Klarinet Archive - Posting 000932.txt from 2002/11

From: "R. Williams" <rwilliams@-----.net>
Subj: [kl] Clarinet Joke
Date: Tue, 26 Nov 2002 18:08:33 -0500

Ok, here goes, this is an original. I wrote it because I was dismayed at
the lack of respect shown clarinetists by fellow musicians who couldn't
bother to write more jokes about us. I know we will never reach the hights
of violin, nor violists, let alone conductors, but perhaps this will help.
Best
RW

A state inspector was reviewing a mental institution and had been quite
impressed by the progressive treatment along with the clean bright
facilities he had seen. As the facility's medical director was taking him
around though he noticed and ominous steel door with "Keep Out" written on
it. =20

"Excuse me doctor, but what is in there?"

"Oh that's our special patients area. It is exclusively reserved for
musicians," said the doctor.

The doctor removed a large metal key and unlocked the door. Then using his
shoulder, he forced the door open as it creaked on its rusty hinges. The
inspector was immediately horrified. Instead of a brightly lit modern
corridor, the walls were wet stone with lighting provided by burning
torches. Straw was strewn along the floor and the air was moldy and dank
smelling. =20

Soon the pair entered a large room with several patients about. As the
inspector looked, wide eyed at the scene he noted a large man in the center
of the room repeatedly making "blub..blub..blub" sounds. =20

"Good heavens doctor, what is wrong with that man?"

"Oh, that is a sad case. He was one of the finest bass players in the
world; he performed with the best symphonies. Then during a rehearsal for
a big performance the conductor screamed at him=85"for God's sake man, can't
you tune that thing?" "He has been like that ever since!"

Then the inspector noticed another man, wearing a helmet banging his head
against a wall while mumbling something which the inspector thought was
"moist." Alarmed the inspector asked, " that man over there, isn't he
going to injure himself?"

The doctor taking note of the patient replied, "oh no, he really doesn't
hit himself that hard and we put a helmet on him."

But why is he banging his head?" The inspector asked with concern.

"Well, you see he once was the premiere oboist in the world. He was
performing in a major metropolitan orchestra where he had a key solo about
three quarters of the way through the performance. The performance was
being broadcasted live over a major TV network. When the time came for his
opening note, instead of a beautiful tone he produced this horrible
squeaker that sounded like a goose being slowly run over by a stream=
roller!"

As the pair moved about the room, the inspector noticed a young woman
curled into a ball on the floor. The inspector kneeled down and heard the
patient whispering; "no anything but that, please not that!" The inspector
in a soft voice asked, "are you alright?" and as he did so, touched her
softly on the shoulder. The young woman shrieked and recoiled from the
touch in horror screaming over and over again; "No, not him anyone but
him=85Give me the 3rd, but not that!"

The inspector, visibly shaken, looked to the doctor. =20

"I'm sorry, I should have warned you. It is a classic hysterical avoidance
reaction. She was a very talented piano student at a major conservatory.
When she was a senior, her advisor gave her an hour of Liszt to play for
her senior recital.=20

Just then a well-dressed and cheerful man entered the room. "Hello doctor,
I see we have a guest today how nice." The man introduced himself to the
inspector before briskly walking off saying, "well I mustn't delay, things
to do." With a cheerful wave he was gone.

The inspector asked the doctor if the man was one of the staff?

"Oh no, exactly the opposite. He is perhaps our saddest and most difficult
case."

"But he seems so normal and cheerful. What could possibly be wrong with
him," asked the inspector?

"He is totally delusional, really quite mad you see. We've tried
everything, but he just stays in his own little world of fantasy. " =20

"Yes, but what is his delusion," asked the inspector?

The doctor shook his head in dismay for a few moments before responding.
"He is a clarinetist and he believes he has found the perfect clarinet and
reed!"

---------------------------------------------------------------------