Klarinet Archive - Posting 000150.txt from 2004/08

From: Bill Hausmann <bhausmann1@-----.net>
Subj: [kl] THE PERFECT SIDEMAN
Date: Fri, 6 Aug 2004 20:14:13 -0400


>1. Never recommend anyone who plays better than you.
>2. Always suck up. (Leaders, bartenders, bride
>and/or groom, management, etc.)
>3. If you don't know it, play harmony.
>4. Double book, then choose.
>5. Always assume the leader knows nothing.
>6. Always degrade types of music you can't play or
>know nothing about.
>7. Always bring your own business cards and solicit
>during breaks.
>8. Never play requests (especially if you know it).
>9. Never smile.
>10. Always complain.
>11. Save all high notes for warming up and after
>engagement. (horn and woodwinds only.)
>12. Guitarist use distortion whenever possible
>13. Never show up sooner than 30 seconds before an
>engagement. (One minute if you have equipment to set up.)
>14. Never leave a book in order. Whenever possible,
>write on music in ink.
>15. Always play Trane or Parker licks during fox
>trots, tangos, waltzes, or anything in D minor. (show
>what you can do.)
>16. Always open spit valves over music.
>17. If the leader is not sure of a tune, always use
>substitute changes over his vocals or solos.
>18. Always worship dead jazz greats.
>19. Be negative about anything connected with the job.
>20. Always bring drinks back to the bandstand.
>21. When a break is over, always disappear. If this
>is not possible, make a phone call.
>22. If you're backing up an act, talk when not
>playing. If it's a comic, don't laugh.
>23. Always bum a ride.
>24. Always wait until someone else is buying before
>you get thirsty.
>25. Never bring your own cigarettes to an engagement.
>26. Avoid tipping at all cost (waitresses, coatroom,
>valet, etc.).
>27. Always ask, "When does the band eat", or
>"Where's our table"?
>28. Remember, if you didn=B4t book the gig, feel free
>to mingle with guests and have fun.
>29. If the wine is good, and free, drink all you possibly can, but bitch=20
>anyway about the mediocre quality.
>30. If the wine is low quality, drink all you
>possibly can, and bitch about the cheapskate who
>organized the party.
>31. If you must pay for any alcohol, drink coffee
>and cokes, and bitch about the cheapskate who
>organized the party.
>32. In any case, complain. This is a very important
>sideman's duty. It keeps the bandleader nervous and humble.

Bill Hausmann

If you have to mic a saxophone, the rest of the band is TOO LOUD!

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