Klarinet Archive - Posting 001074.txt from 1999/01
From: "rjohnson" <rjohnson@-----.net>
Subj: Re: [kl] Recipe--How to cook a Conductor
Date: Wed, 20 Jan 1999 22:51:43 -0500
This came over my clarinet list tonight. I thought you would get a chuckle
out of it.
BTW how's it going?
> From: Kevin Fay (LCA) <kevinfay@-----.com>
> To: 'klarinet@-----.org'
> Subject: [kl] Recipe--How to cook a Conductor
> Date: Wednesday, January 20, 1999 7:12 PM
> Can't speak as to how tasty this is . . . but this is apparently how it's
> One large Conductor, or two small assistant conductors
> 26 large garlic cloves
> Crisco or other solid vegetable shortening (Lard may be used)
> 1 cask cheap wine
> 1 lb. alfalfa sprouts
> 2 lbs. assorted yuppie food, such as tofu or yogurt
> One abused performing group
> First, catch a Conductor. Remove the tail and horns. Carefully separate
> large ego and reserve for sauce. Remove any batons, pencils (on permanent
> loan from the Principal Flute) and long articulations and discard.
> Remove the hearing aid and discard (it never worked anyway). Examine your
> conductor carefully - many of them are mostly large intestine. If you
> such a Conductor, you will have to discard it and catch another. Clean
> Conductor as you would a squid, but do not separate the tentacles from
> body. If you have an older Conductor, such as one from a Major Symphony
> Orchestra or Summer Music Festival, you may wish to tenderize by pounding
> the Conductor on a rock with timpani mallets or by smashing the Conductor
> between two large cymbals.
> Next, pour 1/2 of the cask of wine into a bath tub and soak the Conductor
> the wine for at least 12 hours (exceptions: British, German and some
> Canadian Conductors have a natural beery taste which some people like and
> the wine might not marry well with this flavor. Use your judgment). When
> Conductor is sufficiently marinated, remove any clothes the Conductor may
> wearing and rub it all over with the garlic. Then cover your Conductor
> the Crisco. using vague, slow circular motions.
> Next, take your group and put as much music out as the stands will hold
> without falling over, and make sure that there are lots of really loud
> passages for everyone, big loud chords for the winds and brass, and lots
> lots of tremolos for the strings. (Bruckner might be appropriate).
> these passages several times, making certain that the brass and winds are
> always playing as loud as they can and the strings are tremolo-ing at
> highest speed. This should ensure adequate flames for cooking your
> Conductor. If not, insist on taking every repeat and be sure to add the
> second repeats in really large symphonies. Ideally, you should choose
> repertoire to have as many repeats as possible, but if you have a piece
> no repeats in it at all, just add some, claiming that you have seen the
> original, and there was an ink blot there that "looked like a repeat" to
> and had obviously been missed by every other fool who had looked at this
> score. If taking all the repeats does not generate sufficient flames,
> the complete set of score and parts to all of the Bruckner symphonies.
> When the flames have died down to a medium inferno, place your Conductor
> top of your orchestra (they won't mind as they are used to it) until it
> well tanned, the hair turns back to its natural color and all of the fat
> dripped out. Be careful not to overcook or your Conductor could end up
> tasting like stuffed ham.
> Make a sauce by combining the ego, sprouts and ketchup to taste, placing
> all in the blender and pureeing until smooth. If the ego is bitter,
> with honey to taste.
> Slice your Conductor as you would any turkey. Serve accompanied by the
> assorted yuppie food and the remaining wine with the sauce on the side.
> WARNING: Due to environmental toxins present in conductor feeding areas,
> such as heavy metals, oily residue from intensive PR machinery
> and extraordinarily high concentrations of E.coli, cryptosporidium, and
> other hazardous organisms associated with animal wastes, the Departments
> Conductor Decimation (DCD) recommend that the consumption of conductors
> limited to one per season. Overconsumption of conductors has been
> in the epidemiology of a virulent condition known as "Bataan fever."
> Symptoms of this disorder include swelling of the brain, spasms in the
> extremities, delusions of competence, auditory hallucinations and
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