Klarinet Archive - Posting 000104.txt from 2003/07

From: "Lelia Loban" <lelialoban@-----.net>
Subj: [kl] OT and Kick-Her-Out Long (was [kl] Anons)
Date: Thu, 3 Jul 2003 09:46:06 -0400

Kevin Fay wrote:
>In this country (USA), there's a long history of anonymous political
>discourse. Most of the pamphlets from the American Revolution were first
>published anonymously - in no small part out of fear of retribution, no
>doubt. Most of the Federalist Papers were first published anonymously as
>well, however, when there could be no personal backlash, under the theory
>that the ideas should stand by themselves. The difference between an
>anonymous opinion and that of a person who offers a name unknown to me is
>negligible.

That's a good point. Then, too, we've got no way of knowing that all of us
who *do* sign a name here are who we say we are. Besides, experts and
intelligent people are usually the first to admit that sometimes they make
bad arguments--and most of the time, an educated person is smart enough to
be grateful for good information, whether it comes from another expert, or
from a doofus who hasn't said anything else worth taking seriously in six
years but happens to get it right this time, or from "Anon." In the long
run, we're more likely to conquer ignorance if we have the self-respect to
consider the source *and also* judge each other's arguments purely for what
they're worth. I use my real name anyway, for self-discipline, because if
I sign my own name, I know I'll have to take responsibility for whatever I
write. That makes me somewhat less likely to write something
irresponsible.

Replying to Kevin Fay's mention of anonymous political writings by Colonial
American revolutionaries, Bill Hausmann wrote,
>>Of course, in the cited case above, these guys were in genuine fear for
>>their LIVES. That they even dared to get the ideas out anonymously still
>>put them in grave danger. I think they can be forgiven under those
>>circumstances. Clarinetists in general are a pretty tightly wound bunch,
>>but I don't believe most issues on the list involve life and death
situations.

That's true of klarinet list issues--I can't quite imagine any of us
sending death threats to people who prefer the "wrong" mouthpiece--oh, wait
a minute. I just did imagine it, didn't I? But it's not *likely*, I
agree. Still, we can't assume that people have no life outside this list.
I think it's harsh to presume that there's no legitimate reason for some
people to need more than average privacy protection. The need for
anonymity may have nothing to do with clarinets or even with music.

For instance, anyone who's been stalked (not necessarily by a murderous
ex-spouse--maybe just by an overly-intrusive admirer) might reasonably
hesitate to use his or her real name *anywhere* online (remember that even
though this list goes out by private e-mail, it's then posted online),
because cyber-stalkers' first resort in hunting their prey is to Google the
name and then run it through a few other search engines. The anonymity of
the Internet gives cover to crooks and jerks, yes, but it also protects
celebrities, politicians and other people who live in a fish tank,
including involuntary celebrities, such as innocent witnesses to crimes so
sensationalized in the media that there's a press stakeout hounding
everybody connected with the case. Anonymity on the Net gives these people
a chance to have a social life, unsatisfactory and limited though it may be.

In-your-face anonymity irritates people so much, though, that I think it's
less antagonizing to make up a fake name that looks like an ordinary, real
name, then give it a convincingly realistic personality and history, with
its very own e-mail account. If the personality isn't a troll, where's the
harm if nobody's the wiser? Some of us have met each other in real life
(if any) and we know who we are, but for the most part, those of us who
have never met under circumstances that automatically reveal true identity
must accept each other's bona fides on faith, whether we're as forthrightly
anonymous as "Anon." or not.

For example, that self-righteous comment I made about using my real name
was a bit of a fudge: Lelia Loban is my real *maiden* name. I was already
writing for publication when Kevin and I married, so I just kept on using
my maiden name professionally, but when we first moved to Virginia in the
early 1970s, this state still had the archaic law requiring married women
to adopt their husband's last names. I kept his name on all my legal
documents after the law was repealed, because never revealing my legal last
name online or in other places with notoriously lousy security makes a
nice, simple barrier against the growing problem of identity theft.

But how do you know I'm not lying about that, too? How do you know if I'm
really the 55-year- old female writer, stained glass designer-builder,
former English teacher, former investigative researcher, former
sign-painter and long-time amateur clarinet player I claim to be? I mean,
think about it: Does that mixture of stuff sound probable?

Well, the joke's on you, because I'm really the guy they accuse of setting
my pit bull on Lelia Loban's pet cat five years ago. They say I beat the
nosy old bitch to death with her own clarinet when she tried to butt in.
Just for kicks, I use the dead broad's identity *and her dead cat's, too,*
when I send out my e-mail from Death Row. It's not my fault. Blame the
federal government agents. They came in a black helicopter and abducted me
and beamed me up to an alien space ship where they put this microchip in my
brain to make me think I did something bad, but the chip wore out and now I
know that my so-called confession was totally bogus, because I'm innocent.
The microchip made me black out when she was being killed, but I know I
didn't murder anybody. (Even though she had it coming--I mean, what's she
yelling and whining about? Her stupid ugly cat's seriously dead by the
time she comes running out of the house--there's nothing she can do about
it, nothing I can do about it--so just shut the hell up and let my dog have
his fun ripping the--but no, she's getting in my face, in my face, IN MY
FACE!!!) I'll bet those government agents snuffed her. She was some kind
of a spy. That's why they shot my dog, too. I bet they had a secret
government microchip planted in him all along and that's how he found out
about her and her cat being spies. They used me for a cover-up. The judge
who sentenced me was in on it, too. The clarinet had something to do with
it, too, because why else did the old bag have it in her hand when she
came outside?--probably those clarinets come with microchips, too--they
make the clarinets in a Top Secret government factory with atomic radiation
microchips hidden under the keys and they soak those reeds in a mind
control serum, by the way, in case you didn't think I knew--so here I am,
doing my research. They can't stop me. I know my rights. I have a legal
right to do my research for my court proceedings. But just you wait, I got
myself a hot lawyer who's appealing my case, and when she goes and shakes
her bootie for the jury I bet you pretty soon I'll be a free man. With a
few scores to settle. And I don't mean in the key of D.

Too farfetched? Well, the truth is, I'm not really a convict. No, I'm a
17-year-old high school boy who hasn't quite worked up the nerve to come
out as a transvestite and wear women's clothes in public. See, I'm just
trying out the identity, by locking the bedroom door, slipping my lacy pink
ladies' undies and negligee out of the back of the closet, plumping up my
falsies and using a woman's name online. I don't mean any harm. I just
love the clarinet. Love it, love it, love it! There's something just so,
so...just so wildly phallic about it!

Not buying that one, either, huh? Okay, okay, how's this: I'm really a
world-famous clarinet player, who....

No good? Actually, I'm a 900-year-old vampire. Don't you believe me?
Well, that's all right, because the vampires don't believe in you, either.

;-)
Lelia Lobanonymous

Lelia Loban (no, really!)
E-mail: lelialoban@-----.net
Web site (original music scores as audio or print-out):
http://members.sibeliusmusic.com/LeliaLoban

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Klarinet is supported by Woodwind.Org, http://www.woodwind.org/