Klarinet Archive - Posting 000092.txt from 2002/02

From: "Steve White" <shwhite2@-----.net>
Subj: [kl] Humor
Date: Thu, 7 Feb 2002 16:36:47 -0500

Some funny stuff -

Enjoy!

Steve

Musilogical Absurdities

a-b-a form: a musical convention long preferred by
composers who can't "C."

adagio fromaggio: to play in a slow and cheesy manner.

a la regretto: tempo assigned to a performance by the
conductor AFTER it is panned by the local music
critics.

al capone: performing while standing on a neutered rooster.

al dente con tableau: in opera, chew the scenery.

allegro con brillo: the fastest way to wash pots and pans.

anDante: A musical composition that is Infernally slow.

Angus Dei: a divine, beefy tone.

antiphonal: referring to the prohibition of cell phones in
the concert hall

a patella: unaccompanied knee-slapping.

appologgiatura: an ornament you regret after playing it.

approximatura: a series of notes played by a performer
and not intended by the composer, especially when
disguised with an air of "I meant to do that."

approximento: a musical entrance that is somewhat
close to the correct pitch.

baffoon: baboon with bassoon.

barbie dolce: sweet but plastic.

bar line: what musicians form after a concert.

bass lure: a seductive refrain.

basso continuo: the act of game fishing after the legal
season has ended.

basso profundo: an opera about deep sea fishing.

basso refundo: the sad but predictable consequence of
the ill-fated "Three Basses" concert tour.

brake drum: The instrument most used to slow the tempo
in an orchestra.

bull horn: a brass instrument that plays notes
you wouldn't believe.

cacophany: composition incorporating many people
with chest colds.

carmina banana: a medieval musical plantain.

concerto con carne: a piece for single instrument
played in a "chili" manner.

concerto grosso: a really BAD performance.

contrababoon: the simian assistant of a Latin American
revolutionary organ grinder.

Coral Symphony: (see: Beethoven -- Caribbean period).

cornetti trombosis: disastrous entanglement of brass
instruments that can occur when musicians are not
careful exiting the stage.

crashendo: the increasing sense of aggravation felt by
band members as those trumpet players keep
dropping their mutes on the hard stage floor.

d.c. al capone: you betta go back to the beginning,
capiche?

dill piccolo: a wind instrument that plays only
sour notes.

diminderwindo: fading of daylight at dusk, as seen
from indoors.

diminuendo: the process of quieting a rumor in the
orchestra pit.

eardrum: a teeny, tiny tympani.

etude brute: an early form of Roman music performed
with a rapid, sharp, repetitive beat.

fermantra: a note that is held over and over and over
and...

fermatahorn: an Alpine wind instrument used for
playing long notes.

fermoota: a rest of indefinite length and dubious
value.

fiddler crabs: grumpy string players.

flute flies: gnat-like bugs that bother musicians
playing out-of-doors.

fog horn: a brass instrument that plays when
the conductor's intentions are not clear.

fortississippi: with mighty, flowing strength.

frugalhorn: a sensible, inexpensive brass instrument.

fruitti tutti: a chorus singing together in an exaggerated,
overripe manner.

Gaul blatter: a French horn player.

good conductor: A person who can give an
electrifying performance.

grace note: the I.O.U. you deposit in the church
collection plate when you're out of cash.

gregorian champ: monk who can hold a note the
longest.

ground brass: when someone in the marching
band drops a sousaphone.

ground hog: someone who takes control of the repeated
bass line and won't let others play it.

Herbert von Carryon: a conductor who never rides in
the cargo hold.

hyperportamento: a tone that soars, bends, strains
until it pierces into another dimension and leaves,
ever after, a porthole to heaven.

kvetchendo: gradually getting ANNOYINGLY louder.

maestrousseau: at the pace of a wedding march.

mallade: a romantic song that's pretty awful

matterhorn: an intrument of cosmic influence designed to
create something out of nothing.

molto bolto: head straight for the ending, but don't
make it seemed rushed.

mucho caffinato: play loudly enough to wake up
those sleeping in the audience.

oeuferture: musical composition commissioned by the
National Egg Marketing Council.

oraToro: a lawn mower may be substituted for the
original instrumentation at this point.

opera buffa: musical stage production at a nudists'
camp.

pastorale: beverage to drink in the country when
listening to Beethoven with a member of the clergy.

phollyphonic: badly arranged harmonizations.

pianorama: instrument capable of broad, sweeping
musical performances.

pipe smoker: an extremely virtuosic organist.

pizzacato: the act of removing anchovies from an
Italian dish with short, quick motions and
tossing them to a nearby awaiting feline friend.

Placebo Domingo: faux tenor.

pollyphonic: orchestra made up of lots of parrots

poochini: When singing, to be accompanied by your dog.

Pre-Classical Conservatism: school of thought which
fostered the idea, "if it ain't baroque, don't
fix it"

prelude: a cue, found in some of the earlier oratorios,
instructing those singing the roles of the wicked
to pray in an offensive or profane manner.

presto chango: quickly going from a very fast to a
very slow tempo

pseudo-dolce: Nutrasweet

(The) Rights of Strings: manifesto of the Society for
the Prevention of Cruelty to Bowed Instruments.

rooti tooti: use of a potato as a trumpet mute.

rubato: cross between rhubarb and a tomato.

schmaltzando: a sudden burst of music from the Guy
Lombardo band.

snacktus: Quiet, contemplative music played
during the appetizer at Catholic wedding receptions

Sosaphone: a cylindrical wooden instrument used to
play smash hits.

spinet: politician's order .

spritzicato: plucking of a stringed instrument to
produce a bright, bubbly sound, usually accompanied
by sparkling water with lemon (wine optional).

status cymbal: an instrument to be played at
inaugurations and socialite balls.

Tempe Arizona: a hot passage.

tempo tantrum: what a young orchestra is having
when it's not keeping time with the conductor.

timpani alley: a row of kettledrums. Term originated
in New York City area.

tincanabulation: the annoying or irritating sounds
made by an unmusical person using extremely
cheap bells. From Poe's "The Bells" and "tin cans".

toiletto: the effect on the human voice of reverberation
in small rooms with ceramic tiles.

trouble clef: any clef one can't read, e.g., the alto clef
for pianists.

vesuvioso: a gradual buildup to a fiery conclusion.

woodwind: a noise in the game of golf, made by a club
missing the ball on a tee shot.

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