Klarinet Archive - Posting 000369.txt from 2003/04

From: Dan Leeson <leeson0@-----.net>
Subj: [kl] War against the viola section of the LA Phil.
Date: Sat, 26 Apr 2003 00:35:05 -0400

The following funny but slightly obscene posting about the LA
Philharmonic was sent to me by a friend. I found it hilarious and a
spoof on the Iraq war. Enjoy, but please don't be offended.

Dan Leeson

The United States attacked the viola section of the Los Angeles
Philharmonic last night.

Our intent was to send a message to Hyram Gleason, the despotic viola
section leader, that intonation violations against the Internationally
accepted norm for A of 440 vibrations per second will not be tolerated,
Mr. Bush, the President of the United States announced last night in a
nationally televised address to the nation.

Hyram Gleason, principal violist of the Philharmonic for twenty-three
years, reported a loud blast as the orchestra performed at Symphony
Hall last evening.

We were playing the debut of the John Adams new work, Symphony For Celia,
Mr. Gleason told CNN. The shock wave of the explosion caused me to miss
several notes, but I managed to recover in time for my big solo at letter
S. When I finished the solo -- which went quite well, by the way -- I
managed to peep over my shoulder to see a gaping hole where the trombones
usually sit.

Mr. Bush, long a fan of George Strait, seemed staunchly resolved in his
crusade to restore adherence to international pitch. He offered a short
critique on the situation of the errant hit that failed to take out its
intended target. Some bombs like classical music and some bombs are smart.

Several retired conductors interviewed immediately after the incident
seemed to feel that the orchestras performance hadnt suffered
noticeably.

Eliminating the trombones might be the best thing that could have
happened, one conductor noted. Without disturbing the quality of the
music, it sends an unmistakable message to Hyram Gleason that the
President of the United States says what he means and means what he
says.

The trombone section remains unavailable for comment.

In further developments elements of the Navy Seals may have secured the
last three stands of the second violin section. Complaints of gunfire in
the vicinity of the oboe section would explain several moments of silence
during the first movement of Beethoven's Fifth Symphony where the
principal oboist usually can be heard in a mournful soliloquy. The bass
section was seen chanting anti American slogans during their traditional
twenty-bar rest that follows the missing oboe solo.

Fuck Bush, they called out in unison.

Myriam Corsoni, the manager of the Los Angeles Philharmonic suggested the
only thing unusual in the bass demonstration was that she had never before
heard them do anything in unison. Theyre probably horny, she stated for
the record. And from the film I saw on CNN of the incident, no doubt they
were lost. They always get lost when the oboe fails to make his entrance.

The President had the last word on the necessity of the operation dubbed,
Classical Music Freedom.

That classical music, he said. So many notes without good lyrics. It's
high time somebody did something about it.

When asked how bombing the orchestra would achieve these objectives the
president first checked his latest George Strait recording before
assuring the assembled reporters, Sometimes you have to destroy the
orchestra to save the music.

Then he turned up the sound on his CD so that everyone might hear the
lyrics.
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**Dan Leeson **
**leeson0@-----.net **
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