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Klarinet Archive - Posting 001071.txt from 1999/01

From: "Kevin Fay (LCA)" <kevinfay@-----.com>
Subj: [kl] Recipe--How to cook a Conductor
Date: Wed, 20 Jan 1999 20:12:12 -0500

Can't speak as to how tasty this is . . . but this is apparently how it's
done.

kjf

Ingredients:

One large Conductor, or two small assistant conductors
Ketchup
26 large garlic cloves
Crisco or other solid vegetable shortening (Lard may be used)
1 cask cheap wine
1 lb. alfalfa sprouts
2 lbs. assorted yuppie food, such as tofu or yogurt
One abused performing group

First, catch a Conductor. Remove the tail and horns. Carefully separate the
large ego and reserve for sauce. Remove any batons, pencils (on permanent
loan from the Principal Flute) and long articulations and discard.

Remove the hearing aid and discard (it never worked anyway). Examine your
conductor carefully - many of them are mostly large intestine. If you have
such a Conductor, you will have to discard it and catch another. Clean the
Conductor as you would a squid, but do not separate the tentacles from the
body. If you have an older Conductor, such as one from a Major Symphony
Orchestra or Summer Music Festival, you may wish to tenderize by pounding
the Conductor on a rock with timpani mallets or by smashing the Conductor
between two large cymbals.

Next, pour 1/2 of the cask of wine into a bath tub and soak the Conductor in
the wine for at least 12 hours (exceptions: British, German and some
Canadian Conductors have a natural beery taste which some people like and
the wine might not marry well with this flavor. Use your judgment). When the
Conductor is sufficiently marinated, remove any clothes the Conductor may be
wearing and rub it all over with the garlic. Then cover your Conductor with
the Crisco. using vague, slow circular motions.

Next, take your group and put as much music out as the stands will hold
without falling over, and make sure that there are lots of really loud
passages for everyone, big loud chords for the winds and brass, and lots and
lots of tremolos for the strings. (Bruckner might be appropriate). Rehearse
these passages several times, making certain that the brass and winds are
always playing as loud as they can and the strings are tremolo-ing at their
highest speed. This should ensure adequate flames for cooking your
Conductor. If not, insist on taking every repeat and be sure to add the
second repeats in really large symphonies. Ideally, you should choose your
repertoire to have as many repeats as possible, but if you have a piece with
no repeats in it at all, just add some, claiming that you have seen the
original, and there was an ink blot there that "looked like a repeat" to you
and had obviously been missed by every other fool who had looked at this
score. If taking all the repeats does not generate sufficient flames, burn
the complete set of score and parts to all of the Bruckner symphonies.

When the flames have died down to a medium inferno, place your Conductor on
top of your orchestra (they won't mind as they are used to it) until it is
well tanned, the hair turns back to its natural color and all of the fat has
dripped out. Be careful not to overcook or your Conductor could end up
tasting like stuffed ham.

Make a sauce by combining the ego, sprouts and ketchup to taste, placing it
all in the blender and pureeing until smooth. If the ego is bitter, sweeten
with honey to taste.

Slice your Conductor as you would any turkey. Serve accompanied by the
assorted yuppie food and the remaining wine with the sauce on the side.

WARNING: Due to environmental toxins present in conductor feeding areas,
such as heavy metals, oily residue from intensive PR machinery manufacture,
and extraordinarily high concentrations of E.coli, cryptosporidium, and
other hazardous organisms associated with animal wastes, the Departments for
Conductor Decimation (DCD) recommend that the consumption of conductors be
limited to one per season. Overconsumption of conductors has been implicated
in the epidemiology of a virulent condition known as "Bataan fever."
Symptoms of this disorder include swelling of the brain, spasms in the
extremities, delusions of competence, auditory hallucinations and excessive
longevity.

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