> To:
> Subject: Re: [kl] Recipe--How to cook a Conductor
> Have they been circulating this in Philadelphia? I understand THEY are
> looking for a conductor...
> Paulette
> On Wed, 20 Jan 1999 17:12:12 -0800 "Kevin Fay (LCA)"
> <> writes:
> >Can't speak as to how tasty this is . . . but this is apparently how
> >it's
> >done.
> >
> >kjf
> >
> >
> >Ingredients:
> >
> >One large Conductor, or two small assistant conductors
> >Ketchup
> >26 large garlic cloves
> >Crisco or other solid vegetable shortening (Lard may be used)
> >1 cask cheap wine
> >1 lb. alfalfa sprouts
> >2 lbs. assorted yuppie food, such as tofu or yogurt
> >One abused performing group
> >
> >First, catch a Conductor. Remove the tail and horns. Carefully
> >separate the
> >large ego and reserve for sauce. Remove any batons, pencils (on
> >permanent
> >loan from the Principal Flute) and long articulations and discard.
> >
> >Remove the hearing aid and discard (it never worked anyway). Examine
> >your
> >conductor carefully - many of them are mostly large intestine. If you
> >have
> >such a Conductor, you will have to discard it and catch another. Clean
> >the
> >Conductor as you would a squid, but do not separate the tentacles from
> >the
> >body. If you have an older Conductor, such as one from a Major
> >Symphony
> >Orchestra or Summer Music Festival, you may wish to tenderize by
> >pounding
> >the Conductor on a rock with timpani mallets or by smashing the
> >Conductor
> >between two large cymbals.
> >
> >Next, pour 1/2 of the cask of wine into a bath tub and soak the
> >Conductor in
> >the wine for at least 12 hours (exceptions: British, German and some
> >Canadian Conductors have a natural beery taste which some people like
> >and
> >the wine might not marry well with this flavor. Use your judgment).
> >When the
> >Conductor is sufficiently marinated, remove any clothes the Conductor
> >may be
> >wearing and rub it all over with the garlic. Then cover your Conductor
> >with
> >the Crisco. using vague, slow circular motions.
> >
> >Next, take your group and put as much music out as the stands will
> >hold
> >without falling over, and make sure that there are lots of really loud
> >passages for everyone, big loud chords for the winds and brass, and
> >lots and
> >lots of tremolos for the strings. (Bruckner might be appropriate).
> >Rehearse
> >these passages several times, making certain that the brass and winds
> >are
> >always playing as loud as they can and the strings are tremolo-ing at
> >their
> >highest speed. This should ensure adequate flames for cooking your
> >Conductor. If not, insist on taking every repeat and be sure to add
> >the
> >second repeats in really large symphonies. Ideally, you should choose
> >your
> >repertoire to have as many repeats as possible, but if you have a
> >piece with
> >no repeats in it at all, just add some, claiming that you have seen
> >the
> >original, and there was an ink blot there that "looked like a repeat"
> >to you
> >and had obviously been missed by every other fool who had looked at
> >this
> >score. If taking all the repeats does not generate sufficient flames,
> >burn
> >the complete set of score and parts to all of the Bruckner symphonies.
> >
> >
> >When the flames have died down to a medium inferno, place your
> >Conductor on
> >top of your orchestra (they won't mind as they are used to it) until
> >it is
> >well tanned, the hair turns back to its natural color and all of the
> >fat has
> >dripped out. Be careful not to overcook or your Conductor could end up
> >tasting like stuffed ham.
> >
> >Make a sauce by combining the ego, sprouts and ketchup to taste,
> >placing it
> >all in the blender and pureeing until smooth. If the ego is bitter,
> >sweeten
> >with honey to taste.
> >
> >Slice your Conductor as you would any turkey. Serve accompanied by
> >the
> >assorted yuppie food and the remaining wine with the sauce on the
> >side.
> >
> >WARNING: Due to environmental toxins present in conductor feeding
> >areas,
> >such as heavy metals, oily residue from intensive PR machinery
> >manufacture,
> >and extraordinarily high concentrations of E.coli, cryptosporidium,
> >and
> >other hazardous organisms associated with animal wastes, the
> >Departments for
> >Conductor Decimation (DCD) recommend that the consumption of
> >conductors be
> >limited to one per season. Overconsumption of conductors has been
> >implicated
> >in the epidemiology of a virulent condition known as "Bataan fever."
> >Symptoms of this disorder include swelling of the brain, spasms in the
> >extremities, delusions of competence, auditory hallucinations and
> >excessive
> >longevity.
> >
> >
> >
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