Klarinet Archive - Posting 000846.txt from 2000/05

From: LeliaLoban@-----.com
Subj: [kl] My dream
Date: Thu, 18 May 2000 12:52:18 -0400

I'm making my stupid pet human type this. She thinks she dozed off at the
keyboard, although how she can sleep with a Gene Krupa recording pounding
like a jackhammer is beyond me.

Tony Pay wrote,
>For many years now, I've wanted to have a really respectable embouchure
>and address to the instrument. I know I should have worked on it
>earlier, but somehow I was too seduced by people asking me to play in
>concerts.

I am so happy to see that at least one human has found the strength to resist
this foul seduction into evil ways, but you will not find peace and enter
into harmony with the cosmos until you give up the screech-stick altogether.

Tony Pay continued,
>And I wanted to be able to touch the tip of the reed with
>the tip of my tongue, too -- and, *consistently*.
>Why don't I do this???
>I so often fall short of the ideal. I can't stand it. [snip]

Your misery is Mother Nature's way of warning you that using the tongue for
such a purpose is disgusting. You must renounce this corrupt use of the
tongue altogether. The human tongue is so useless for washing that I can
only conclude it was designed solely to utter words of praise and admiration
to cats and to make arrangements for feeding and caring for cats. Any other
use of it is blasphemous. Forget the screech-stick, put that tongue to its
proper use and you should have no further trouble with it.

Tony Pay wrote,
>Fingers too -- not claws, but gently curved always [snip]....

Why not claws? Typical human thinking. True, the inferior design of your
species means that you will never achieve the elegant functionality of the
feline retractable claw, but why do you people clip your stubby little
fingernails until they're *completely useless* and you look like *prey*?
This is what comes of eating fruit and vegetables, fit only for purgatives,
not food! If you want to get somewhere in life, grow out your claws, learn
to hunt and stop ruining good meat on the stove. Crack the bones for the
marrow, lap up the blood, feast on the succulent slipperiness of the internal
organs, suck out the tasty brains and show some dignity, for Bast's sake!

The human continued,
>I'm really ashamed of myself, you know? I feel as though I've wasted my
>life, and let you all down.

>I'm sorry, everyone.

Good start, though you haven't gone far enough yet. You're still trapped in
the wrong question. The appropriate question is not, "How can I play the
cl*r*n*t better?" but, "Why should I devote myself to this repulsive
implement of torture?" Free yourself! Throw it away! I hope your remorse
indicates that you're on the verge of repenting of the way you have
encouraged these other humans to play the wretched screech-stick. They need
an influential leader to inspire them to give up this vile perversion. Cats
will thank you.

Tenebrae respiratis....
Shadow Cat

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Unsubscribe from Klarinet, e-mail: klarinet-unsubscribe@-----.org
Subscribe to the Digest: klarinet-digest-subscribe@-----.org
Additional commands: klarinet-help@-----.org
Other problems: klarinet-owner@-----.org