Klarinet Archive - Posting 000708.txt from 2000/05

From: Gloria Leizer <r13musician@-----.com>
Subj: [kl] Managed Care Schubert
Date: Sun, 14 May 2000 16:33:01 -0400

A managed care company president was given a ticket
for a performance of Schubert's "Unfinished Symphony."
Since she was unable to go,she gave the ticket to one
of her managed care reviewers. The next morning she
asked him how he enjoyed it,and instead of a few
observations he handed her a memo which read:

1. For a considerable period,the oboe players had
nothing to do. Their number should be reduced and
their work spread over the whole orchestra,thus
avoiding peaks of inactivity.

2. All twelve violins were playing identical notes.
This seems unnecessary duplication,and the staff of
this section should be drastically cut. If a large
volume of sound is really required,this could be
obtained through the use of an amplifier.

3. Much effort was involved in playing 16th notes.This
seems an excessive refinement,and it is recommended
that all notes be rounded up to the nearest 8th
note.If this were done,it would be possible to use
paraprofessionals instead of experienced musicians.

4. No useful purpose is served by the horns repeating
the passage that has already been handled by the
strings. If all such redundant passages were
eliminated,the concert could be reduced from two hours
to twenty minutes.

5. This symphony has two movements. If Schubert didn't
achieve his musical goals by the end of the first
movement,then he should have stopped there.The second
movement is unnecessary and should be cut.

In light of the above,one can only conclude that had
Schubert given attention to these matters,he probably
would have had the time to finish his symphony.

-author unknown

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