Klarinet Archive - Posting 000182.txt from 2002/03
From: Neil Leupold <leupold_1@-----.com>
Subj: Re: [kl] September 11th Symphony
Date: Mon, 11 Mar 2002 20:02:48 -0500
I went to your page Sean, interested in hearing your symphony.
When I saw the titles of the movements, however, I could not
suppress the tears of my own emotions, the captions were so di-
rect in their meaning. I tell everybody who asks, that I'm fine
and am living a full and happy life again after that day, but
things like your choice of titles force to the surface deeply
visceral feelings with which I haven't been in touch for a few
months (and don't want to be). Many of you were online and
available, offering conversation and encouragement while I sat
in my office, trapped and running out of air. When the second
tower collapsed that morning and the world went pitch black,
impenetrably dark outside my window, I thought it was the end.
I got down on the carpet and hugged my knees to my chest in the
corner of the room, convinced that the next sound would be that
of a plane or another building smashing into mine.
I really am living a full and happy life these days, that's not
a lie. I have perhaps the best situation I could have possibly
imagined for myself: a job on Wall St. that I truly enjoy, and
more orchestral and chamber performance opportunities throughout
NYC than I can handle. I'm not certain that I would be happier
had my original ambitions of becoming a fulltime professional or-
chestral musician been realized. That dream was diverted by a
different sort of debacle, namely the two years I spent in a
losing battle to save my mother's life against cancer. That
was eight yearse ago. Somehow, the evolution of pain and loss
from that experience has been easier to address than the type
I feel about what happened last September. If I had to put my
finger on it, I would be likely to say that part of me clings
to the anguish of losing my mother, because it keeps me in
touch with those emotions and lets me know that my feelings
and memories of her continue to be vital and alive. She was
the most important person in my life. This may seem insensi-
tive to the victims and their families, but I have no desire
to retain the feelings of grief and horror that are associated
with the carnage that occurred on 9/11/01. There is nothing
positive for me associated with that event, nothing I want to
preserve, no desire to look back. I avoid walking far enough
up Broadway to look to my left and see ground zero. I honor
the victims in the same manner that I honor my mother. Her
and their death(s) will not pass merely into objective written
history. By living my life to the fullest according to those
things most meaningful and fulfilling, I seek to reflect the
desires, dreams, and ambitions that the fallen will never be
given a chance realize. It's the least, and the most, that
I can do.
I think your symphony had the intended effect Sean (without
a note having been heard). I can't say that I'm happy about
that, but I might feel differently over time. I won't be
listening to it any time soon.
~ Neil
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