Klarinet Archive - Posting 000134.txt from 2000/12

From: Gary Truesdail <gir@-----.net>
Subj: Re: [kl] War of the Tony`s
Date: Sun, 3 Dec 2000 01:17:07 -0500

Fie, Fie you lowly brethren, for you know not of what you speak. You are
spewing forth words of war. Is this a challenge?
Your mention of Rogues and vagabonds hiding in the darkest alleys bring only
feelings of excitement as they would once again offer the opportunity to
demonstrate, as we did in the past, the superiority of the Scots in matters of
the battlefield, mathematical logic, historical perspective, culinary
creativity, and our immense well pool of patience with those of lesser
capacities. I this comes to pass your hauberk will provide you no assistance
in a joust or in battle. Your helm, constructed by the most intelligent of your
lot, will be without portals and your bucklers made of paper. Your vagabonds
shall be the evening meals of our hounds in our banquet halls.. Your rogues
will be quaking so strongly in their boots that the hand stitching of the
cobbler whom they so cleverly cheat from his rightfully due merks, will fail to
perform under such stress, and they will, as should all Brits except Ian, be
barefoot in the alleyways, full of grog and begging for the aid of a link-boy to
assist them to the rear stoop of their choice for the evening sleep, all the
time dancing the two step at every utterance of "Gardy Loo". Whilst these men,
the best of your lot, discovering their bottle had gone dry, partake of heated
discussions regarding the effects of compressionary forces upon arundo donax,
the Grahams will be restoring sensibility to your land by rule of the Broad
Sword and mace. It would be a disappointment to us to do such a thing as we
Scots are not prone to showing off nor are we braggarts. But be it necessary we
will not hesitate to provide reminders to those who have forgotten they are
here today only through the graces of the Clan Graham, Clan Lockhart, and Clan
Campbell.

All people of the so called "Mother Land" (only the Brits call their home land
the 'Mother Land", we expatriots don't call it anything for it has been equated
with what computer folks know as a 'Null"), know of the Grahams of Mentieth,
Grahams of Montrose for it was they, the majority of the men in the decisive
battle between the Scots and Brits that won the battle and could have had The
rest of Engelanderin under their rule. Out of the kindness of their hearts they
turned away and went back home. Had they stayed your countrymen would now be
eating pasties and haggis and dancing to the pipes. When I visit your land, is
anyone of kinsmen law a glove upon a member of my party I shall have you thrown
in shackles, fitted with thumbeikins, and taken to Moothill at our family home,
Mugdock Castle, on the banks of Mugdock Loch a short distance from Glasgow

However, if you should, by any chance, give serious and logical thought to the
reasons why the more intelligent folk of your land several hundred years ago
left the shores of what you obviously think is the center of the universe, you
will come to realize that they were right and that when they departed your
country was then left with an inferior gene pool from which to rebuild an
imaginary empire. Only a few of your countrymen, Tony Pay, for one, were able
to rise above the multitudes and once again provide your country with a person
that was capable of conversing in an intelligent manner with the rest of the
world.

As for your comment about the flag waving peasants; If you ever be unfortunate
enough to require a visit from us we will not be waving flags. We will be
waving banners attached to the sharp end of a lance held in one hand and an
impervious shield bearing the Graham Crest in the other. Upon seeing our Crest
your eyes will instantly be the most intelligent part of your body and will
inform you the The Grahams are not to be messed with.

Loved your comments, Tony, keep it up. It is more fun than that other war.

GaryT

Tony Wakefield wrote:

> If our "global geography" hadn`t been quite so important Gary, you might
> indeed now be apostrophising in a Little old English village somewhere in
> the Cotswolds, or on Exmoor, or even in the Highlands of Scotland.
> Maybe you could have an ancient seat in the Hills and "Dales"? surrounding
> the City of York, waiting for it`s 32nd Earl to establish a "home coming" of
> immense nostalgia, and emotional hysteria, for the flag waving peasants
> lining the cobbled streets in their multitude.
> A word of warning tho`. Be on your guard if you enter the City of Oxford.
> Rogues and vagabonds hide in the
> darkest alleys. They will cut you to ribbons, and rip out your entrails if
> you so much as look at one.
> Delete this quickly, lest one of them return suddenly from a long crusade.
>
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: "Gary Truesdail"
> > Uh, oh. Now the secret is out. You have now told the world the real
> reason
> > the US colonists left England and felt strongly enough to have a war over
> it.
> > The Brits spent too much time sorting out global geography and not enough
> time
> > sorting out the rules for their own language.
>
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