Klarinet Archive - Posting 000357.txt from 2003/03

From: "Patricia A. Smith" <patricia@-----.net>
Subj: [kl] Relating emotional state to musical performance, and career choices;
Date: Fri, 7 Mar 2003 22:03:41 -0500

> Walter Grabner wrote:
>
> This was - flat out - the greatest period of musical growth I have ever
> had in my life. So Rebecca - when you lose - turn it into an opportunity
>to learn, change, and grow. I did.

Up until now, I have simply watched this thread, and not responded.
Thanks Walter, for presenting, what I believe, is perhaps the best
all-around answer to this distressing situation.

Rebecca, I would like to add that your music is, always, uniquely yours.
Your voice is always uniquely your own. It's like your birthday - no
one can take it away from you. I too suffered from the problem of being
so competitive that, eventually, I practically had a nervous breakdown
from it. I don't really think anyone around me, except for a few
people, realized what the problem really was. I am not particularly
psychologically suited for a career in music or music education. This
is not to say I didn't enjoy it immensely, or that I might not take it
up again. However, until I dealt with my own personal issues, I was
unable to deal emotionally with the many events that come down life's
turnpike.

At the risk of making this a bit long, I'll only share my story as it
relates to myself. I don't like bringing up other people, though there
are those who know me and what I was like. No doubt, I owe them amends
for some dreadful behavior on my part. And I readily offer those amends.

I always suffered from anxiety, especially when it came to auditions and
performances. Stage fright doesn't even begin to describe it - my hands
would sweat until they were almost uncontrollable, and my breathing
would become so shallow it was almost uncontrollable. Focusing on this
aspect of music didn't help things one bit. It made it a great deal
worse, believe me. Looking back now, I am fairly sure although it is
not the entire genesis of my alcohol abuse, it certainly had an
influence there.

I was self-centered, and obnoxious and quite a know-it-all in many ways.
And at the same time, so insecure, you could see me coming a mile
away. If you put this together with latent, then later, active
alcoholism, you have a time bomb there. Oh, I did "prove myself" by
getting into a conservatory Master's Degree program - I'd like to think
I got in there on my own merits. But I was unable to stay there, due to
my eotional problems. Not to mention that although I auditioned well
getting in, I completely bombed the auditions for ensembles at the
beginning of the term. I think it was because I could not handle the day
to day pressures of that environment- I was neither suited to it, nor
did I really like it. Yeah, you read right - as much as I love music, I
didn't really WANT to be where I was - yet, I had blocked myself into a
corner for so long, and was so crazy, I had nowhere to go with myself.

I ended up in the military for 14 years - I think, in retrospect, that
what I liked about the Navy was the structure. You always know where
you stand, and your days are pretty much laid out for you. There aren't
a lot of unknowns. Since I had to leave (Our selves have a way of
catching up with us), I've realized that maybe there are many other
areas of myself that are worth exploring and that that is all right
also, while my children are small, such as writing fiction.

Do I still love the clarinet and music? Certainly. However, I've
rather lost the compulsion I had about it - to always be so competitive
to the point that I was sick about it - and having to put down others
and find fault with them in every way to feel better about me. Those
are things I would just as soon not have as part of myself, especially
in rearing children. I'm still growing in this respect, and still
coming to terms with a number of things. But I feel that I have the
abilities I have for a reason, and no one can take them away, or make
them less than what they are. The only person that CAN make them more
than anything is me - through hard work and improvement. Which isn't
impossible, even at the ripe old age of 45.

I don't know if this is helpful to anyone. I hope it is. If my story
can help anyone to find a different direction in life, as well as to
garner more joy from music, (not to mention avoid substance abuse! ;-)
then it will have been worth the telling.

Kindest regards to all,
Patricia A. Bandy Spillane Smith

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