Klarinet Archive - Posting 000864.txt from 2002/11

From: Daniel Leeson <leeson0@-----.net>
Subj: [kl] Witty musician's joke about playing too loud
Date: Tue, 26 Nov 2002 00:01:32 -0500

Apocryphal (maybe not?) responses to a recent survey of orchestral
musicians to determine whether or not, in the opinion of the players,
orchestras have become too loud. This question was asked: "Do you, as a
professional orchestral musician think that orchestras have become too
loud, and if so, how has this affected you personally?" Following, in
score order, are some typical responses.

1. Flutist: "Yes, most decidedly. In fact the situation has deteriorated
to the point that I am actually looking forward to being demoted to 3rd
flute and piccolo where I will be able to make myself heard, at least on
the picc."

2. Oboist: "I think so. I have trouble keeping up as far as volume is
concerned. I have finally resorted to two pieces of cedar shingles tied
together to make a reed and the conductor still keeps asking for more."

3. Clarinetist: "Perhaps. The conductor has asked me to stand up on all
solos so that the audience will notice me. I am also using one of those
new titanium reeds. The tone is a bit metallic, but it does cut through
the mass of string sound. I suppose the strings could play softer. I
don't know; they have never been asked to."

4. Bassoonist: "I really don't know. I didn't show up for the last three
concerts and nobody seemed to notice."

5. Hornist: "He wants it louder, he should hire more horn players!"

6. Trumpet player: "I think we should play louder and faster and put it
up an octave."

7. Trombonist: "I really don't care. Just wake me up when we get to the
last movement. By the way, where is the party after the concert?"

8. Tuba player: "I never thought about it. What I want to know is why
I'm not allowed to wear my lederhosen at concerts. After all, I am
principal of the section!"

9. Percussionist: "What?"

10. First violinist: "No, I don't think so. When the brass come in we
don't have to worry about intonation in the fiddle section. I don't know
what's going on in the seconds. There are times when I can't hear them
at all."

11. Second violinist: "Perhaps. Things have become a bit more
complicated. I now use two bows, one for the soft spots and another for
when the brass come in. I use soap on that one instead of resin."

12. Violist: "Duh?"

13. 'Cellist: "Well I guess so. At least we have had to play louder
since the bassoons stopped showing up."

14. Double bassist: "I don't know about the rest of the orchestra but
all we can hear back here is that darn tuba. We all chipped in and
bought that big guy a tuba with the bell aimed the other direction, but
he won't use it. If we allowed him to wear his lederhosen, would he play
softer?"

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**Dan Leeson **
**leeson0@-----.net **
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