Klarinet Archive - Posting 000821.txt from 2003/07

From: "Lelia Loban" <lelialoban@-----.net>
Subj: [kl] Mostly Mozart
Date: Wed, 30 Jul 2003 17:54:36 -0400

Rats! I missed that concert. I'll have to catch a re-run.

Tim Parks wrote,
>I found the time spent on the clarinetist was way too short.
>How, was I to figure out his setup with so short of time span?
>How about zooming in on the MPC. Maybe such performers
>should wear head bands like pro atheletes but instead of NIKE
>spell out such things as set-ups and instruments.
>
>I could see it now...
>
> the camera zooms in on the 1st clarinet chair
>Jim-bob: "this is a particular tense moment for Mr. ___,
>the long rest is almost over and the orchestra is building
>a nice cresendo. Notice that he is wetting the reed slightly.
>I believe he is using the Gonzolas #4.0 tonight.

Music-casters Jim-bob and Clyde proceed to announce the concert as if it
were a sporting event....

I won't wish sleepless nights on you, Tim, but I hope you let your mind run
wild again. In real life, unfortunately, audiences can hear something
similar, but considerably less competent, at the Wolf Trap outdoor concerts
in Northern Virginia. These concerts feature top-level performers.
However, as a letter to the editor complained in _The Washington Post_ this
week, many people in the audience behave as if they were at a soccer match.
They talk to their neighbors or, worse, they fire up their cell phones and
yap, yap, yappety yap, all the way through the performance.

I've quit going to Wolf Trap, because, for instance, if Tony Pay came here
and played a clarinet concerto, sure as snot some yuppie chucklehead
sitting on the lawn right behind me would whip out his cell and relay a
detailed description to Freddy Frazzle back home: "Oh, there's a soloist
tonight. He's playing one of those black things with the silver keys. No,
it's a sort of a black tube thing. What's that called? A bassoon? No,
no, the bassoon is bigger. It's the big red thing. No, it's not black
metal. It's black wood. Silver keys. No, there's no bow. He's blowing
into it. Yeah, yeah, like what Sally Snoot's kid plays. Clarinet? Okay,
okay, thanks, yeah, it's a clarinet, I guess. Oh, hey, dumb me, it says
'clarinet' right here in the program.

"He's real good. Hey, what's the big brass thing called? The really
really huge brass thing. No, not that--that's a trombone. Hey, I know
that one! No, the one I mean is the thing that's fat- shaped and it flares
out at the top like a giant spittoon. And you spit into it. Ha ha ha.
Not into the top. Into the other end. But you blow into it, get it? Ha
ha.

"Oh, there's a dragonfly. Or no, it's a whaddyacallit, the one with the
ass end that lights up green. Yeah, a lightning bug, right. Whoa, there's
a whole flock of 'em! Do you say flock of lightning bugs or is it a, I
dunno, a flight of 'em or what? Whoa, cool, he got a really high note that
time. This is pretty good music. It says here it's by Mozart. Wasn't he a
Russian?

No, I'm sitting on the lawn. I hope I don't get grass stains on my khakis.
I wish I'd worn the green trousers. The old green ones, with the oil
stains. You remember, the oil stains from when we did the engine rebuild
on Joe's 1968 Morgan? Yeah, those are my Joe's Morgan Memorial Trousers.
But I didn't wear those. This grass is sorta wet. I'm sitting on a
blanket, but I can feel it's getting damp. I shouldn't of worn my good
khakis. Angela's got a great big wet spot right on the seat of her--
Don't hit me, Angela. Hahaha. Angela's hitting me. Well, I can't help it
if you're sitting in the wet spot, honeybunch.

"Now he's playing a slow part. I like the fast parts better. What did you
say this instrument is? Clarinet. Yeah, right, clarinet. Does Joe still
have that Morgan, or did he get rid of it when he bought the 1941 Chrysler?
He always said you needed a kidney belt to drive a Morgan. How come they
call this music a concerto, anyways? Why don't they just write it in
English and call it a concert? Yeah, coming here was Angela's idea, but
it's nice music. Well, it's better than that headbanger crap you listen to!
No, really, I like classical music, as long as it's not that modern stuff.
Yeah, I know--some of that stuff sounds like monkeys on a drunk. But
Mozart's mostly okay."

And he'll keep going like that until it's time to applaud. He needs both
hands to applaud, and he does want to applaud vigorously, to show his deep
appreciation, and also because everybody else is applauding; so that's when
he says goodbye and hangs up. He'll call Sally Snoot during the symphony
and tell her that a few minutes ago, he heard somebody playing the same
instrument Sally's daughter plays, only he already forgot what it's called,
but if the kid practices a lot, maybe someday she can come play at Wolf
Trap, too. Sally's twelve-year-old daughter isn't practicing at the
moment. Her mom thinks she's doing her homework in her bedroom, but
actually she sneaked out to drink beer with some high school boys, down at
the creek. They aren't talking about Mozart, either.

Lelia Loban
E-mail: lelialoban@-----.net
Web site (original music scores as audio or print-out):
http://members.sibeliusmusic.com/LeliaLoban

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