Klarinet Archive - Posting 000921.txt from 2001/10

From: Daniel Leeson <leeson0@-----.net>
Subj: [kl] Yes We Have No Bananas vs. Beethoven 9
Date: Tue, 30 Oct 2001 15:56:47 -0500

O FREUNDE, NICHT DIESE TÖNE
Daniel N. Leeson

The central question to be addressed is, "Which is the better work:
Beethoven's Ninth Symphony or `Yes, We Have No Bananas'?".

Music makes for strong emotional responses. We wouldn't spend so much
time with it if it didn't. But some perceive their particular response
as an absolute and universal truth, and this leads to assertions about
one work being "better" than another. Is Beethoven's Archduke trio a
better composition than "Pass the Biscuits, Mirandy"? Was Ezio Pinza a
greater artist than Meatloaf, Vladimir Horowitz a more distinguished
player than Liberace, or Andres Segovia a superior performer to
Leadbelly?

The problem here is that some music lovers make proclamations about the
preeminence of this work, this artist, or this interpretation over that
one, and then become contemptuous of those who hold a different
opinion. Nowhere is this more true than on the classical music bulletin
boards of the internet where personal opinions are asserted with the
same authority as Euclidian postulates.

For music lovers, one of the great pleasures of the internet are the
assorted forums where one can hear informed opinions on the various
specialties of classical music, with a dozen or more such lists
addressing distinctive arenas of specialization. Some very
knowledgeable people are prepared to share their views with others and,
in general, most involved have a good time.

But there are exceptions, and these occur when a view is presented as
technical gospel. Composition x (or performance y or interpretation z)
is asserted to be "infinitely superior" to
composition/performance/interpretation w. Authority for these
proclamations is said to be the expertise of the person making them;
i.e., that s/he knows these things to be true by virtue of repeated
hearings, broad experience, and intimate familiarity with the domain
under discussion, to say nothing of good taste, superior breeding and a
terrific fashion sense for the coordination of accessories. Should you
hold a
different view, you are likely to be told that you are wrong, pigheaded,
have a tin ear, and are ignorant of the matter. Once so declared,
license is given to insult by the peculiar cyberspace mechanism known as
flaming.

A proclamation was offered a few weeks ago when a poster suggested that
"Beethoven's Ninth Symphony is, without doubt [italics mine], the finest
composition ever created and nothing can possibly compare with it." I
don't know how you feel about expressions of opinion containing the
words "without doubt," but, for me, they sound an alarm. It soon became
clear from responses to this particular proclamation that others felt
differently. It wasn't a dislike of Beethoven's Ninth that caused the
responses, but rather suggestions that other works were their personal
favorites.

The original poster then escalated the earlier assertion from that of an
expression of fact (which was pretty strong to begin with), to a
universal and ubiquitous truth, obvious to all but a mental defective.
I decided to get involved and chose to do so using what is sometimes
called, "The Godfather Strategy" (in which one employs a "Shucks! I'm
just a simple country boy" attitude). The tactic is designed to lull the
opponent into a false sense of security at which time large clamps come
down, encapsulate the head, and squeeze until a green liquid comes out
of the navel.

However, the technique requires care: if not executed well, one can,
metaphorically speaking, wind up standing naked, without cover, on a
large, uninhabited, and sun-drenched plain. The argumentation has to be
presented in a style that simulates an incompetent grovelling at the
feet of the worthy.

"Judging from the high quality of your postings," I began, with as much
of an Uriah Heep tone of voice as can be contained in electronic
dialogue, "it is clear that both your taste and expertise is, without
doubt, superior to mine. So I look to you for help in enabling me to
have a better understanding of this matter, and respectfully ask for
your opinion on the validity of your statement when contrasting
Beethoven's Ninth with non-classical repertoire?"

The response returned, literally, with the speed of light.

"There are no exceptions to my statement about the superiority of
Beethoven's Ninth and this is especially true for non-classical music
most of which is trash in any case."

"Ah! If only I had your taste," I replied, opening the trap a little
wider, "but, as a piece of music, I always felt that `Yes! We Have No
Bananas' was a very good composition. What am I doing wrong?"

The condescending riposte I got was too horrible to quote: how dare I
even mention the two items in the same breath, the same conjunction, the
same dimension, even the same universe? My opponent (though he did not
yet realize he was such a thing) stated that one was the most sublime
composition ever created by humankind while the other was the musical
equivalent of road kill!

"But," I continued, making sure to use a sweet, goody-two-shoes writing
style, "if, as you suggest, it is asserted that Beethoven's Ninth is a
better composition than `Yes! We Have No Bananas,' then surely there
must be some way to measure that contention. Would the gentleman from
whom I am learning so very much" [gag, choke, retch] "object if I
contrasted the two works by examining them within the context of the
various possible meanings of the word `better'?"

My without-a-clue opponent, now content with the position into which he
felt he had thrust me (but which I had spent considerable time and
effort to get into), gave me his blessing and invited me to continue on
what was, to him, an absurd and pointless task. I began by suggesting
that one meaning of the word "better" dealt with universality or
broad-scale acceptance.

By that definition, "Yes! We Have No Bananas," a song by Frank Silver
and Irving Cohn, is, arguably, one of the best compositions ever
written. First printed in March, 1923, the song languished for a short
while until it was taken up by Eddie Cantor in the Broadway show, "Make
It Snappy." The rest is history. Recordings, made by Cantor, Billy
Murray, and Billy Jones, resulted in a hit, then a mega-hit, and,
finally, a sales phenomenon. In England alone, more than a half million
copies of the sheet music were sold in the first month of its
availability, and, on the only known such occasion in the history of
London's musical theatre, every one of the city's more than one dozen
music halls had at least one act in which a performer sang that very
song. The melody has never faded from popularity and is still one of
the few songs that almost everyone knows.

On the other hand, Beethoven's Ninth isn't heard very frequently. The
symphony orchestras of most major U.S. cities mount performances of the
work only about every five years or so. Has there ever been a year in
which 50 live performances were mounted in the U.S.? Even in Japan,
where the work is enshrined and performed live annually at several
locations almost simultaneously, nowhere have sales of a half million
copies of the vocal score ever occurred, much less in one month.

I concluded this analysis by addressing my opponent directly, saying,
"So if one dimension of `better' means universality and broad-scale
acceptance, then Beethoven's Ninth is by no means the better
composition."

The electronic response was almost immediate and it suggested that the
views of the masses were never relevant to an appreciation of true
greatness. Therefore, he concluded, popularity was not an inherently
important factor. Matters such as the inner meaning of text had to be
considered equally as important as popularity.

"OK," I said. "Let's look at the two sets of lyrics from the viewpoint
of accessibility, comprehensibility, and hidden meaning."

"Yes! We have no bananas,
We have no bananas today.
We've string beans and onions,
Cabbages and scallions,
And all kinds of fruit, and say,
We have an old fashioned tomato,
A Long Island potato,
But yes! We have no bananas,
We have no bananas today!"

This appears to be accessible text. It's clear, simple, uncomplicated,
and straightforward. As for hidden meaning, that's a tough road to hoe,
but I don't think there is a lot of it, with the possible exception of
phallic references cum banana, possibly suggesting potency or a hidden
allusion to the value of Viagra. What about Beethoven's Ninth?

"Joy, beautiful divine spark,
Daughter from Elysium,
We enter drunk with fire,
O heavenly one, your holy shrine.
Your magic once again bonds us together
What custom strictly separates;
All mankind become brothers,
Where your gentle wings hold sway.
He who has the great good fortune
To be a friend to a friend,
He who has won a dear wife,
Let him mix his rejoicing with ours!
Yes -- and whoever has but one soul
Somewhere in the world to call his own!
And he who cannot, let him steal away,
Weeping out of this company.
Joy is drunk by every creature
From nature's breast;
Every good one, every bad one
Follows her rosy pathway.
She gave us kisses and wine,
And one friend, tried unto death;
Even to the worm ecstasy is given,
and the cherub stands before God.
Gladly, as his suns fly through
The magnificent plan of the heavens,
Run, my brothers, your own course
Joyfully, like a hero off to conquest.
Let me embrace you, O millions!
This kiss is for the whole world!
Brothers, above the starry firmament
A loving father must surely dwell.
Do you fall down, O millions?
Are you aware of your creator, world?
See him above the starry firmament!
For above the stars he must dwell.

My opponent immediately countered by arguing that the original German
text has greater subtlety than the stilted, clumsy, unpoetic,
line-by-line English translation I provided. Furthermore, he continued,
no English rendering can capture the poetic beauty of the original. To
which, my riposte was that this same argument could apply to a German
translation of "Yes! We Have No Bananas." There, because the words for
the opposite of "Yes" are not the same words as for the opposite of
"some," a literal translation is rendered impossible, so much so that
the expected "Ja! Wir Haben Kein Bananen" is more suitably presented as
"Ausgerechnet Bananen." And now, getting aggressive for the first time
and throwing off the trappings of "Mr. Nice Guy," I suggested that he
"stick that linguistic trifle in your ear."

By this time, my now angry opponent, was sinking fast. And when that
happens, you can always bet that the antagonist will schlep in some
experts to support the now less tenable position. Like clockwork it was
suggested that "all great artists have made positive references to the
inherent beauty of Beethoven's Ninth. Show me a positive reference for
your ridiculous and trifling song."

To which I responded, "Glad to! Are you not aware of the fact that
reference was made to `Yes! We Have No Bananas' in the 1928 German
operetta, `Die Herzogin von Chicago'? This is objective proof of the
composition's fame in Germany. Can you point out where Beethoven's
Ninth was ever accorded a similar honor in, for example, a Stephen
Sondheim or Frank Loesser musical?"

And then, sensing hesitation, perhaps even fear, I went on the attack!
"Another way to judge success," I advanced, "is by the audience's
ability to recall and hum the melody of a supposedly better work. As
for the first movement of Beethoven's Ninth, did you ever hear anyone
hum its main tune? Could Yma Sumac, even in her best five-octave days,
hum that spastic melody? It's all over the place! And, for that
matter, is there anyone alive who can hum the unhumable tune of the
second movement? So an audience, on leaving a performance of
Beethoven's Ninth, can't hum at least half of what they heard."

"But, as for the tune of `Bananas,'" I continued, "now that's a singable
tune! It is, objectively, one of the most singable tunes ever written,
or at least George Frederick Handel thought so because he used it in the
Hallelujah Chorus from `Messiah.'

Halleluja! [Bananas]

"And while we're at it," I continued, "try this!!"

Halleluja! [Bananas]
O Bring Back My Bonnie to Me

"And versatile? You wouldn't believe it. One can find the tunes for
both `I Dreamt that I Dwelt in Marble Halls,' and `I Was Seeing Nellie
Home' in `Bananas.' I don't notice Beethoven's Ninth with all those
cutesy tunes poking around in the interior of the music for ordinary
people to pick up on."

There was a long internet silence from my opponent. I think he was
looking for "Hut Sut Ralston," "Mairzy doats," or "I'm Just A Teen-ager
In Love" in some inner voice of Beethoven's Ninth and, if he found any
of them, I would have been lost. Not wishing to give him a chance for
some kind of an intelligent riposte, I jumped back in to the fray.

"Let's talk about the practical issues of the resources needed to
perform the two works. The Beethoven requires about 85 overdressed
musicians, a conductor, by any standards a useless impediment whose sole
purpose is the holding a stick that costs $1.49, a chorus of 200
singers, and four vocal soloists who need leather lungs, the breath
capacity of a steam calliope, and the combined vocal strengths of the
nine Walkyrie fat ladies. And then there is the audience intimidation
factor; i.e., the public is not permitted to hum along should the spirit
move them, even for the few sections that can be hummed. Its all too
damn hoity-toity. If one, in a natural reaction of enjoyment, applauds
in the wrong place, you get dirty looks from everyone, particularly the
useless impediment with the stick."

"On the other hand, `Yes! We Have No Bananas,' can be done by a single
player accompanying him/herself on an accordion. Talk about cost
effective performances!! Best of all, if the spirit moves a listener,
you can even join in and sing, applaud, and laugh without getting ugly
stares. So by almost any objective measurement, it would appear that
`Yes! We Have No Bananas' is the better composition. It has
universality, is more comprehensible, singable, and cost effective to
perform. It has made a great deal of money for composers, musicians,
and publishers, and can be sung in a variety of languages, unlike
Beethoven's Ninth which, apparently, by international protocol, can only
be sung in German, even when performed in Japan!"

It was at this point in the conversation that other participants began
to express approval of "Yes, We Have No Bananas" even when contrasted
with Don Giovanni, Mahler's Ninth, or Brahms' First. As such, I felt
like Gandhi who said, on seeing his countrymen in a paroxysm of
nonviolent behavior offer flowers to their British oppressors, "I think,
perhaps, I've overdone it." Meanwhile, the Beethoven Ninth guru has
stopped posting and my house now appears to be under surveillance. Guys
built like cigarette machines are sitting in cars looking at my front
porch or following me wherever I go. The Beethoven Society of America
has put out a contract on me.

To be safe, I now play Beethoven's Ninth on my home speakers at a very
loud volume. "O Freunde, Nicht diese töne!!"
--
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** Dan Leeson **
** leeson0@-----.net **
***************************

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