Klarinet Archive - Posting 001406.txt from 2000/06

From: LeliaLoban@-----.com
Subj: [kl] Miced?
Date: Fri, 30 Jun 2000 20:05:18 -0400

Patricia Smith wrote,
>Maybe we could feed the troll to Dick Vigorous while we are at it.>

I'm making my stupid pet human type this. Dick Vigorous would run squeaking
from a troll.

Katie wrote,
>I couldn't help but be reminded of Dick Vigorous
>when I saw the word "miced".

Katie has hit upon the truth. Ordinarily, I wouldn't deign to answer the
witless babble of a rodent, but I feel impelled to reveal that Dick Vigorous
is a poseur, a pitiful fraud, an Internet imposter. "Big, good-looking rat,"
my dew claw! Dick Vigorous is nothing but a *mouse*, and a small one at
that, not even an hors d'oeuvre for a troll.

Oh, so he's been "in the slammer," he swaggers. He describes me "yammering"
at him through the *bars*. Well, that's funny, because Lelia never even
fetched the big metal rat and squirrel trap out of the shed. She only needed
the *smallest* of the plastic Hav-A-Heart traps to catch little Dicky. I
never said a word to him, let alone threatened him. He's quite beneath my
notice. I either ignore a mouse or torture it and kill it. I do not make
conversation with it. Can you imagine *moi* speaking that absurd, illiterate
Hollywood gangster patois that Dicky-boy copied from Jimmy Cagney movies he
listened to while lurking in the woodwork? I wouldn't watch such lowbrow
entertainment, naturally. I only tolerate it because, whenever Lelia sits
there composing her wretched scribbles on these asinine obsolete movies, I
take the opportunity to collect credits for the World Lap-Sitting
Competetition. (I have petitioned the directors to add a new category, for
Partial Lap-Crowding, to take account of those of us who must share the space
with the *other* laptops....)

The rodent wrote,
>>Anybody got room for a real big good lookin' long-tailed rat
>>that loves to listen to ya playin' the clarinet?

Bill Wright wrote,
>>> It depends. I need a new swab for my clarinet, but the darned music
>>>store wants $14 for a simple piece of cloth with a tail on the end !!
>>>So is your tail long enough for the job? (and will you let me wash you
>>>out once a week? I wouldn't want a dirty swab.)

The little plague-vector did tell the truth about how much he loves the
clarinet, I'm sure. He *would* like it. The sound no doubt reminds him
sentimentally of the horrid squealing of his fellow vermin. But no, Mr.
Wright, Dick Vigorous won't do as a clarinet swab. He's much too small. His
"long" tail is about two inches, if that. Maybe you could use him as a
Mousepiece Saver.

Oh, but before you invite him too seriously, you might want to know that he
would bring with him more than those relatives of his, who seem to be so
disgracefully related to themselves; for he has suffered the usual fate of
those who cast curses. His pathetic "Curse of the Million Fleas" afflicted
me not at all. My lightweight summer fur remains in its usual state of
glossy perfection. He, on the other hand, is suffering mightily for having
forgotten two of the most basic laws of magick: "Do not call up that which
you cannot put back down again," and, "That which you send out will return to
you threefold." I do believe I hear the faint rustle of tiny claws
scratching, scratching, scratching way up in the wall. Three million fleas
should keep him busy for quite some time. I wonder if he's got a good sense
of rhythm? He can scratch in time to the shrieking of the clarinet.

Shadow Cat

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