Klarinet Archive - Posting 000453.txt from 2002/12

From: "Rebecca Brennan" <rjbrennan1221@-----.com>
Subj: Re: [kl] Some musician jokes
Date: Thu, 19 Dec 2002 07:40:44 -0500

A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her
roommate asked, "Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great
kisser?"
"Nah," the first girl replied. "That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was
no fun at all."
The next night she went out with a tuba player, and when she came back her
roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?"
"Ugh!" the first girl exclaimed. "Those huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering
slabs of meat; oh, it was just gross!"
The next night she went out with a French horn player, and when she came
back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?"
"Well," the first girl replied, "his kissing was just so-so; but I loved the
way he held me!"

Why is the French horn a divine instrument? Because a man blows in it, but
only God knows what comes out of it.

How do you know when a clarinet player is at your house? They don't know
where to enter or what key to use.
What's the difference between a clarinet solo and scraping your nails down
the blackboard? Vibrato.

How do you stop an oboe from being stolen? Put it in a clarinet case.

How do you know when a clarinetist has died? The concertmaster moves them
back a chair...

How do you get a clarinetist out of a tree? Cut the noose.

What do a clarinet and a lawsuit have in common? Everyone is relieved when
the case is closed.

Why do clarinetists blow their horns between their legs? That's all the
excitement they can get.

Is there any difference between the sound of a clarinet and that of a cat in
heat? Of course there is, but only if the cat's in good health.

What's the purpose of the bell on a bass clarinet? Storing the ashes from
the rest of the instrument.

A new customer walks into the new store on the block that sells brains.
There are three glass cases, each containing a nice wet quivering grey
brain. The first one says "Astrophysicist", and it costs $10. The second
says "Avon Salesman" and costs $1000. The third says "Drummer" and costs
$10,000. The customer is confused, and questions the salesperson. "I don't
get it...why would I want a drummer's brain for $10,000 when I can get an
astrophysicists' for $10?". The salesman replies, "Because it's never been
used."
What's the difference between a drum machine and a drummer? You only have to
punch the information into the drum machine once!

A drummer, tired from being ridiculed by his peers, decides to learn how to
play some "real" musical instruments. He goes to a music store, walks in,
approaches the store clerk, and says "I'll take that red trumpet over there
and that accordian." The store clerk looks at him a bit funny, and replies
"OK, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator's got to stay".

If a dollar bill was laying in the center of a room, and the Easter Bunny,
Santa Claus, a good drummer, and a bad drummer were standing in the corners,
who would get the money? The bad drummer since the other three don’t exist!

What's the difference between an oboe and an onion? Nobody cries when you
chop up an oboe.

The soprano, not being smart enough to use birth control, says to her
saxophophonist lover, "Honey, I think you better pull out now."
He replies, "Why? Am I sharp?"

How many third trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb? None.
They can't reach that high!

What is a burning oboe good for? Setting a bassoon on fire.

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